Page 26 of I see you Beauty

“Nothing happened, Beauty. You did nothing wrong,” he tries to cheer me up, but my guilty conscience threatens to suffocate me.

I feel so bad because even though Ezra and I didn’t have sex, I had an orgasm through a man other than my husband. TWICE!

Because even the revelation that I wasn’t imagining it in my backyard the other night is the next painful slap in the face I must deal with. I hoped that if I was imagining it, it was all in my head because then it wouldn’t have been cheating. My throat tightens, and I threaten to choke because all of this is just too much.

“This…” I begin in a brittle voice. “This never happened!” I push past him and hurry out of the shed.

I must get out of here because everything in here smells of sex and betrayal. I can’t deal with it, and I don’t want to because I’m still married and it can’t happen again. Never.

I run into my house, close the patio door, and stop to look behind me again for reasons I don’t understand. And I immediately regret it because Ezra is standing at the back of my garden with his head tilted back, looking straight at me. It’s as if I’ve locked him out. There is no better way to describe this situation, and this realization breaks my heart.

I feel torn as he turns away and again jumps over the fence with an impressive leap and out of my life. At least, that’s how it feels at that moment.

Chapter Eighteen

Your taste and beauty drive me crazy.

Even in the garden, when you got drunk alone under your pavilion… I just had to taste you. Fuck you with my tongue and my fingers and make you moan. God, and how heavenly you moan…

I want you, Beauty! But you’re not ready yet. You showed me that again. I must be patient with you and respect your boundaries if I want to reach my goal—because my goal is you.

Experience has shown that my impatience and stubbornness only backfire. I’m doing better now. Proceed more carefully. This time, I won’t hurt anyone. No one will die this time. I promise, Beauty…

Chapter Nineteen

“Mom, can I help you?” June asks me, snapping me out of my wild thoughts.

Of course, they were all about Ezra again. Since yesterday, all my thoughts have been about Ezra and what we have done. My guilt is almost killing me. I feel so awful, like I’m the worst person in the world. I cheated on my husband. That doesn’t suit me at all. Above all, I feel like the biggest hypocrite because I once gave Thomas an ultimatum to choose between his affairs and me. And now, I'm no better than he was. In fact, I might be worse because he doesn't even know about it.

“Mom?”

Startled, I turn to June. I’ve completely zoned out again due to all the confusion in my head.

“No, it’s fine. Sit down, dear,” I say with a friendly smile, and I put the steaks in the pan.

She nods and sits at the kitchen island, watching me prepare the meal. She’s nervously playing with her fingers, which is unlike her.

“What’s wrong?” I ask her because it’s clear something is bothering her.

June sighs loudly and looks up at me sadly.

“Mom, I can’t go on like this,” she whispers, glancing over her shoulder to ensure her father isn’t suddenly standing behind her.

But he’s not home yet and will probably only come in when it’s time for dinner, just like he has the past few days. Thomas has a lot on his mind at the moment.

"I know, dear. But you don’t have to tell me; you must tell your father. If it were up to me, I’d want you to be happy and to do something that fulfills you."

I give her a tentative but sincere smile because I mean what I say. It's not important to me that my daughter becomes a star lawyer and earns tons of money. Money and fame alone don't bring happiness. June should pursue what she enjoys and loves, not what she's forced to do. It's understandable that, despite her cleverness, she fails one exam after another because she doesn't put her heart and soul into it.

“But Dad won’t understand,” June objects angrily.

I nod in dismay and flip the meat in the meantime. Because today, everything must go smoothly. Not like last time. My thoughts want to drift off again, but I forcefully keep them with my daughter. I can’t always think about Ezra, especially not when June is hurting, and I must get him out of my head. I can’t be attracted to him; even more so, I can’t miss his touch and closeness. Dammit!

I want to scream and rage. I want to destroy everything around me and lash out wildly because I feel like I’ve been torn apart. Another man can’t be allowed to make me feel this way.

“We’ll talk to your father and explain it to him together. And then we’ll see,” I suggest, nodding toward the cupboard for her to set the table.

She shakes her head with a weak smile before sliding off the stool and complying with my silent request. She hands me the plates from the cupboard and sets the dining table.

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