Page 33 of Beautiful Life

But who am I kidding? We’re all past the point of tipsy.

It’s Saturday night and we’ve had two full days of fun and somewhat relaxation. I was not wrong in my estimation of the Carpino women. They’re all high energy, but when you get them together, it’s off the charts. Other than the two massages, facial, and pedicure I’ve had, the rest of our bachelorette-spa-tranquil weekend has been go-go-go.

We hiked in the Arizona mountains, which should be tranquil but not with this group. It was loud, funny, and chaotic. Until Tia, Gabby’s aunt, tripped and skinned her knees. Of course, Gabby’s other aunt, Emma, being the oldest and self-anointed matriarch of our group, unearthed Band-Aids and antibiotic ointment to save the day. Then it was back to loud, fun, and chaos.

This morning we went horseback riding and I’m not sure the poor horses have ever experienced the likes of our group. Halfway through our mosey, Lizzie’s horse stopped and refused to budge another inch. I’m pretty sure this had everything to do with the decibel of Lizzie’s voice. After much coaxing from our guide with zero success, the horse refused to move and Lizzie had to ride double with Sophia. Paige commemorated the moment with Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy). Sophia’s horse had a happier disposition because he didn’t seem to mind the singing, giggling, and horse dancing.

We ended our afternoon with a sunset meditation session. We were perched atop a plateau overlooking the beautiful orangish-redish mountain ranges. It was supposed to be a thirty-minute session, but I’m pretty sure our instructor cut it short. Let’s just say this group isn’t capable of meditating, at least not together. In the beginning our instructor tried to discourage the whispering, but the whispers became giggles and that’s when it happened.

Someone passed gas.

All hell broke loose.

No one owned up to it, but I do know it came from the other end of our group so I wasn’t blamed. Our instructor finally got everyone settled down, when from her meditation pose, Paige started to quietly sing Against the Wind. Now, I love Bob Segar, but that song will never be the same to me if that tells you depths of Paige’s power to label a moment. It was then our instructor, with a tight face, announced our session was over and it was time for us to get ready for dinner even though the sun hadn’t set below the mountains yet. We climbed off our plateau with no remorse for ruining the meditation session.

After dinner, we congregated in the lush cushy furniture around the low outdoor fire pit wrapped in blankets provided by the resort. Gabby and I are drinking Prickly Pear Martini’s. I think they’re made with some sort of cactus fruit, but it doesn’t really matter what’s in it—they’re like candy and I’ve lost count of how many I’ve had.

“Enough fun!” Lizzie slurs over those who have started singing Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. “Quiet! All right, ladies, we’ve come to the time of the weekend for marital advice. Who wants to go first?”

My stomach clenches and I’m sure I just sobered up about three martinis out of my who-knows-how-many martini’s because I have absolutely nothing to add to this conversation.

Charlotte looks to Lizzie. “If you start talking about sex with dad, I’m going to puke.”

“I’m not sure about this…” Gabby starts.

“No, no,” Tia adds on a hiccup. “We have many, many years of valuable experience you can benefit from.”

“You should have kids right away. There’s no reason to wait,” Reagan annunciates.

Feeling a lot loose lipped, Gabby waves her hand around sloshing her martini. “Done! Jude wants to start having babies eee-meee-diate-ly.”

“Really?” Susan gasps. Susan is Jude’s mom and I think she’s had the same experience I’ve had this weekend, playing the part of the observer to the Carpino Craziness. She’s either really shy or doesn’t know what to think of them. But I can tell she loves Gabby and she loves that her son is happy.

“Oh.” Gabby bites her lip. “I’m not sure we were planning on telling anyone that. No one can tell anyone.” She demands secrecy from the huge group in front of her. I’m not sure there’s anyone left to tell, but I look over to see Audrey drawing an X over her chest and Susan looks as happy as a clam. Getting over it quickly, Gabby belts, “That was easy. Next?”

“If you get in a fight and even if you’re still fighting, you should never sleep apart,” Emma says, sagely.

“Done again. Jude would never allow that anyway. Wow, this is way easier than I thought it would be. Next?”

“Don’t let him railroad you,” Paige mumbles with attitude as she drains her beer, getting the attention of the waiter for more drinks.

“Paige,” Micah enters the conversation. “You’ve never had a serious boyfriend. What do you know about being railroaded?”

“No one wants to be bossed around,” Paige mutters.

Gabby laughs and has to put her almost empty martini glass down. Trying to calm herself down, she wipes her eyes to say, “Ah, that’s funny.”

“What’s funny?” Clara asks.

“Jude is uber bossy, but it’s okay. He works it and he’s bossy about everything, if you know what I mean. But most of it is delish,” Gabby says with a dreamy look on her face until her eyes move through the group and hit Susan. Her dreamy look turns horrified as she exclaims, “Oh, I’m sorry Susan.”

“It’s okay. I’ve had so much to drink, I’m sure I won’t remember that tomorrow.” Susan smiles but Gabby looks over at me with a tight mouth.

“Lanny can be bossy,” Sophia whispers loudly with a grin and a raised eyebrow.

“Yeah, so can Vic,” Charlotte adds with a giggle. She’s usually much more reserved but apparently not when she’s three sheets.

“I do not need to know this about my daughters,” Lizzie mutters.

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