Page 47 of Adoring Delaney

“God. Why?”

“Because I wasn’t here. Because you had my baby in your belly and your body was telling you and I wasn’t here to witness it. Which means all I have is what you’ll tell me. And I want every detail. I want to know everything about our baby.”

She relaxed a fraction and I fought the urge to get up and pace. I’d told her I wanted to hold her while she told me but now, I was questioning my reasoning. I wanted to move, shake off the pain of losing our baby. Somehow walk away from it, but I couldn’t. Laney needed me to hold her and there would be no escaping the anguish even if I tried.

“My boobs.”

“Huh?”

“My boobs started to hurt. Then I missed my period.” Delaney had been getting the birth control shot for as long as I could remember. I’d also heard her grumble about still getting her period, which I guess some women no longer got when they were on that form of birth control. Hers were light, a day or two at most, but she still complained. “So I checked the calendar and saw I’d messed up and was late getting my next shot. I waited a little while but my period never came but I was still feeling nauseous, my boobs were still aching, so I decided to buy a home pregnancy test.”

Delaney paused before she continued. “I was scared.”

“Why were you scared?”

“What do you mean, why was I scared? Because you were gone and I know nothing about babies or being a mom.”

“You’re great with kids and we’re surrounded by great mothers. And, Laney, this is us. You knew I’d be home and I’d be ecstatic to find out we were having a baby.”

“Would you have been?”

My heart seized, then it jumpstarted and I felt my breath was gone.

How could she doubt I would’ve been happy we were having a baby?

“You didn’t want a commitment,” she whispered. “I was scared you’d be mad or you’d think I did it on purpose to trap you.”

“Trap me? Laney, I belong to you. I’m so fucking sorry you were scared and you thought I’d be mad. I need you to know I wanted the baby just as much as you did and had I known, I would have told you how happy I was. How excited I was you were making me a dad.”

“I heard the heartbeat.”

“Yeah? What’d it sound like?”

“I have it recorded on my phone.” Her voice broke and more sadness than I’d ever heard crept in. “Sometimes I listen to it.”

“Where’s your phone?”

“In my purse on the couch.”

I flew out of bed, found Delaney’s purse, and feeling no remorse for scavenging through her bag I located her phone. I was back in bed and resuming my position next to her before I had a chance to think about all the emotions swirling in my chest.

I handed her the phone and she wordlessly took it. Without warning the room filled with a whooshing sound. Then I heard it—the steady beat of my baby’s heart.

“Laney.” Her name tore from my throat and my vision blurred behind the wetness.

She pressed closer to me and my eyes drifted closed. All I could feel was the sound as if it were a physical touch.

“Again,” I begged when the recording stopped.

Once again the baby’s heartbeat filled the room and a pain I’d never experienced filled my chest.

I was a dad.

It didn’t matter I’d never hold my child, see him or her, never kiss, hug, or watch them grow up. For a few precious weeks Delaney had carried my child.

“I’m so sorry,” she sobbed. “I should’ve listened. If I had we’d have her.” My body went solid. Her? “He should be here. Right now, in this bed with us lying between us. We should be holding her. Counting toes and fingers. Arguing over who she’ll look like. Whose eyes he’s gonna get. I swear I wanted her. I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to watch you teach him to catch a ball. I wanted to kiss her cheeks and hug her when she scraped her knees. I wanted the baby, Carter. I promise I did. Now we have nothing. I didn’t listen and we don’t have her.”

Delaney was shaking in my arms, the sound of our combined cries nearly drowned out the whooshing.

---