Page 7 of A Study of Blood and Ichor

“I can pay you tomorrow,” I said, wincing.

Remi rolled his eyes and gave a drawn-out sigh. “I don’t want your money, Ava. Jus’go before—”

“What the hell?”

I spun to find Luke standing in the doorway, brows drawn together over narrowed eyes as he shot daggers at me. Before any of us could say anything, he turned and stormed away.

Remi’s mouth had formed a silent O, and Kalaei’s attention was fixated on the grooves of the floorboards, which had suddenly become the most interesting thing in the room.

“That’s my cue,” I said, giving them a small smile. Kalaei’s mouth hung open as if she wanted to say something, but I didn’t give her a chance. My skin was hot and itchy and the only thoughts I had right now were of avoiding Luke, knocking back the elixir, and nursing a hot cup of black tea before crawling into bed. I thanked Remi and ducked my head as I left.

I half-expected to find Luke waiting outside their room, but he wasn’t there. My sigh of relief was short lived though, because when I rounded the corner, I found him guarding the door to mine.

He pushed off the wall and stood tall as I approached, his gaze just as threatening as it’d been earlier. “What were you thinking?”

I tossed my hair over my shoulder. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I tried reaching for the handle, but Luke stepped into my path.

“Don’t play dumb with me, Helacourt. Why’d you think it would be a good idea to be in my room?”

“It’s not just your room, Luke. I needed something from Remi.”

“I don’t care what you needed. It doesn’t give you the right—”

“You don’t get to tell me what to do. You didn’t get to before, and you sure as hell don’t get to now.”

I gripped the vial in my palms so tightly that I was afraid it might shatter. But even if it did and the glass shards were to dig their way under my flesh and stay there forever, I was sure I’d deserve that.

Luke opened his mouth, then shut it quickly. “Look…” His voice was laden with exhaustion. “I don’t care that you’re completely over us. It sucks, but I’m trying to move past it. So, I’d appreciate not having to run into you more than absolutely necessary.”

I shouldn’t have scoffed at him, but I did. “You know that’s basically impossible.”

“It’s not. You stay in your lane. I’ll stay in mine. We can be adults about this, right?”

“If that’s your idea of handling a breakup like adults, then I’ve got a newsflash for you.” I pressed a finger to his chest. It was closer than I had dared to get to him in a long time. “It’s been over a month, and we’re in the same damn coven. We sleep literally down the hall from each other. So, if it’s too painful for your fragile ego to handle the sight of me in your day to day, then maybe you should request a transfer.”

Luke’s eyebrows shot up, and his lips pressed into a tight line. It was a look I had gotten used to—whenever I snapped at him without reason or started petty arguments in hopes that he might one day hate me. It was the same one as when I finally told him that we were done.

“Why are you still so adamant about pushing me away?”

“I'm not doing this with you right now,” I said.

“I just don’t understand why you want me to hate you.”

Because it was easier for him to hate me. If he hated me, he could move on. He deserved more than I could ever give him. But I didn’t have the strength to admit that to him. And even if I did, I knew Luke wouldn’t accept it. He would try and fix things like he always did and convince me that we could work through anything.

He took a hesitant step closer, the edge in his tone softening as he continued. “You know, if I scared you too much with all that talk about marriage and wanting to start a family with you someday, all you had to do was say something. If I was moving too fast for you…I don’t understand why we couldn’t have just talked about it.”

There had been a time where I’d considered being honest with Luke. A part of me knew he deserved that much. But I was a coward, and the truth was too painful for me to admit—that I could never be the one to satisfy him in those ways. It was neither the life I wanted, nor was it one I was even remotely capable of giving him. Telling him the truth meant I’d have to face his disappointment and the eventual bitterness of his resentment before he decided I was no longer worth his trouble. So, I’d broken things off before Luke had the chance, preferring to settle for his hostility and the contempt he threw into every glare. I’d much rather be hated than become another disappointment to someone else.

A pang of regret tinged with an all-too-familiar guilt shot through my chest before the words left my mouth. “I don’t understand why you think I ever cared in the first place.”

It was like a slap to the face, and I could see the exact moment my jab hit its mark in the way that Luke stiffened. He sucked in a sharp breath and leveled his gaze, assessing me. “Yeah, fuck my feelings, right?”

“Goodnight, Luke.” I pushed past him and slammed the door in his face.

Leaning back against the wall, I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to ignore the heaviness settling in my chest. I should have gone to apologize to him. But he’d decided to be the asshole first, and confronting me had done nothing more than drag up past feelings I thought I had been doing a good job of tamping down until tonight.

“You’re a cold fucking bitch.” The truth of his words to me months ago didn’t sting any less now than they did then. Pushing him away was easier. So much easier that I sometimes thought that disappointing and hurting people was the only thing I knew how to do well at all.

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