“I have?” He frowned. “Then tell me what I’m not seeing,” he said softly.
When she got up abruptly, he didn’t try to stop her. Fuck, he was more confused now than ever. He watched her walk over to the window and stare into their backyard. He was about to get up and go to her when she turned to face him.
“I already told you I didn't mean what I said that day, about coming second. I was upset, lashing out.” She folded her arms in a gesture that made Steve feel like she’d put a wall back up. He wasn’t about to let her do that again.
“Sometimes, when we lash out, we say what we really mean.” He kept his eyes on hers.
She shook her head. “I didn't mean it. Not the way it sounded, anyway.”
“Then tell me what you did mean,” he coaxed. “Whatever it is, I want to know.” He wanted, no, needed her to open up.
She sighed and paced. Again, he wanted to go to her, but his gut told him to sit tight, to let her do this her own way in her own time.
“I know what your job entails, Steve. Knew what I was getting into when you first asked me out. I might not have known how hard things might be as a Navy wife, but we are fortunate to have wonderful parents, and we managed.” She fell silent, looking at him.
“It was still a lot for you to deal with.”
“Yes, it was,” Diane said. “But I was good with it because I am so damn proud of you. Proud to be your wife. Proud that you risk your life—as much as it scares me to hell sometimes—to protect our freedom and help others. It’s who you are.” Turning her head away, she paced again.
Steve watched her. She had told him she was proud of him before, but it still made his heart swell to hear her say it.
“You’re right,” she said. “You had to make sacrifices for your job, and I had to make sacrifices to accommodate it. It’s always been about making things work around you, but I accepted it. Like I said, I understood. But I am more than just a special operator’s wife. Even now, when things haven't been right between us, you think it’s about you—your job. How you will change. What you will do.”
When she stopped pacing and faced him again, she placed her hands on her hips.
“It’s not always about you, Steve. The world, our marriage, our family doesn’t always have to be about you, revolve around you and your job. This time it’s all about me. What I need. When I said we came second, it wasn't about you putting us second. It was about me not feeling like anything I do, any problem I have, can ever compare to what you face. It’s about me feeling like a failure. It’s about me not wanting to burden you with anything because I don't want you worrying about me when you're on a mission. It’s about after all these years, no matter how much I love you and I know you love me, I feel alone. Whatever is going on with me, what does it matter?” She threw her hands in the air. “I can’t compete with you. I can’t do this anymore. You deserve better than me.”
And just like that, Steve’s heart shattered.
Chapter 16
“We have a small situation.”
Volkov’s grip tightened on his phone as Hakim Aziz spoke. The sarin was in Reborn’s hands, and they had already wired the money. Their business was done.
“What kind of situation?” he said tensely.