Page 21 of I see you Beauty

My eyes widen because it’s obvious what happened, and I can’t talk my way out of it even if I wanted to. My only advantage is that we’re in the second row of lockers, so she can’t spot us immediately from the door. She won’t be able to see us until she takes a few more steps.

Ezra casts a glance over his shoulder, then looks at me again.

“I wish you all the best, Mrs. Shepherd,” he whispers, breaking my heart.

I want to stop and ask him to stay with me, but I can’t. He knows it, and I know it. He turns away from me and exits the changing room through a second door leading to the toilets. Then, he goes through another door back into the corridor. With my heart pounding, I stand rooted to the spot, not knowing what to say or think. My thoughts are all swirling around, and I can’t grasp any of them.

“Cora, is everything okay?” Kelly comes up to me and looks at me with her blue eyes, concerned.

No, nothing is okay…

Chapter Fourteen

I’m angry, Beauty.

I’m angry at you and your decision because it’s the wrong one. Angry at me and my rash actions because I pushed you too hard. But I want you so much! And I’m angry at the world and its stupid rules.

Fuck!

This rage, which I never wanted to consume me again, crawls through my body like a disgusting parasite. Eating me up from the inside, and I’m powerless. So fucking powerless! After what happened back then, I swore to myself that I would never lose control like that again.

As I step into the corridor outside the changing rooms, I stop, close my eyes briefly, and run my hands through my short hair. I give it a gentle tug and try to banish the images infiltrating my mind.

After a moment, when I have collected myself a little, I run my hands over my face and open my eyes. Then I see it, the blood. It’s everywhere. My breathing is heavy because I know that this is only happening in my sick head. There’s no blood on my hands, and yet it’s there. Forever. I can’t wash it off. I can’t undo what I have done.

The images and memories flood my mind and almost make me lose my goddamn mind. So I storm down the stairs, walk through the club, ignore everyone who speaks to me, and when I reach the punching bag, I beat the cold leather like a madman, which is precisely what I am. A lunatic, and I am so unspeakably angry, Beauty…

Chapter Fifteen

For the rest of the day, I’m in a trance. Like a veil separating me from the real world because everything that happened today couldn’t possibly be real. We kissed…

And it felt so incredibly good. So enticing and… I can’t even really describe what it felt like to feel his soft lips on mine.

“I wish you all the best, Mrs. Shepherd,” Ezra’s words flash through my mind again, and a sharp pain instantly jolts me.

I know I did the right thing, but why does the right thing feel so unspeakably bad? Why does it eat me alive when it was the right thing to do? God damn it! I don’t want to feel like this! I DON’T want to feel like this!

Right after Ezra left the locker room, I drove Kelly home. I didn’t tell her anything, at least not what was going on with me; I just told her that things were a bit rough at home again, which isn’t a lie.

A couple of months ago, she offered me a place to stay if Thomas got violent again. I declined with thanks because I was sure it was a hiccup.

Thomas will never touch me again like he did months ago. Never again will he beat me up, and never again will I hide my countless bruises under oversized sunglasses, makeup, and a ridiculously large hat.

When I got home, I hid away after showering. I don’t want to see anyone.

I sent Thomas a quick message saying that I wasn’t feeling very well and that he could go out for a meal with his friends so that I could relax and not have to cook for him. When I reread it, I noticed the biting undertone, but the message had already been sent.

Annoyed and frustrated, I throw the phone onto the windowsill, but of course, it falls to the floor, and I have to get up from the bed and pick it up. Once there, I look out the window for a moment. But Ezra’s house is once again wholly dark. He’s not at home, and I immediately feel even worse.

I saw the look in his eyes when he said goodbye, and I could tell I hurt him. I’m not sure what to make of it. Neither of us should be feeling these emotions, especially since we hardly know each other. Still, I don’t feel right about having offended him like that.

I shake my head quickly and try to ban him from my thoughts. I made up my mind, and Ezra expressed the consequence that we both needed. Still, I can’t ignore the hurt, which feels like a stabbing pain in my chest.

I decide to go to bed to put this day behind me. To forget everything that has happened recently, at least everything that has to do with Ezra. From now on, I will concentrate entirely on my family.

I will keep quiet over the next few days and hide in bed. This works well since Thomas has given me a few days off, and I can confidently ignore Kelly’s calls. I’ve also canceled June’s visit for this weekend. She sounded relieved on the phone, but probably only because she could now avoid talking to her father for another week.

I don’t want to see anyone, especially not Ezra. But after nearly a week, I admit that my plan isn’t working. Nothing changes as I pull the covers over my head and wish myself into another world. I need to take control of my own happiness, and that’s exactly what I intend to do today.

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