Page 75 of No More Lies

“Angel, I need you to listen to what I’m saying. You are so strong. When I go to work, I always worry about you. If you’re OK? Is Megan behaving? But when I need to, I put it aside and focus on my job. We’re trained that way. You were juggling Megan, the house, the bills, your job. You never complained. I had a whole team by my side when I was gone. You were doing this mostly alone. That kind of strength is something I can only ever dream of having.”

She closed her eyes as he sighed before continuing.

“I’ve never thought our life is all about my job. Until now. My work means hard choices for both of us, and I can never repay you for your understanding and support all these years. But hear me when I say your happiness has always been important to me, and I’m so sorry I didn't communicate that well enough. I’m beginning to realize I may have taken everything you’ve done—you for granted, and I’m not sure I’m ever going to forgive myself for that. I never want you to hold anything back for fear of worrying me or distracting me. I want to know everything that’s going on with you, good and bad.”

She snuggled into his chest, splaying her hand over his pounding heart. Without raising her head, she said, “I don’t feel like you took me for granted. It’s more like I feel unseen. Like nothing I do really matters.”

“Angel. Everything you do matters.”

It was time. Taking a deep breath she started talking.

“Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed of becoming a lawyer. My mom loved legal TV shows, and I got hooked, too. I was going to be one of those confident, beautiful, powerful women in the designer dresses, four-inch heels, working at the swanky firm. I was going to get justice for the people that deserved it and love every minute of it. I used to dress up, acting out courtroom scenes in my bedroom.”

The feeling of Steve’s hand squeezing her shoulder was comforting as she went on.

“I’m pretty sure I fell in love with you the first time I saw you in uniform in that coffee shop. Falling in love, getting married, and having a baby so young had not been part of the life plan I had since I was that little girl. It didn’t matter. I was so happy. But I still wanted my dream, and you supported me in going after it. Yes, it was tough, but I wasn’t completely alone. We are so damn lucky to have great family around us. When I think about how they helped us during those years. Childcare, money, and their encouragement for us both to fulfill our career goals.” She inhaled deeply, getting emotional remembering.

“We are blessed to have great parents.” He kissed her hair.

“I was and still am, proud to be your wife, but I do resent your job at times.” She expected a reaction, but Steve said nothing, only continued to stroke her hair.

“It was hard trying to deal with everything while you were gone. Balancing being a mom, taking care of the home, studying. It was much harder than I could have ever imagined. But then you would come home, and I knew it was all worth it. You love what you do, are good at it, and are making a difference in this world. In some ways, it motivated me even more to become a lawyer. I couldn’t wait for the day that I could feel the same way about being a lawyer that you did about being a Navy SEAL. To love going to work. To make a difference. To be living my purpose.”

She paused again, but Steve stayed silent. She was still snuggled into his chest and couldn't bring herself to look up at him.

“When I got the job at McCormick and Michaels, I thought I’d finally done it. I was a lawyer at a swanky firm. My dream had come true. Only it hasn’t been a dream. It’s been a nightmare.” She choked on the last word and squeezed her eyes shut. Steve’s arms tightened around her as she cried again. He didn’t try to stop her, or reassure her, or tell her she was being stupid. He just held her and let her cry. She was finally admitting the truth.

***

STEVE HATED SEEING Diane cry. There had been a lot of tears shed tonight and it killed him she was this upset. The operator in him wanted to take control and fix it, but he knew he needed to rein it in, and be the loving supportive husband his angel needed. She wasn’t leaving him. He hadn’t realized just how scared he’d been she might. Not that he wouldn't have fought to win her back if she had said she was leaving. Knowing she wanted to be with him as much as he wanted her was a strong foundation. Everything else could be fixed with communication, time and effort. He held her tight and waited, sensing she had more to tell him.

Minutes passed before Diane quieted. He relaxed his arms, but he did not let her go.

“At first, everything was fine,” Diane said, her voice low. “I chose family law because I wanted to make a difference for real people. Families, children. It became clear pretty quickly no one really cared about the people. It was all about the money and winning. I put my head down and worked hard, determined to get my junior partnership, but with every day that went by I began to dislike what I was doing more and more. I was trapped in this life that I had dreamed of, wanted, with no way out.”

“Why—”

“No,” she said, cutting him off. “I need to get this all out. Please.”

He gave her a supportive squeeze. “Of course.”

“I think it was then that everything else became a bigger problem. Dealing with everything when you were gone. Even doing simple things like getting groceries became something I resented. It feels like I’m doing everything for everyone else. You, Megan, the partners, clients, and getting nothing in return. Which is ridiculous.” She seemed to wrestle with the words. “I’ve always loved being a wife and mother and loved doing anything for either of you. It made me happy.” She lifted her shoulders and then dropped them. “Suddenly nothing made me happy. Then I would feel guilty for feeling that way. I have a wonderful family, amazing friends, a home, a great job that could secure our future. I have so much. How could I be unhappy? I was being selfish, so I plastered on a smile, and kept going. I told no one. Not even the girls.”

He had wondered about that. Were Kelly, Mira or Sophie aware? The three of them were tight. To hear she hadn’t even confessed to them made it even worse. She really had been dealing with this all alone.

When Diane stayed quiet, he asked softly, “I get the feeling there’s more?”

Still, Diane stayed quiet.

“Angel? You said you wanted to get it all out. Don’t stop now. Tell me.” He stroked her hair, and she sighed.

“You’re not going to like it.”

“It doesn’t matter if I like it or not. I told you there is nothing you can say that’s going to change how I feel. Tell me.”

Fear bubbled in his gut, but he ignored it. Nothing could be that bad, could it? She pulled away from him and stood up, walking back to the window with her back to him. He stayed on the sofa, letting her have her space. When she finally turned to face him, the pain on her face startled him.

“I stopped seeing the girls, going to the team gatherings, because I was jealous. I felt like such a failure, and I couldn't bear being around you all.”

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