Page 72 of We Can Forever

“That’s great!”

Yeah. It is.

So why don’t I feel happier?

I open my texts, about to tell Michael the good news, then stop. What am I doing? I told him I needed a few days to think. It’s not appropriate in any way for me to text him updates about my life.

“I’ll take you out for a drink tonight to celebrate,” Maya is saying as she finishes setting up the classroom.

I nod and put on a smile, but inside, I feel hollow. I spent months working toward this success, but it doesn’t feel the same without Michael to share it with.

By not having him in my life, I’m avoiding some potential pain…but I’m also missing out on some joy too. So then, is being without him really worth it?

There’s no time to think about it, because the kids are spilling into the classroom. I hastily put my phone away and get started teaching the knitters a moss stitch and the crocheters a shell stitch. The whole while, I can feel Katie’s eyes on me. Aside from a smile and a quick “Hey,” though, I keep my teacher hat on and focus on the lesson.

“If anyone needs help, I’ll be right here.” I settle on one of the cushions near the front of the room, Maya sitting at her desk creating a lesson plan.

To no surprise, Katie approaches. “I made you this.” She hands me a wonkily knitted thing that looks like some kind of sleeve.

“Oh. Thank you.” I take it, my heart filling with warmth. It doesn’t even matter that I have no clue what it is. The fact that she made me something makes me want to cry—and because of the whole soup of emotions that comes with this complicated situation.

“It’s a case for your glasses,” she explains.

I gasp with true delight. “Katie, I love it.”

Katie folds her arms and fidgets, looking uncharacteristically uncomfortable. “I want you to know that no matter what happens between you and my dad, we can still be friends.”

I hold the crocheted case close to my chest. She’s tugging on heartstrings I didn’t even know I had. “I’d like that,” I say softly.

“Do you have any idea of what I could make for him to cheer him up? He’s been down since the fire.”

“He has?” A lump forms in my throat.

Katie nods and searches my face, maybe looking for an answer as to what happened between Michael and me?

It doesn’t seem like my place to tell her the story, though. It’s up to Michael to decide how much or how little she’s privy to.

“I’ll think about what that could be,” I say.

Instead, I spend the rest of the class toggling between feeling sure I’ve made a terrible mistake by stepping back from Michael and knowing for sure that a life without him is what’s best for me. By the time the bell rings, Katie and I can only say a quick goodbye before she leaves with her class, so I’m spared from admitting I haven’t come up with any ideas.

“I’ll text you,” I tell Maya, blowing her a kiss as I grab my bag and walk out of the classroom. School is over, the halls overflowing with kids.

I keep my eyes peeled, my breath in my throat, hoping to see Michael here picking up Katie and Rose. What would I even say to him, though?

I’m sorry? I hate this?

Both are true, but saying them won’t do any good. My feelings don’t change reality. No matter how much I miss him, I’m probably still better off flying solo.

“Hannah,” a woman’s voice calls as I’m walking through the front doors.

I spin on my heel and catch sight of Cynthia over the sea of children’s heads. My heart jumps into my throat.

Oh no. Michael’s mom.

Did he tell her about our talk? What does she think about me now?

As she advances toward me, a smile on, I realize I have nothing to worry about. If anyone understands how I feel, it’s Cynthia. Her husband was a firefighter, after all—and he died while at work.

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