Page 108 of Adoring Delaney

“How do—”

“Carter, honey. Derek Lowe killed our baby. Not you. Not me. The universe wasn’t punishing you. What happened to that baby is tragic. But you didn’t kill that baby, its mother did. I’m so sorry you had to see that. And I’m so sorry the soldier died, but his death isn’t your fault either.”

I remained silent staring at the ceiling.

“Do you have nightmares often?”

“Not often, but sometimes.”

“You’ve never woken me.”

“I can normally wake myself up before it gets bad and get out of bed.”

“Don’t ever get out of bed again. Don’t ever hide them from me.”

I nodded even though I knew I would never wake her up so she could share in my misery. Not because I didn’t trust her or because I was hiding. Because Delaney would always sleep easy, her dreams were supposed to be filled with happiness and laughter. Not blood and gore. Not my girl.

“Do you think you were dreaming about your deployment because I’m pregnant?”

“Yes,” I answered honestly, then decided it was time to tell her one more truth. “The reason why I left the night you told me about losing the baby is because I had the same nightmare that night. You’d fallen asleep in my arms and when I drifted off to sleep, I was back in Afghanistan. It was so real I could taste the dirt and sand. I could smell the stench of death. All I kept thinking about was how I’d screwed up. My hesitation killed that baby—”

“Honey. I know it’s going to take time for you to believe it, but nothing you did or didn’t do caused us to lose our baby. Nothing, Carter. We’re not living in the past. That’s what you said. Together we’ll work on banishing your nightmares.” Her lips brushed against my chest then she settled back down tucked close to my side. “Do you think you can go back to sleep, or should we get up?”

“Let’s get some more sleep.”

Laney nodded but said no more. She slept and I laid awake. Some of the weight had lifted but the guilt was tattooed on my soul. I hoped she was right and in time I’d learn to forgive myself. With Delaney by my side, I figured I would.

32

“Delaney,” Dr. Butler greeted. “And you must be Carter?”

“Yes, ma’am. Nice to meet you.” Carter stood and shook the woman’s hand.

“Today’s visit will be short and sweet.” Dr. Butler smiled. “I received your ER records and your lab work you had done yesterday. Everything looks great. Your HCG levels are exactly where I’d expect them to be. According to your last cycle, the first test you took, and the most recent, I’d say you’re seven weeks, six days.” She was fiddling with a due date wheel while she was talking to us and smiling. “Looks like you’re having a spring baby. Are you feeling okay?”

I thought about her question and the answer was easy—I was great. It had been three weeks since the whole Dana Debacle, my stitches had dissolved, the bruising to the side of my face had faded, I had no lingering side effects from the terror that hour had caused, and Carter was…Carter.

I wanted for nothing. He pampered and spoiled me every day. He went to work, called me throughout the day to check in, he’d come home and we’d either make dinner together—something he insisted on, or he’d take me out on a date.

He still called them dates, though I just called it going out to dinner. He’d told me they’d always be dates since he’d missed out on so many. I didn’t argue. Whatever he wanted to call them was fine by me.

But it was nighttime that was my favorite.

Us just being together. Sometimes we’d sit on the couch and watch TV or a movie. Other times we’d do it lying in bed. But we always did it together and he always had me cuddled close. If I was near him, he was touching me. Holding my hand, kissing me, had his arm around my shoulder, my head in his lap or on his chest.

But my favorite time was after he made love to me, his hand would go to my stomach and he’d ‘cradle his baby,’ as he called it. Sometimes he’d scoot down and rest his head under my chest and he’d tell the baby stories. Mostly funny ones about him and me growing up. But every time before he moved up to settle us for sleep, he’d kiss my stomach and always, every single day, he’d tell the baby he loved him.

So, yes, I was feeling great. Exceptionally great.

“I feel great,” I answered.

“Outstanding. Go ahead and lie back, and we’ll see if we can find the baby’s heartbeat. But please remember, the baby is small and low right now, so if we still can’t find it, we will the next visit.”

I did as the doctor asked and tried to push all thoughts of the first time I was here out of my head. How different this time felt with Carter there. How happy and scared I was the first time. How there were no words to describe how shitty the rest of that day had gone. I’d left this same office on cloud nine only to be thrust into a nightmare.

“Laney baby?”

“Yeah?” I looked at Carter.

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