Page 58 of False Idols

“H-hi, Dean,” I stammer and try to wiggle out of his hold, but he’s too big and strong. Plus, anytime I shift away, he just holds me tighter. “How are you?” I ask when I finally manage to get my feet back on the floor. I take a quick step away from him and give him a tight smile. The plus side of Dean being here is that it’s one more person and that might make Jordan back off long enough for Beau to be appeased that I made an appearance. A group is useful right now with trying to stay alive, so I don’t let on that I don’t want Dean touching me when he slings an arm around my shoulder and pulls me back against him.

Dean beams at us. “I’m great now that my favorite ladies are here.”

Sunny shoves a refill of my mystery shot in my hand and smiles at Dean. “Aw, that’s sweet. You want a shot?”

“I’m not a shot kinda guy. I’ve got this,” he says, raising a beer to us. “You two take the shots though.”

“Done and done!” Sunny salutes him and turns to face me. “Come on, bottoms up, Nev!” I don’t want to, but I take the shot. I don’t want to disappoint Sunny. “That’s so good! Isn’t it so good?” she asks and I nod because honestly, maybe she’s right. The second shot didn’t seem so bad compared to the first one I had. My throat definitely burned a little less that time.

“You think they got any mixers around here? I want a cocktail.” Sunny looks around the crowded kitchen and starts to grab bottles out of the large plastic bowls that are filled with ice sitting on the counter in front of us. “You want a Cosmo or something?” She asks me.

“No, I’m good.” I tell her. Thankfully, she doesn’t press and starts making her own drink. It’s a blessing and a curse that she doesn’t ask me to have a cocktail, because I don’t know how to say no. But it also means that now I’m kind of alone with Dean.

“How are you?” I ask him, because I can’t think of anything else to say while I’m craning my neck, making sure that Jordan isn’t going to come around the corner and grab me. God, I wish Beau was here. Where is he? If he was here then I would feel safe and-I bite my tongue and cut the thought off. Beau isn’t afraid to hurt me. The only difference between him and Jordan is that he likes it when I fight back. That doesn’t mean that he won’t hurt me to get what he wants from me. I just wish he would tell me what he wanted. If he did, I would give it to him. We both know I would.

“Hey, uh, hello?” Dean snaps a finger in front of me and I blink in surprise. “You okay or did those drinks go straight to your head?”

Annoyance wells up in my chest at Dean. I don’t miss the accusing tone in his voice. After a lifetime of church, I know exactly what reproach and disapproval sounds like.

“We’re at a party,” I snap and point at Dean’s drink, “and that’s a beer if I’m not mistaken, so maybe knock it off.”

Dean’s eyes go wide and he takes a step back like I slapped him. Even though it felt good to tell him what I thought, regret fills me instantly.

“It was just a joke,” he says quickly while I rush to apologize.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what got into me. I didn’t mean-I mean, I know it was a joke.” I give him a weak smile and because I’m an idiot, I do the thing I shouldn’t and ask him to dance. “You want to dance? I’m really sorry I said that. I’m just stressed, you know?”

Dean brightens when I ask him to dance and I know he’s over it when he grabs my hand and starts to take me to the living room. “Wait, I have to tell Sunny where I’m going,” I tell him and turn back to the counter. The second I do, I see Sunny grinning at me and giving me a thumbs up.

“Get it, girl! I love it, I love it, I love it!”

I flush hot from her cheers and swat at her. “Knock it off. People are looking.”

“Good, maybe then they can see you’re a fucking normal girl at a party and not some fucking villain.”

“It would be nice,” I agree but sigh. “It’s going to take time, Sunny. You know that.”

“Here,” she pauses, grabs the bottle of red liquor we were drinking earlier and pours it into a cup, “drink this. You look so nervous about going out there to dance. No one is gonna mess with you, okay?”

She thinks I’m nervous about someone starting shit and that’s true enough. I am. I’m more nervous about Dean, though. Jordan I would know how to handle. I’d run or I don’t know, scream. I’d fight him. Dean isn’t that black and white. He’s my friend and he’s a nice guy. He hasn’t done anything to make me nervous at all. So why do I want to scream every time he touches me? Probably because I’m fucked up and think the only thing I deserve is brutality and pain. Probably because I don’t think I’m worthy of the kind of guy that wants a white picket fence, perfect house and a couple of nice kids. A quiet life.

I want that. No, I wanted that. I wanted that before The Reaper marked me and made me whatever the fucking kind of girl is that wants what Beau has been doing to me. I don’t want perfect. I don’t want a white picket fence. All I want is Beau.

I take the shot from Sunny and down it in one swig. It doesn’t burn going down this time, but it does warm my belly and I feel my limbs start to loosen. My shoulders drop and I let out the breath I’d been holding so tight my abs hurt.

“Thanks, I-I needed that,” I tell her and take in a deep breath before I let it out. “I’m good now. Promise. I’m going to go dance but I’ll be right back.” Sunny waves me off with a thumbs up and when I head back into the living room where Dean is she’s already offering to make everyone else in the kitchen a drink.

The living room is dim with purple LED lights along the top of the walls. Someone shoved the furniture off to one side, but there’s still enough seating with all of the couches and chairs facing the dance floor. I’m grateful that whatever playlist is coming in through the speakers around the room is fast. All around me people are dancing and swaying, some of them have their eyes closed and others have drinks above their heads while they shout out lyrics and jump with their friends. Everyone is having so much fun. Maybe it’s the alcohol warming my belly, but I want to have fun too. I want to be just a normal college kid and I’m so tired of pretending that everything is fine when it’s not. My thoughts start to come faster and faster and it’s not the party or the dancers around me that I’m seeing.

It’s my thoughts. It’s the ghosts and memory of that night so long ago. It’s Carrie’s screams and the way she would look at me in my dreams. It’s her murderer on the loose. It’s the boy I loved not being quite right. He’s wrong, dark, and twisted. He’s a monster. But even with knowing that, I still love him. I still want him.

Someone bumps into my shoulder and I jump. The thoughts scatter and vanish around me like morning mist on the prairie and I blink. Nothing changed. Everyone is still happy and laughing, dancing and carefree. The music rolls over me when the song switches and it changes into something I would hear in one of those clubs in an action movie. That fast pace means I’ll be able to get out of a lot of contact with Dean, but I’m also a little less worried about dancing with him with the alcohol warming my belly and making my head feel light. Maybe dancing with Dean won’t be so bad. He’s fun, right? I think he’s fun. I don’t really know, but I’m all smiles when I walk up to him.

“Hey!” I yell and wave at him, but when I get close I see Dean isn’t smiling so much anymore. He’s looking around with a frown on his face. “What is it?” I ask him and look around the room too. I’m not sure what he’s looking for but I immediately start to look for Jordan. Maybe someone tried to start something while I was in the kitchen with Sunny.

Dean leans in close with a hand coming to the small of my back when I try to take a step away from him and shouts in my ear. “The music is too fast. What is this?”

“The music is fine!” I insist with a smile up at him while I shimmy out of his hold and start to sway with the rest of the crowd. Dean doesn’t move to dance, so I grab his arms and move them side-to-side. “Come on! You wanted to dance. Dance with me!” Dean looks like he’s going to tell me no, but then a second later the music switches.

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