Page 40 of Adoring Delaney

“Huh?”

“Look at me, sweetheart.” Her wounded eyes came to mine and I asked, “What’s wrong?”

“I knew. I’m not stupid. But I hate you went through it alone. That you never talked to me about it.”

“I was never alone. You were always with me, both on deployment and when I came home. Just because I didn’t tell you about it didn’t mean you weren’t healing my soul. I didn’t need to talk, I needed you. Which you always gave me.”

Tears brimmed in her lids and she blinked causing a few to leak down her cheek. She quickly swiped them away and tried but failed to hide her sadness.

“Nothing to cry over, Laney. I swear you gave me what I needed.”

She nodded her head and looked around the restaurant, I gave her the minute she needed to gather her thoughts. When she looked back to the table she took her time rearranging her napkin and silverware.

“Ask, baby. Whatever’s on your mind just spit it out.” I interjected as much humor into my tone as I could but she still flinched.

“Tell me about it,” she finally asked.

“About what?”

“All of it. I don’t know anything about the Navy or where you’ve lived since you left for the Naval Academy.”

I’d start with the easy stuff, the information that wouldn’t freak her out.

“I loved the Academy. The curriculum was hard. Sometimes it felt like I was drinking out of a firehose. But if you prove you’re dedicated the instructors won’t let you fail. Extra study hours, extra help during liberty weekends. Whatever the tools you need to succeed they make sure you have. It was physically strenuous, but going into my second year I knew I was going to BUD/s after graduation and I welcomed the workouts.”

“Did you have friends?” she asked.

“What?”

“Friends. You know, people to pal around with, joke with, commiserate with? Friends?”

“Yeah, I had some of those.” I smiled. “A few I still keep in touch with. One died in combat last year. And the rest were stationed around the world and life gets in the way so you fall out of contact.”

“But I’d always heard about military buddies bonding for life. Like our dads, and Uncle Levi and Clark. Do you have anyone like that? A best friend?”

“Yeah, Laney. You.”

“Me?”

I didn’t know how to explain this to her without sounding like I wasn’t proud of my service or regretted being there.

“You know I’ve always wanted to go into the military. I chose the Naval Academy rather than going straight into the Army like our dads did. I wanted to be a leader. I wanted to take what I’d learned from my dad and make a difference. Becoming a SEAL was a challenge and personal achievement I wanted to accomplish. But there’s a difference between being an officer and being one of the enlisted boys. First there are fraternization policies in place. Then there are some who think because I’m an officer, and I didn’t earn my rank through time in service and grunt work, the way they did, that I somehow had it easier. When I was going through BUD/s in some ways it was harder, more was expected from me and rightfully so. If I passed, I would be the one leading a troop. There’s a heavier burden. While I had friends, good ones as a matter of fact, I still held myself apart. Does that make sense?”

“That’s bullshit, Carter, you earned your rank.”

Damn, but I loved how fierce she was when she was pissed on my behalf.

“You’re right, I did. But also can you see why they’d think the way they earned theirs was a little harder?”

“What about the guys you served with? The men in your team?”

“I’m gonna miss them,” I answered. “But there’s a saying, ‘When you’re in you’re the best, when you’re out you’re a pest’. I’m not saying we won’t keep in touch. But shit keeps rolling for them. Next training cycle, next work up, next mission. They’ll keep moving on doing what they’re doing. Which is shit they can no longer discuss with me. There’s a reason why the Special Warfare Community is as tight as it is. There’s shit you cannot talk about with anyone else, and even if you could, they just wouldn’t get it.”

“Like you think I wouldn’t have gotten it.”

I was navigating through a minefield and one misstep could be catastrophic, but the truth was the truth.

“Yeah, Laney, like you, like all of the other wives, too. We come home from war and there’s no describing what we see and do because, honey, it is just that bad. And you don’t burden the ones you love with that shit. Instead you come home, keep all of that locked away, and you thank God he granted you a reprieve. You hold the good stuff close and soak it up so the next time you go out you’re ready. So again, I’ll answer your questions, my answers will not be shit you’re gonna want to hear, but I’ll do it. And I’ll also tell you, that’s something I don’t regret holding back from you. If I didn’t think it was important to show you I’m all in, therefore I’ll give you anything you need, I wouldn’t be telling you about it now.”

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