Page 78 of Lost Love Found

I stand under the hot water of the shower until it runs cold. Once I’m out, I decide to set a date for visiting Betty and add it to my list. After all the silly things I set out to do this year, this feels like something substantial. Like it’s something important.

A thrill courses through my veins as I pull on my jacket and sneakers and step out the front door. I know Mom is at the grocery store and won't be back for at least an hour, so I decide to take advantage of the time by going for a stroll by myself.

I don’t know how long I’ve been walking, but I can feel that my hair has dried, so it must be a while.

“Elaina?” The voice is familiar, but I can’t place it. I look up and don’t see anyone, so I look around and when I turn back, I see her. Her hair has a lot more gray in it and the lines around her eyes are deeper, but she still looks younger than she is. She still has the same kind eyes.

“Mel. Oh my god.” My feet move towards her on their own accord, but when I reach the end of the driveway, a wave of memories crash into me. It’s Andy’s aunt. Seeing her is like replaying a movie I've seen a thousand times. I remember how she walked towards me with tear-stained cheeks and red rimmed eyes. I remember how my legs gave out beneath me and how I screamed when she told me he was gone. She must feel it too, because when she sees me, she hesitates. But then, she keeps walking and envelops me in a tight hug.

“Elaina, sweetheart. Look at you.” She pulls back, tucking my hair behind my ears and smiling up at me. “You’re so beautiful. You’re so grown.” She stands in front of me, her face a mix of understanding and sympathy, and gently wipes away my tears with her calloused thumb. I feel like I've been wandering aimlessly, searching for something I knew I would never find, and suddenly the sidewalk I had been blindly walking down opens up and reveals this moment. “Will you come in? I’ll make us some coffee. Or something stronger, if we need it.” I nod numbly and we walk towards the house together.

She enters the room in confident strides, her eyes fixed on the coffee machine. After it starts brewing, she plucks a bottle of Bailey’s off the counter and places it on the small wooden table. She lowers herself onto a chair across from me, crossing her legs as she examines my features; a hint of a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.

“You were always a beautiful girl, Elaina, but my god, what a beautiful woman you’ve become. It’s so, so good to see you.” She takes my hand and I seem to snap out of my numbness. I smile back.

“It’s really good to see you, too, Mel. I didn’t mean to end up here today, but I’m so glad I did.” I look down at our hands on the table. “I’m sorry I haven’t visited, I–”

“Oh, honey, no. None of that. You’re here now.” She pats my hand and gets up to get the coffee. “I’ve watched all your TV shows and movies. You’re so talented!” Oh god, she’s kept up with my career and I haven’t even bothered to come to say hello to the woman the few times I’ve come into town. I suck.

“Thank you, Mel. That means so much.”

She sits back down and sets a steaming mug in front of me, gesturing towards the sugar and cream next to the bottle of Bailey’s.

“So. What’s going on? You’ve been in Marblehead for a week, and you haven’t spent this much time here in years.” Cutting right to the chase. Very much Mel’s style.

“I needed some time away. To be alone. To think about some things.” I pause, my fingers hovering inches away from the container of cream. Then, I snatch the Bailey’s and pour it, glancing at Mel, who grins approvingly.

“What happened with the movie star?” she says into her cup of coffee. My head snaps up at her correct assumption that this is over a guy, and I laugh through my nose.

“Ugh, it’s so predictable, isn’t it? That I would be here, sleeping in my childhood bedroom, crying myself to sleep and wandering around town over a guy!” I’m so mad at myself for being such a walking stereotype.

“Oh, no, honey. We’re not going to do that.” She pours some Bailey’s into her cup. “This is a judgment-free zone. He looks like he’s a good kisser on screen. So… is he?”

Her candor catches me off-guard and in the state I’ve been in, I react to it all wrong. “What? You’re really asking me that? Mel, I… I don’t think I can talk to you about that.”

“OK. Then talk to me about what you feel you can talk to me about.” She casually sips her coffee. “Why are you here, Elaina?”

I stay silent. I don’t want to answer her. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t know what to say.

“Why are you here?” She’s relentless. Why does she care? I don’t even know why I’m here. I just started walking and ended up at her house. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t mean to come here!

“Why are you here, honey?” I can’t talk about this. I can’t talk to her about this. This isn’t right. What will she think? What would Andy think?

“Elaina, you can tell me. Why are you here?” As if she can sense me reeling downwards, her voice softens, and she holds my hand again while I sit still, stunned. She squeezes my hand and suddenly the dam breaks.

“Because I fell in love with a man, but I’m too scared to tell him. I’m scared to need him. I’m scared of losing him. I’m scared I can’t handle another man I love not being there anymore. I’m so scared that I had a panic attack after he told me he loved me, and I left his apartment in the middle of the night and came here because I can’t face going anywhere else. Because this place is where all of my hurts happened, and it felt like the most natural place to be when I’m so sad and broken. Because it’s been 10 years since I was in love and I don’t know how to do it again, so I came back, OK? There! That’s why I’m here!” My voice is sharp and I’m shaking. The real and ugly truth I’ve pushed deep down is now sitting on the surface for Mel to see, and it should be horrifying. It should be embarrassing. But it’s liberating.

I take a deep gulp of my coffee, wishing I’d been more liberal with the alcohol. I pull in a deep, shaky breath, but I don’t look at Mel. I can’t. Not yet.

“That all makes a lot of sense, honey.” She keeps holding my hand and somehow opens the bottle of Bailey’s with the other. She tops up my cup and I squeeze her hand in gratitude. “What do you love about him?”

I sip my coffee, which is mostly Bailey’s now, and think. Everything. I love everything about him. “He listens when I talk. He’s gentle, but knows when to push me. He’s generous with his affection. He tells me exactly how he feels. He’s steady and dependable. He’s insanely hot. And when he…” I don’t finish my thought here because Mel doesn’t need to know about that.

I look up to find her smiling. “He knows the way you need to be loved. And something about the blush on your cheeks tells me that applies in the bedroom, too.” She laughs as I blush further. “I know I can’t be the first to tell you this, Elaina, but it’s OK for you to love him. It’s OK for you to be scared too, but don’t let that stop you.”

“You sound like my mom.”

She laughs, tapping my hand and leaning back in her chair. “Well, your mom is a smart woman.” Her face grows more serious. “And she knows a thing or two about grief.”

---