Page 55 of His Relentless Angel

“I’m evil,” she whispers. “And I don’t know how to stop it.”

I lose my breath, feeling sick. This is my fault. “No, baby, you’re not.” I roll us over, crushing her beneath me. “When I call you that…I don’t mean it like that—just that you drive me crazy with how much I want you when—” I stop myself from saying when I shouldn’t. “It’s not because you’re a bad person or evil. There’s not a thing wrong with you! You’re my forever. My sweet angel. I love you.”

She faces away with her eyes pinched tight in pain. “After everything I’ve done to you, you shouldn’t love me. No one should. You’d all be so much happier and better off if I left…moved somewhere where no one would have to…have to put up with me.”

“Baby, no. That’s not true!” I cup her cheek and turn her head to face me so I can kiss her. How can someone so perfect and sweet and caring think this way about herself? “No one would be better off if you left. No one!”

“Yes, they would,” she cries.

“Bailey, my god.” The breath has been repeatedly punched out of me. “How long have you had these kinds of thoughts? That we’d be better off without you?” It’s so fucking painful to contemplate her living even just one day with these thoughts swirling in her head.

She whimpers, now clinging to me with her arms wrapped around my back, further breaking my heart when she finally says, “I’ve always known.”

Jesus, help me.

“So all those times when you would smile and laugh everything off, even as a kid, you were…”

She sucks in a stuttered breath. “Pretending. Dying inside. Hoping I would just…disappear.”

“Oh fuck, no, Bailey!” I’m shaking on top of her with icy fear, gasping for air. “I’m so sorry.” I grip her jaw and kiss the love of my life. “You can’t disappear. I need you. I need you always. Every minute of the rest of my life, living and breathing and happy by my side. Forever. Do you hear me?”

“Isaiah, no,” she cries, cradling my face. “You deserve better—”

“Stop saying that! You’re perfect, baby. Fucking perfect. I wish you could see what I see.” Fuck, I feel like I’m failing and falling apart. Mind spinning with how I can help her, I ask, “Have you ever gone to the doctor? Told anyone what’s going on with you?”

“After you left…when it got really bad.” Her voice breaks.

Any relief I felt at hearing she’s tried to get help breaks along with it. I will regret leaving her every day for the rest of my life. “What did the doctor say?”

“He gave me a prescription for anxiety, but it just made me dizzy and sleepy.”

“Did you go back? Try to get a new medication?”

She nods.

“What did he say?”

“He told me I’d get used to it, but I couldn’t…couldn’t function right on it. Kept missing classes and couldn’t drive, so I had to stop.”

“That motherfucker.” Rage boils in my veins. “When we get back home, we’re finding a doctor who will actually listen to you. Figure out what you need. We won’t stop until we find the best way to help you, ok?”

“Ok,” she agrees in a small voice, then yawns, blinking slowly, emotionally wiped out.

A fraction of the tension in my shoulders finally eases. I roll us back onto our sides and draw the comforter up over us. Bailey curls into my chest, and I lock my arms around her with my leg thrown over hers, determined to keep her anchored to my side until we can get her in to see a professional who will do their fucking job and help her.

Before we drift off to sleep, I kiss the crown of her head and say, “Promise me, if you start having those kinds of thoughts again, you’ll wake me up. Promise you won’t hide them from me again. If you need to cry, then I’ll cry with you. If you need to sit in the dark, then I’ll sit with you. Every single time. No matter what.” I wait for a beat. Two. “Bailey? Promise me.”

She nuzzles her forehead against my chest. “Ok.”

“Promise me.”

“I promise.”

Chapter 22

Bailey

I don’t know if Isaiah realizes what a gift he’s given me when he calls me sweet angel instead of evil angel. I’ve never been accused of being sweet. I’m usually described as dramatic, conniving, over the top, or too much. So when the love of my life calls me sweet, it’s a balm to my heart.

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