Page 28 of Beneath the Indigo Sky

“It's okay. I'll be with you; we can just…”

“I can't!”

I'm yelling and my hands are fisted in the front of his shirt so tightly my knuckles have turned white, and Jayce pulls me tighter into his arms as I sob. His hand is running along my spine, and his breath travels along my temple.

“Okay.”

“That’s okay.”

“It's going to all be alright.”

Jayce is telling me that it’s okay, and it feels like he means it. He’s confused, but it doesn’t feel like he’s upset with me. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know who I am…what I am.

I love Ken like a father, and I can’t help him. I can’t hold his hand and reassure him that he’s going to be alright. I can't be there like he's been there for me because I'm so different and so broken and so wrong.

Jayce holds me while I cry. He holds me until I'm wrung out and there are no tears left to fall.

He's confused. Worried.

“Come on,” I say with a sigh that nearly breaks me.

“I need to explain.”

Jayce is silent as I settle him at my dining table and move to make coffee. He’s never been in my cabin before, and under any other circumstances, I’m sure I’d be a nervous wreck having him here, but in this moment, focusing on the task at hand is all that’s holding me together. He doesn’t interrupt me as I grind the beans, and boil the kettle, and place mismatched mugs on the counter in my small kitchen. He knows I need a moment, even though he doesn't really understand why. He's scared now. Scared and confused. Scared of what I might need to say. He doesn’t understand why we’re not on the way to the hospital with Ken.

I settle in across from him and stare into my cup. I can't look at him while I explain. I’ll feel what he feels either way, but I can’t bring myself to watch if he decides to leave. If he decides to hate me. I can’t watch our friendship fade away in an instant.

“I'm going to tell you some things. Things I maybe should have already told you, but I haven’t known how, and I need you to know that if you have nothing to say, if you want to just stand up and walk away, I’ll understand. I'll let you go, and I won’t follow you or reach out or text or call you again.”

When Jayce reaches across the table for my hand, I pull it back. If I scare him, I’ll feel it. Of course, I'll feel it. But I don't want it to be as intense as it will be if he’s touching me. He is so much more to me than I’ve ever imagined anyone could be, even though most of what I feel is one sided. Not touching him when he decides to leave is the only thing I can do to protect myself, even though it’s far too little, far too late.

“You don't know who I am...I mean, you don’t...I don’t…”

I shake my head, trying to clear my thoughts.

How do you tell someone you’re secretly in love with that you're a freak?

“I'm different.”

“I know that. I love that about you.” His fingers reach for my arm once more, and once more, I pull away.

I shake my head.

“No. Not like quirky or endearing or bless his heart different. I mean really different.”

I sigh as my shoulders slump even further. My table is so small, and we’re so close together that I can almost feel his breath.

“I can feel things. Not can I guess…that implies a choice. I feel things. Emotions. I feel what others do. Not in like an ‘Oh, that guy is sensitive or empathic’ kind of way. I feel things in a way I've never even read about. I feel all of them. It's why I keep to myself. It's why I don't touch anyone. I feel other people’s emotions as if they're my own.”

He doesn’t feel scared. He feels confused but not scared as I force myself to lift my eyes.

“How? Is it from whatever accident you were in before Mr. Johnson found you?”

I can’t help the sigh that slips from my lungs.

“I don’t know. When I first told the doctors, they didn’t really understand what I meant. I didn’t know how to deal with it at first when I was in the hospital. All I knew was I felt fear and pain, and all they knew was they couldn’t find anything wrong with me.”

I watch my fingers play with the handle of my mug so that I don’t have to watch his beautiful eyes study me like I belong in a lab somewhere.

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