Page 54 of The Dom

We weren’t getting anywhere, and I couldn’t lay the blame for that totally at his feet. I’d made mistakes in the past, and I understood why he was bringing them up, even if I wanted to remind him that we’d been at a different place when that’d happened. Maybe that was the problem. I thought we were in a different place now while he thought we were still in the same.

I leaned forward and knocked on the divider that, thankfully, kept Angus from hearing what we’d been talking about.

“What are you doing?”

I ignored Nate as the divider came down an inch. “Drop me off at my place.”

“No, we’re going home.”

I shot him a glare. “Angus, please take me home before you drop Nate off at his place, and I’ll remind Nate that taking me somewhere against my will is kidnapping.”

The divider went back up without a word, but I’d seen Angus nod at me.

“What the hell?” Nate asked as I sat back in my seat. “We had a weekend planned.”

“You’re right,” I said. “We did, but I don’t really feel like spending the weekend with you would be the best thing for me right now.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

I sighed. “Spending the weekend with you isn’t the healthiest thing for me because we’re clearly not on the same page. So, here’s what’s going to happen. I’m going home and going to sleep. Tomorrow, I’m going to spend some time with my mom, and you should probably think about what it is you want from this relationship. It wouldn’t hurt to figure out some specifics of what that looks like too. On Sunday, I have brunch with my mom, so if you’ve had enough time to figure things out, you can call me sometime after one or two.”

“You can’t just unilaterally decide that.”

My voice was so cold I could barely recognize it. “Fine. Don’t think about what you want or how you want to get there. Do whatever you want. But I’m going to do what I just said I would do because I can ‘just unilaterally decide’ what I want to do with my own life. If you don’t want to be a part of that, it’s your choice.”

“Ashlee…”

I held up a hand. “I’m not in the mood for your alpha male bullshit. And, honestly, I don’t want an apology either, though I doubt that’s what you were going to do. If you insist on talking, I’ll have Angus pull over right now, and I’ll walk the rest of the way to my apartment. Got it?”

He nodded, and I dropped my hand, suddenly weary in a way that had little to do with sleep. I’d heard dozens of times that little worth having came easily, whether in profession or romance, but none of those little nuggets of made this any less difficult.

I was willing to put the work in, but I wasn’t going to do it alone. If he thought it was too much effort to communicate, to be vulnerable, then I had to wonder what he thought we were doing.

When Angus pulled over in front of my building, I got out without waiting for either man to open the door. The wind whipped my dress around my legs, and I hurried inside, grateful to have a legitimate excuse not to have heard anything Nate might’ve called after me. And just as grateful to not know if he hadn’t said a word.

I kicked off my shoes as soon as I stepped inside my apartment, then stripped off my clothes as I walked. It didn’t matter that I was leaving them on the floor. No one but me would be in here tonight. I’d pick them up in the morning.

Less than ten minutes later, I was sinking into bathwater hot enough to turn my skin pink. Not wanting the hassle of washing and drying my hair, I’d left it pinned up, needing the relaxation of a bath more than I needed to shampoo my hair. It felt like every muscle in my body was tense, and I knew I’d never get to sleep like that.

I closed my eyes and concentrated on relaxing each muscle individually. First, my jaw. Unclenching was harder than it should have been. Then my neck. Shoulders. Arms. Torso. Hands. Each time, I visualized the muscles bunching then releasing. When I finally reached my toes, I breathed out a long, steady breath and then took inventory. I wasn’t as physically tense as I had been before, but the knot in my chest hadn’t eased at all.

I couldn’t regret the things I’d done to get me to this place because they’d led to me having a relationship with the wonderful man who’d helped bring me into existence. I couldn’t even regret my time with Nate, as frustrating as it’d been, because of how much he’d opened up my world. If this was all there was and all there’d ever be, I could be thankful for it. I didn’t want it to be over already, but I couldn’t let things continue on if we wanted different futures. We both deserved more than that, no matter how much I wanted to throttle him right now.

Maybe it was better this way. The physical attraction would’ve eventually brought us together and the inevitable fall-out could have been much worse. Now, at least I felt like I’d tried to have something more.

If I would’ve walked away after our first night together, I would’ve always wondered what could have been. But we hadn’t been together too long either. I wouldn’t feel like I’d wasted time trying to make things work.

I hated that I was trying to convince myself that everything was playing out in the best way possible, but the alternative was worse. Picturing the way life could be if we worked things out. Seeing a future where my crazy family and his different-but-still-crazy family came together for holidays. A world where I finally had the extended family I’d always wanted.

No, better to face the most likely outcome head on.

Unfortunately, that particular brand of logic did absolutely nothing to help me get to sleep.

Thirty-Five

Nate

I spent yesterday working out in an effort to clear my head so I could figure out how to handle this thing with Ashlee, but I didn’t wake up with any more clarity this morning than I’d had yesterday. I’d slept like shit both nights too, so I wasn’t in the best place right now.

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