Page 55 of Beneath the Indigo Sky

“Do you know what I thought my life would be like?” Jayce’s deep voice is nearly a whisper, and there is a muted pain flowing through him as he starts talking.

“I thought that I would hit a gay club once a year when Jordyn and I took our road trips down here in the summers like we always did. I thought I would be the best man at his wedding. I thought I would be a good uncle…” He chuckles for a moment, but the pain and grief are still there. “Okay, I didn’t know if I would be a good uncle, but I’d definitely be a fun one.”

I wait while he pauses to gather his thoughts, my fingers curling tighter into his auburn chest hair.

“I thought that one day, if I was brave enough one day, that just maybe before I got old enough for it to be really pathetic, I would save up enough money and go on a gay cruise. I thought that maybe if I was really, really lucky, I might meet someone the first night who I clicked with, and then for a few stolen nights, I’d get to find out what it was like to have the same person in my bed more than once.”

I shift, lifting my head to rest my chin on the back of my hand against Jayce’s chest so that I can stare up into his pale-green eyes. His fingertips rise from where they were resting next to mine on his chest to tuck a stray hair that’s lying across my forehead back behind my ear.

“I never once in my wildest dreams thought I would find someone to love who actually loved me back. I want to be yours. Only yours. Always. Everywhere. I want the world to know that we belong together, and I don’t care what anyone back home thinks about it. I want to love you every single day of my life without hiding and without reservation.”

His emotions swirl around us, mixing with mine, so genuine and happy and full of love, but I can’t help the sliver of worry that still lives in the back of my mind after having spent the last decade as an outcast.

“Jayce. I don’t think people will make it easy for you. It could affect your business, your friendships…being with me could affect everything you have.”

“I’d have you. If you think that for even one minute that I’m ever going to regret you or treat you like you’re anything less than the most important thing in my world, you’re mistaken.”

His eyes are glossy, and his voice cracks as he continues.

“Twice in my life, I’ve known what it’s like to lose someone I love, to know what it’s like to lose time I thought I had, to leave words left unsaid. If you’ll have me, I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.”

I slide my body up along his to capture his mouth in a kiss as deep and passionate and loving as anything I’ve ever offered, anything I’ve ever known. I want that too. I want a life with him, a full life. I want to live and love together for the rest of our days.

I hover close enough that we share breath as I search his pale eyes with a smile.

“I love you. I never dreamed I’d ever find someone either. I want that. I want a life with you. A life with a small house and a dog and you in my bed everynight. I want what we’ve had this week. If you’re truly okay with the town knowing, then so am I.”

Jayce’s fingers trace along my cheekbone before wandering down my jaw.

“Together then?”

“Together.”

Chapter 17

Namid

The three-day trip home is nearly as excruciating as the drive to Seattle was. I’m not meant to sit in a small, confined space for days on end, and I can’t decide if knowing what to expect after suffering through the drive down has made the experience better or worse. Jayce and I feel…different…on the way home. Something shifted between us the night before we left, and there is something warm and weightless enveloping us and holding us effortlessly together even outside the cab of his truck. When we stop at gas stations and check into our motels at night, his fingers clasp mine tightly, and our shoulders bump together as we walk. Neither of us cares who sees. Neither of us even thinks about it. We aren’t Jayce and Namid any longer. We’re US.

When we leave the final motel on day three, it’s just before dawn, and while I should be excited to watch the sunrise as I’ve only been awake to see a handful of those in my life, I’m too tired to care. Jayce has two cups of coffee waiting for me by the time I stumble to the truck, but I still don’t feel remotely human until well after we stop for lunch. If anyone ever decides to torture me for information, this will be the way they do it. I am not built to survive waking with the dawn, but the early start means that we’ll be home in time to have dinner with Ken before settling in for the night.

A lot of folks might find my relationship with Ken a bit odd. After all, not many grown men have dinner with their parents several nights a week. It works for us though. He’s not only the closest thing to a father I’ve ever known, he’s also my friend. He’s been kind to me from the moment he found me, and for a long time, we’ve been the only person the other has had. Jayce has never felt like he thinks our relationship is odd; if anything, he’s always felt slightly envious. Not in a mean-spirited way, of course. It’s just that by the time I met Jayce, he’d already lost all of his family. Ken and I are his family now. We all feel that way, and it warms my soul to know that not only have Jayce and I found one another, he’s found a new family with Ken as well. Jayce and I have been so caught up in one another while we’ve been away that we’ve only texted Ken a handful of times. But I’ve missed him, and even though having a family dinner together could easily wait another day, I’m excited for us to spend the evening together like we always do.

The weather has cooperated throughout our journey home, and no storms stand in our way as we drive for hours along the nearly empty, swerving, black asphalt that cuts through the forests for miles and miles. It’s late afternoon when the gravel driveway in front of my small cabin finally crunches under the weight of Jayce’s truck, but this late in the year, it’s already dark. We dump our bags just inside the front door and stumble to the bathroom in a daze. Neither of us is feeling particularly sexual after three days on the road, but after nearly an hour together in my tiny shower, during which we cling and touch and hold one another, we’re feeling more like ourselves.

The moment I pull open the front door to Ken’s house, we’re greeted by the scent of roasting meat and vegetables. It’s the same meal he’s cooked every Sunday since I came to live with him. It smells like home. Ken rises from his armchair the instant we step inside, moving quickly to pull me into a tight hug. When he lets go of me, he pulls Jayce in and squishes him without a hint of uncertainty or hesitation. Jayce is his family now, too, and I can’t help the way my heart melts at the happiness and sense of belonging that floats up from each of us, swirling together to fill the room with soft greens and golds and silvers.

We quickly fall into our normal dinner routine, chatting idly and moving in well-synchronized unison as we fill our plates in the kitchen and settle in around Ken’s old, scuffed oak table. Dinner lasts for hours as we regale Ken with stories about our trip, and conversation ebbs and flows easily between the three of us. Somehow, it feels like it’s always been the three of us. Jayce fits here - he fits with me. We laugh together as we tell him about the day we nearly got stuck on a sandbar when we didn’t notice the tide coming in during one of our beach trips, and when I describe the date Jayce arranged at the Sky Bar, Ken’s soul is filled with love and support and longing. The longing takes me by surprise. It’s not something I’ve ever felt from Ken before, and I find myself wondering if the years he’s spent without Katherine have been lonelier than I realized.

Ken is amazed as I describe the way I was able to spend the day at a museum. When he unwraps the small painting of a sailboat pulling into the harbor we’ve brought him from the gallery where Jayce’s sculptures now reside, he breaks into tears of joy and gratitude, not over the gift, but rather over the way three men who found themselves alone in the world have managed to form a new, loving family.

“You know, Kat and I went to Seattle once,” Ken offers, changing the subject with one last quiet sniff as he carefully settles the painting onto the coffee table in front of the couch.

I’m taken aback when he mentions Katherine. It’s not that he hasn’t talked about her over the years, but rarely has he shared specific memories. I wonder if it’s been too hard for him. Maybe her memories have been precious things that he’s hidden away for himself the way I once thought I’d end up holding onto my moments with Jayce before my wildest dreams came true.

“Ethan was only about twelve, so it was a long time ago.” He laughs as he gets lost in the memory, but even years after her passing, loss still stains the edges of his happiness.

“It was a good trip though?” Jayce asks.

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