Page 23 of Beautiful Life

“I’m not good for you.”

“Why don’t you let me be the judge of what’s good for me.”

“No. You deserve someone who isn’t broken and a mess like me.”

“Why are you broken?” he demands.

“You know why I’m broken,” I whisper.

“What do you dream about?” he pushes, raising his voice again, his tone even more insistent.

“This can’t happen,” I mutter and start to move backwards, turning toward the door where I came from.

But Tony’s quicker, surprising me after just having surgery and moves between me and foyer. He steps in close, keeping up all his intensity, challenging me. “What haunts you?”

“I’ve got to go.” I start to panic and try to sidestep him, but he moves in front of me.

Lifting his hands up to the sides of my neck and holding me firmly in place, he demands, “Tell me.”

“Please let me go.” I hear my own voice small, pained, and fearful.

He doesn’t let me go or move away. I feel myself trembling in his hands. It’s been months but my body is trained, telling me to go into terror mode. Sliding his hands up into my hair holding the sides of my head firmly, he brings his face to mine and his tone turns guttural and intense. “I will never hurt you, Leigh.”

“Let me go,” I plead, feeling the tears come.

“Never. I am not him. I will always handle you with care.”

“Please,” I beg and grab onto his forearms to pull away.

He holds me firmly. “Why do you wake up whimpering? Almost crying?”

I shake my head. “Tony.”

“Why won’t you let yourself be happy?”

“Please stop,” I beg and realize my tears are spilling over, running down my cheeks.

“Tell me what you dream, Leigh,” he demands.

The word comes out as a squeak as I’m still shaking my head in his hands. “No.”

He doesn’t let up, he raises his voice even more. “Why do you think you’re broken?”

Not being able to take another second, I scream, “Because it’s my fault!” The tears pour down my face. “It’s my fault. I killed my baby!”

I feel my legs give out and crumple to the floor. Tony grabs me as best he can, coming down with me. My cries are out of control and his arms come around me as he fits me between his bent legs, pulling me tight to his chest.

I shake with sobs as my nightmare spills from my lips. “I was lonely and wanted something to love, just one thing good in my life so I went off the pill without him knowing. He would come at me for sex and take what he wanted, when he wanted it. I knew I could get pregnant. I did it knowing he was cheating on me, that he would hit me, emotionally drain me. But I did it anyway because I was selfish, I was lonely, but really, I was just weak. I needed something good, everything was bad. He was so angry when I told him I was pregnant and he showed me just how angry he was and I lost my baby. But it’s my fault. I might as well have killed it myself…”

He pulls me in tighter and tries to shush me with his lips against my hair, but I fist my hands in his shirt and go on between my sobs. “What was I thinking? Bringing a child into that? Who would do that? I was so stupid, it’s all my fault.”

I’ve lost it. Saying it out loud is too much. Tony puts a hand to the back of my head and stuffs my face in his neck, rocking me back and forth still shushing my cries. “Is that what you dream?”

I nod against his chest unable to stop crying. “I feel the pain. Every time, I feel it like it’s real. There’s blood everywhere and I swear I can touch it. But the noise is the worst, it’s a baby crying and it’s earsplitting, I can’t take it.”

“It’s okay, I’ve got you,” he whispers against my hair.

I fist his shirt in my hands tighter and get the strangled words out. “You need someone better, Tony. You deserve someone better.”

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