Page 82 of Lost Love Found

Buy (and wear) sexy lingerie. Try to make it comfortable. Don’t look at the price tags. Feel good about your little secret no one else can see.

Wax my lady parts. Just because I’ve always wanted to try it. Because it’s new. Because I want to know what it feels like.

Spend more time with Owen. Show him the parts of my life he’s missed and get to know the parts of his I’ve missed too.

Sing in public. Like Karaoke? Whatever. Just sing. Sing all the songs I love most regardless of who’s listening.

Get back to doing yoga. Because it feels so good to move my body that way and because my mind needs clearing.

Try a new recipe. Bake something new for me or for someone else. I already do this, but this is my reminder to keep doing it.

Do something that scares me. Not like skydiving or anything involving near or potential death, but something that scares me deep down. Something my soul will remember. Something I’ll be glad I did when I’m old and wrinkly.

Have more than one orgasm in one day. Try to make it with something other than a plethora of toys, but no pressure. Just have more orgasms in general. I’ve gone long enough without them.

Masturbate in the bath because it sounds like fun. If it’s not fun, don’t do it. Bonus points for bringing snacks for afterwards.

I think I can safely cross everything off. Going into Betty’s was scary, that’s for sure, and thanks to having so much time on my hands, I’ve tried a few new recipes and I think I perfected the berry muffin for Adam. Now I need to add one more thing to this list. The one last thing I need to do, just for me. Because I need to audibly declare that my heart is ready and to face this fear once and for all.

Tell Adam I love him. If words don’t work, use some sort of grand gesture so that he knows how much he means to me, how he’s changed my life and that I was just too stupid to realize I’ve probably been falling in love with him since the night we met. Make sure to do something wonderfully romantic, like the guy with the fake carollers in Love, Actually or maybe with a boombox like in Say Anything to really drive the point home that it’s always been him. Perhaps add the perfect 90’s pop song to the playlist and play it for him. He just needs to know that it doesn’t matter where I go - when I enter a room, the only eyes I ever want to see looking back at me are his. The exact shade of blue when he’s happy is my favorite color in the whole world. His laugh is the best sound I’ve ever heard, and I'd rather go through life scared than live a single day without him knowing how much I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. So much that it scares me and makes me brave all at once.

I tuck the note away, pack my things and when I walk into the kitchen, I see Mom is already there with her tea and one for me. “Hi, Ma.”

“Hi, sweetie. Did you sleep well?” She pats the seat next to her.

“I did. Thank you.” I pull her in for a hug. “Seriously, Mom. Thank you. For everything.”

“Go and get your man, Elaina. He’s a good one.” Her eyes crinkle in the corners as she smiles. I know she liked Adam even before meeting him, but yesterday really solidified it for her. I caught them talking alone, smiling and the way my mom patted his cheek, well… that’s her sign for you’re one of mine, now. She’s done it with the others, too.

“Yeah. He is. I just hope it’s not too late.” I sip my tea and say a silent prayer that I didn’t wait too long.

“You have respect for one another, you’re friends and you love each other. You’ll be OK, Elaina.” She gives my hand a squeeze as she gets up. “Do you want to eat something before we go?”

“No, thank you. I don’t think I could eat right now.” I drink more of my tea and turn my body towards my mom. “Ma?” She turns to look at me. “Do you think we could do Christmas here this year?” A single tear rolls down her cheek, and a bright, warm smile stretches across her face as she looks at me. The tears in her eyes glisten in the sun's rays.

“I’d love that so much, sweetheart.” We hold one another close, and no other words are necessary for us to grasp the depth of our love for one another.

The last few months have been transformative. I’m a different person. A person who made a new friend without first seeing him. Someone who actually likes getting her lady bits waxed so much she's done it multiple times- who knew? Someone who was finally able to let go of all my past hurts to fall in love with a wonderful, beautiful man. A man who may not even want me anymore, but who has changed my life nonetheless. I’m someone who likes sexy underwear because of how it makes me feel. It turns out I can love despite my fears. Alongside my fears. Because I can share them with the ones I love and they can help me carry the burden. All this time my friends have been doing that for me and I didn’t really see it. Adam has been doing it, too. From day one.

When Mom and I pull apart, we both wipe away tears and laugh. I’ve cried so much these last two weeks, I can’t believe I’m still capable of doing it at all!

“OK, let’s get out of here before I decide to move back in!” We laugh again and she wheels my suitcase out to her car.

We drive to the airport quietly and have another long hug when we get there. We say our I love yous and I walk towards the doors feeling equal parts terrified and elated. I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing, but I need to go cross that last item off my list.

* * *

I arrive at home and feel the weight of my worries melt away. I love it here and the sunny weather is definitely helping to lift my spirits, too. When I open the front door, I’m greeted with loud music and the smell of something sweet and something savory in the air. “Cinema” by Harry Styles is playing and I smile. Adam. I walk straight to the kitchen, but I’m not prepared for the scene in front of me, so I gasp loudly before I can fully take him in. He’s wearing workout shorts and an apron. No shirt. My mouth waters. He’s loading the dishwasher so he can’t see me, but he turns around anyway, sensing me.

“Oh shit! Elaina?” He stands there, frozen in his spot as my jaw drops to the floor. He’s cooking. And baking. And the pink apron shouldn’t be sexy, but it most definitely is!

“I’m home,” I say dumbly. His face is still shaven, and I so badly want to touch it. Kiss it. But I seem to be frozen still, too.

We finally move towards one another, and I hug him tight. “Hi.”

His arms wrap around my waist tightly, his face in my hair as he takes a deep breath in. When we pull back, my fingers unconsciously go to his face. “Hi,” I whisper again. His eyes move over my face and when he licks his bottom lip, I almost don’t have the self-control to not kiss him.

“You’re home.” He takes a small step back and swallows, looking around the kitchen. “I’m sorry about the mess. I was just… uh… trying something.” His cheeks are flushed and he seems nervous.

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