Page 88 of Illicit

“It’s not the same. My point is, I take that shit seriously. It might be a gesture that most people take for granted and show up at birthday parties and shit, but that’s not going to be me. I need to be there. Hell, I want to be there. I want this kid to know it can count on me for more than just gifts and gum. There’s nothing I want more than to be better than where I came from.”

My eyes prick with tears behind my sunglasses. “You’ve never had to try, Roc. Everyone sees that but you. You know how protective my parents are. Do you think they would’ve let you live with us if they didn’t trust you?”

“That doesn’t matter,” he goes on. “The reason I’m telling you this is to explain why I want to be back in Miami. Hell, it’s not even a want. I’m desperate for it.”

I change lanes to pass a car that’s going far below the speed limit and glance into my rearview mirror. Rocco is right there—two to three car lengths behind me—not letting me out of his sight. It doesn’t matter that I’m driving the speed limit and he never does. He hasn’t complained once.

“I’m not blaming you for wanting to be back.” I know where this is going. And after the recent turn of events between Rocco and me, I’m more confused than ever about moving to New York. “You deserve to be back in Miami. I’ve heard the agents talk. I know how hard you work. You’ve made a name for yourself, and you did it on your own. And I know them asking you to be the godfather is a big deal, because I know what it means to Brax and Landyn—especially Landyn.”

The line goes silent when he doesn’t respond. I wish I could look into his eyes right now. This is the side of Rocco not many people know. Brax and Landyn and my parents understand it best. I’ve witnessed it secondhand. If I were to guess, Micah and King know of it because there are no secrets in our little found family.

I mean, there is one secret, and it had better stay that way for the time being.

I decide to take a chance and step into the uncomfortable. “That night when I kissed you the first time and caught you so far off guard, you pushed me away … I might’ve been younger and on the wrong path and tipsy, but I wasn’t young and stupid. It wasn’t a spur-of-the-moment thing. For as long as I can remember, I’ve compared every guy who came into my life to you. And it’s because you’re you. Everything about you is good, Rocco. I wish you could see yourself the way everyone else sees you.” And then more quietly, I add, “The way I see you.”

“You don’t know what it’s like. I’ve got a fucking ghost on my heels, reminding me who I am every waking minute of the day. Hell, it reminds me of who I’m not more than anything else. That’s the worst. It doesn’t matter how much I try, I can’t shake it.”

I probably shouldn’t ask, but I can’t help it. I need to know. “Do you feel that way when you’re with me?”

“Baby,” he huffs, almost like it’s the most stupid question anyone has ever asked. “Brax and Landyn moved me across the country with them. Your parents moved me into their house. Micah pretty much handed me the opportunity to go to college on a silver platter. King treats me like an equal, which I do not deserve. But nothing, and I mean not one fucking thing, has made me feel less deserving of anything in my life than the thought of making you mine. It consumed me for two years.”

A single tear streaks my cheek, and I don’t bother wiping it away. I’m too mesmerized by Rocco’s confession mixed with the endless highway in front of me to respond. It doesn’t matter how consumed I am by the man he’s become. All I see is the boy in a man’s body who came to live with us all those years ago.

The one who felt the need to earn every meal he ate.

The one who never had his own bedroom until my parents gave him one.

And the one who felt so uncomfortable if anyone showed him kindness—let alone love—I thought he was going to run away from our family forever.

But he was also the same one that would do anything for anyone.

“You deserve everything,” I say on a whisper that I hope he can hear. “You definitely deserve better than me shutting you out just because I didn’t get what I wanted at a time when I’d lost my way. You didn’t deserve that. I’d do anything to go back and change it if I could.”

“Fuck,” he mutters. I can’t tell if that one word is from anger or frustration. “See that next exit? Pull off.”

I hit my brakes, because the next exit isn’t in miles, it’s right in front of me. “Why?”

“Do it, Teag. Get off the damn highway,” he demands.

I flip my signal and veer to the right. We’re in the middle of nowhere. The only thing off the highway is an abandoned gas station. “There’s nothing here. Why are we stopping?”

He doesn’t answer.

He disconnects our call.

I pull into the parking lot that hasn’t seen a car in years if its desolate state is anything to go by. A faded closed sign hangs crooked in the window, as if anyone would be mistaken about this place being open for business. I put my car into park in the middle of the lot.

Rocco pulls in behind me and is out of his car faster than me. When I glance in my side mirror, all I see is his large frame stalking toward me like a police officer on a mission who just pulled me over.

I unlock my door and reach for the handle, but he gets to me first. The next thing I know, my door is open, and Rocco is pulling me from the driver’s seat. He plucks the sunglasses from my face and tosses them haphazardly into the car.

“What are you—” I start, but don’t get another word out.

He claims my face as his hands span my jaw and cradle my head.

He consumes me.

His body presses mine to the side of my car. The metal is hot on my skin from the bright summer day, but it’s nothing compared to his desperation. I taste it as his tongue spears my mouth and feel it where his hips press into my belly.

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