Page 52 of Lost Love Found

An uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach twists its way up my chest and stays there. I knew Elaina had been pushing for us to be just friends, but I thought that would change once this thing between us grew into something more. I knew she felt it, too. The way she responds to me isn’t just friendly and I know that now that I’ve seen her interact with Raf and other men. I’ve never wanted this to be just friendship, but I need to tread carefully. I don't want to push her away. But how am I going to show her it’s safe for her to fall for me? That I’m safe? That she can trust me? Slowly. Patiently. I can do that.

“There’s more,” she says quietly, looking down at her hands. “I want to tell you how Andy died.” Her eyes lock on mine and I give a small nod, urging her on. “I know you’ve never asked, but I think it’s important for you to understand me and how I feel. How I am now. Because there was the me before Andy and there’s the me after.” Her throat bobs, but she doesn’t swallow and I can feel the strain in her next words already. “He committed suicide. While we were dating. He never broke up with me, he just…” Her eyes fill with tears and she pulls her lips between her teeth. “I didn’t know he suffered from depression. I had no idea he was struggling so much and a few months into our relationship he killed himself. Fuck, it never gets easier saying that out loud.” She takes a deep breath, words coming out quickly, like she needs to get this out as soon as possible. “It crushed me. The weight of the guilt, the shame, the loneliness — it was all-consuming. I couldn’t stay at home. I was suffocating under my mom’s well-meaning attention and smothering, so I left. Before I moved to New York, I went to Cambridge with my dad. Looking back, I wish I had enjoyed that time with my dad more. I wish I’d been less numb. I didn't know just four years later he’d be gone, too, but I was so sad and mad and confused about everything that had just happened. I fell in love and had my heart broken and realized that I didn’t really know Andy at all. It rocked me to my core. It felt like the most cruel, grueling, traumatic way to be left by someone, even if I know his decision likely had nothing to do with me. It doesn’t matter. The feelings still linger. And I know this is a lot. What I’m sharing with you, it’s heavy, and it’s messy. I understand if it’s too much for you. If being with the broken girl is too much for you.”

I pause, trying to think of which part of this to react to first, all the while aware that I can’t be silent for too long. “First of all, thank you for opening up to me about this. That you trust me with this means everything, and at the same time I'm crushed that you lived through this kind of sorrow and heartbreak. Please know that I'm here for you and I will always be on your side. You are never too much, regardless of how heavy or messy you think your situation is. I’m right here. Understand?”

She nods, eyes glossy. I reach over and take her hand in both of mine, looking up at her bright green eyes. "Now, I need you to hear this next part really clearly. You are not broken, Elaina. Your experiences have been traumatic and awful, but you are whole, and you're here, and you have support in whatever way you need it." A single tear falls down her cheek and I catch it with my thumb.“You're important to me too, L. You know that, right?” Her eyes sparkle as they fill with more tears. She nods once, smiling at me. "Good. As for the other thing, your proposal... yes. OK." I shake my head in pure disbelief that I just agreed to her terms, but I will honestly take whatever she's willing to give me. "Now I need to tell you something." I know I need to be honest with her, too. I need to tell her. “I’m celibate.” Way to just ease into the topic, dumbass.

“Sorry, what? What did you say?” Elaina moves her torso forward, closer to me, in a quick movement. Her eyebrows shoot towards the sky as she stares at me.

“I’ve been celibate for a while. I was in a relationship when I was 25 with a woman who took videos and pictures of me - of us - without my consent. I thought I was in love with her, and she just wanted a paycheck. Since then, I haven't been able to trust anyone. I haven’t even wanted to be with anyone else since. Kissing you, touching you, it’s the closest I’ve been to a woman in a very long time.” It’s surprisingly easy to say this out loud and to trust her with this information. Especially since she’s already trusted me with so much.

“Adam, I… I’m so sorry that happened to you. Thank you for telling me. For trusting me.” She looks up at me with glassy eyes and moves to get off the bed. The sense of relief I feel when she moves to sit on my lap is irrefutable. She takes all the heavy things and makes them weightless. “Can we both promise to always be open and honest with each other? To go as slow as we need?”

“I promise, L. We can take it slow. I’ll never push you too far, OK?” I smooth down her hair with one hand and draw circles on her hip with the other. “And we’ll talk to each other. I’ll tell you what I need and you tell me, too.” She’s got her legs curled up on the chair and I feel her nod on my chest. We’ve both just laid all of our cards out on the table and now we can move forward.

We sit, holding one another in silence for a while until it’s time to go to dinner. We seem to both wordlessly agree that we’ve said enough for right now.

22

who sets an alarm on vacation?

elaina

Sitting here, feeling Adam’s heartbeat beneath my hand is exactly what I need right now. We both said a lot of words. I hit him with some pretty heavy stuff and he hit me with that celibacy bomb that feels like it’s still detonating slowly inside my brain. He’s been so careful with me this whole time. I had no idea I should have been careful with him, too. Five years with no sex. No kissing. No touching.

