Page 48 of Adoring Delaney

Somewhere during her outburst I understood why she’d been using both genders. She didn’t know if we were having a boy or a girl. I wasn’t sure if that made it harder or easier. We’d never know, we’d never name our baby, we’d never know if we had a son or a daughter.

There was a comfort in that. But I was happy she hadn’t called the baby ‘it’. My child wasn’t an ‘it’.

“We have more than nothing, Delaney, we have each other,” I reminded her. “You didn’t lose our baby, she was taken from us. Derek Lowe did that. Not you. Nothing is your fault.”

“I should’ve listened.”

“And I should’ve been by your side. We can run a thousand different “should’ve” scenarios but nothing will change. The bottom line is, you are not to blame. You have to stop believing you are.”

“But—”

“But nothing, Laney. It’s not your fault. Lowe kidnapped you. He hurt you. He took our baby from us. He almost killed you and Mercy. Him. Not you. He was a drug dealing lunatic. I have many regrets. There are a lot of things I wish I could’ve done differently over my life. Not marrying you the moment I legally could is among the many. Not being in the room with you when you heard our baby’s heartbeat is on the top of that list. Not seeing your face light up the first time you experienced our miracle. But the one regret that will sit sour in my gut for the rest of my life is knowing you were lying on the floor while that motherfucker killed our child and I was on the other side of the world. That Mercy was the one to end his miserable life and not me. Because, Laney, I wouldn’t have done it as merciful as she had.”

I had to take a moment to tamp down the fury that thinking about that motherfucker invoked before I scared the hell out of Delaney.

“I told your dad.”

“What?” she gasped.

“And mine.”

“Carter—”

“I had to. When I came back up after you told me, I locked myself in a motel room and polished off two bottles of Jack. I wanted to be numb. I couldn’t face what we’d lost. I couldn’t begin to process I was a dad. So instead I drank myself into a stupor. My dad and the guys found me. I tried to keep it locked away but I couldn’t. I had to tell him. There’d been enough secrets. I did that to us. I forced you into a situation that made you keep things from those you love. It was never right. But our child will never be kept from those who would’ve loved him. Our baby was a grandchild. A cousin. A niece or nephew. He or she had a life worth celebrating. And that’s what we’re going to do.”

“There’s nothing to celebrate. He’s gone.”

“You’re wrong. We created a life. A precious life that was cut short before she ever drew her first breath. But, Laney baby, she was alive. I just heard the proof of what our love can do. She had a beating heart and that is something that’s worth celebrating.”

Delaney rolled closer and nuzzled into my chest.

“I should’ve told you sooner.”

“No more of that. We’re moving forward.”

“I know you keep saying that. But I need to apologize. It was wrong to keep it from you.”

I didn’t know how badly I needed to hear that until she’d said it. Being mad about something I couldn’t change served no purpose. Not when I understood why she hadn’t told me.

“I love you, Laney.”

Her reaction was swift and it was the opposite of what I’d thought it would be.

“I know you do, Carter. I just hope it’s enough to carry us through while I try to sort my head.”

Fuck me, that hurt.

A fuck of a lot.

“I love you enough. I always have. And one day you’ll trust how much.”

“I hope so.”

Delaney remained pressed close, her hand on my heart as she drifted to sleep. But even as emotionally drained as I was I couldn’t find it. All I kept hearing was the sound of a heartbeat I’d never get to hold.

16

Iwas awake and I knew Carter was awake.

---