Page 23 of Unholy Matrimony

17. baby

18. Of course, now give me those lips

19. baby

20. yes

21. Flower

22. baby

23. love

24. Baby

25. baby

Chapter eleven

The Wedding

Lina:

Raisa and I are in the choir loft, looking out over the narthex. It's full of parishioners waiting for the big ceremony. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous. Not about marrying Lenya. After this week, I have never been more certain about something. Being his wife is all that I want now, having his children and going through life by his side. We spent the past week getting to know each other, learning everything spouses should know. I fell in love with the little things about him. The way he smiles when he is truly happy about something, his deep laugh when I crack a joke or we watch something funny. His kindness to others despite his line of work. I learned who he is deep inside despite what others say about him.

Not to mention lots of early mornings and late nights of exploring each other’s bodies and kisses that almost led to sex. Here I am, though, a virgin on my wedding day. There were a couple of close calls, but Lenya could always stop, even when I begged him not to. He knew that even though at that moment I wanted it, coming to the altar as a virgin meant a great deal to me.

Right before coming up here with Raisa, I had my pre-wedding confession and I don’t think I have ever seen Father Ireni’s face so red! Having confessed to everything Lenya, and I did, I received absolution. I left his office with a big fat smirk on my face to be met by my Mama and a few of the babas to help get me ready. My Mama still has barely spoken to me, my Papa hasn’t even looked at me. It’s disappointing, but I am past the point of caring. Lenya finally told me about my father trying to set me up with Grigory Ivanovich. Despite Lenya's comforting embrace, the disgust I felt lingered long after my tears had dried. Things would never be the same.

Now here I am with Raisa, waiting to be summoned down to see Lenya for the first time in my wedding dress. My sister turns to me. “Are you ready for this? You're only nineteen, Lina.” She holds my hand in hers.

I look down and smile at our hands, “I don’t think I have ever been more ready for something,” pulling my gaze to her, “My life was nothing but misery and following rules. He has shown me the love and devotion that our parents never did. His love feels like freedom, Raisa. I am free when I am with him. Nobody beats me, just because they can or to take the beating to protect someone else.” Raisa flinches at the words. “Hey,” I say, pulling her into my arms, “I would do it over again the same way. I will always protect you.”

She kisses my cheek and wipes tears from her eyes. “I know you will.”

“It’s time,” Nastya calls up through the stairwell.

Raisa descends the stairs, and I take a few steps toward the stairs, letting out a deep breath. I take a moment to reflect on life and what’s led to this moment. One particular time with Papa seeps into my thoughts

I can’t feel the back of my thighs up to the middle of my back. Raisa is cowering in the corner watching Papa beat me, too afraid to do anything. I look at her and try somehow to let her know I’m okay and to hide. “You should have never been born!” CRACK, as the belt came down across my behind. I lay there as quietly as I could, crying and whimpering, only making things worse. I try to pray the Jesus Prayer as many times as I can. God hasn’t stopped this yet, but I still have faith. This time was over something as simple as taking too long to clean the dishes, but most days, he didn’t need a reason other than he was drunk. Mama never interfered, just cleaned up afterward.

When I am almost to the end of the stairwell, I think back to the conversation Lenya and I had in the early hours of this morning.

“I don’t want our future children to know the pain I went through. I never want our children to flinch when we touch them or to be afraid of us.” Wrapping his arms around me, Lenya kisses my forehead. “My mother never hit me growing up, only my father. I think I turned out okay. But I will stand by however you want to raise our children. Like I’ve told you, I would rather die than hurt you or our children. I don’t break my promises, tsvetok1.”

I smile and know today is the beginning of the rest of my life.

I turn around the last curve in the stairwell and am met with a smiling Father Ireni. “Oh, Lina! You are a vision! Are you ready?” “Da2,” I exclaim. He smiles and steps aside, and waiting for me by the doors is Lenya. Our eyes meet and he looks so handsome in his suit. He got a haircut in the time we’ve been apart. I smile. Tears are falling down his cheeks. I find it endearing that he feels secure enough to let his guard down and cry. I walk towards him and it’s like a magnetic force is pulling me to him.

Leonid:

Fuck, don’t cry. Don’t you fucking cry, Leonid.

I am angry at myself for crying because the tears blur my sight. She is gorgeous! I always knew she was an Angel. Now that she is walking towards me in that perfect white dress, I am one hundred percent convinced that’s what she is. Her reddish blonde hair is peaking out under her platok and I’d give anything to see it flowing down her back. Our eyes locked on each other and as she drew nearer, my heartbeat raced. Oleg taps my shoulder and hands me a tissue. I wipe my eyes and shove it in my pocket.

“Hi,” she says, I take her hand in mine, “Tsvetok3.” I am dying to kiss her. I think she can feel it because she shakes her head and says “Net4 not yet moya lev5.” We turn to face Father in front of the doors.

Father Ireni proceeds with the betrothal ceremony. He blesses our rings three times, saying the prayers, and then places each ring in our right hands. We turn to face each other and I slip her ring on her right ring finger and she does the same with mine. She looked up at me and exhaled a deep breath… I am trying to keep breathing because at that moment I don’t think I took a single breath.

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