We’ve sat on the chair quietly for a while, and now we're finally peeling our bodies away from one another so I can finish getting ready for dinner. As I walk away, he takes my hand and brings me back toward him, so my back is to his front. He hugs me tight and his breath on my neck makes me teeter, so I lean back into him. His lips leave a trail of kisses from my ear lobe to my shoulder and my moan draws a groan out of him. “OK… dinner.” He lays one last kiss on my shoulder.

“You are very good at making my knees feel wobbly. Very, very good.” I feel his smile on my skin before I once again peel my body away from his.

I finish getting ready and we leave to meet his family for dinner. As we walk into the restaurant, he puts his hand on the spot on my back where my skin is exposed, between my crop top and my skirt and his thumb tucks underneath my shirt, drawing little circles. The action is so familiar but so new. We sit at a table with two of his cousins and their significant others. The conversation is effortless, and the food is fantastic. Adam’s arm rests on the back of my seat for the majority of the time and he’s generous with his affection, kissing my cheek or temple a few times and even sneaking a chaste kiss on my lips when I tell our table the story of how we met.

As we walk back to our room, his hand returns to my back, the lazy circles under my shirt sending shivers up my spine. As soon as we walk in, I let out a loud yawn, the day’s events catching up to me quickly. “Oh my gosh, I’m sorry!”

He kisses my shoulder and laughs. “Nothing to be sorry about, L. It’s late. Let’s go to bed.” Annnnnnnd my panties are wet. His deep voice saying, let’s go to bed is all it takes. My whole body goes stiff at the thought. But we’re taking this slow. But also sleeping in the same bed. But he’s celibate. “Just to sleep, Lainey. I can hear your inner meltdown from here.” He chuckles, and it makes me laugh, too. We head into the bathroom to brush our teeth and wash our faces. Adam takes the bedroom to get changed in and I stay in the bathroom. When I come back into the bedroom, I shiver at the sight of him in a white T-shirt and gray track pants. For fuck's sake, not the grey sweats. I have to sleep next to that? And not hump him like a dog in heat? Howwwwww?

I bend over to climb into bed when I hear his grunt. “Really? Are you trying to kill me?” I turn quickly at the sound of his voice, and he raises his hand to cover his eyes with a growl. I look down and laugh in understanding when I see that my very perked-up nipples can be seen through my thin tank and I have pink lacy underwear on – one of my fancy purchases.

“I had pajamas but I can’t find them. I’m sorry. Should I put something else on?” I pull my lips between my teeth to keep the laughter at bay. I know Taylor had everything to do with my missing pajamas.

He walks to the other side of the bed, getting under the covers. “No, you’re not. And no, you should absolutely not. Get in here.”

I get in next to him and he motions with his head for me to get closer. I lay my head on his shoulder and let my hand move from the side of his torso, over one rock-solid peck to the center of his chest. “Mmmm. What a day… we really don’t know how to just do things the normal way, do we?”

Adam reaches up to turn off the light, and a low chuckle tumbles out of him. I ascertain that I don’t only love the sound of his many laughs, I love the feel of them. “No, we do not. Maybe we can try for normal tomorrow?”

“Sure. Let’s see how long that lasts.” I giggle and he laughs, and we move closer to one another as the sound of our laughter dies out.

“Goodnight, beauty.” He leaves a lingering kiss on the top of my head.

“Goodnight, Adam.”

* * *

I always wake up in the same way: slowly, with a long stretch that tends to start with a wiggle of my butt and a drawn-out moan. This morning is no different, except for the wall of hot man pressed up behind me. It doesn’t register right away, but my butt wiggle is met with some groans and the big hands around my waist move up my torso so I arch into the feel of them hoping they reach a nipple when the hands abruptly move to my hips and hold me down. “Elaina.” Adam’s rusty morning voice hits me right between the legs. “Please stop moving.” I giggle and move my body away from his, not wanting to tease him, but he pulls me right back. “No, stay here. Just… stay still. Please.”

But I can’t. His morning voice and his morning wood are both calling to me and I must answer, so I turn around. I put my hands on his abs and delight in the way they flex for me. Then I reach up and lay a kiss on his stubbly chin, his jaw, his cheek. “This reminds me of something.” He smiles at the memory, and I do, too. “I’ll never forget the feel of your lips all over my face like that. The look in your eyes. I forgot all about where I was. It was like it was just you and me.” His eyes are closed.

I kiss his nose, his other cheek, and his eyes. “It is just you and me now,” I say on his lips. His hungry mouth is quickly on mine, our tongues mingling, his hands skimming the skin underneath my tank top – it’s all essential and I’m not sure how I’ve lived without this, him, us.

---