Page 55 of I see you Beauty

“Leave it. Kelly, I’ve really fucked up,” I whisper and look around in panic.

Kelly puts down the jug of fresh milk and looks at me in surprise. Maybe she thought I was kidding, after all, I could hardly believe that I went through it with Ezra yesterday. She looked at me like I was an alien.

“Did you really do it?” she asks me excitedly, her eyes sparkling again.

“It’s not something that should make you gleam like that. I did something terrible,” I reprimand her sternly and let myself fall back into the wicker chair with a sigh.

“You’re right—you’re going to hell, you naughty girl. But now spit it out and tell me what the hot neighbor was like, damn it!” she urges me excitedly to speak.

I can feel my cheeks burning again. God knows I’m not a prude or shy, but I can’t explain what Ezra did to me yesterday—I’m not like Kelly. I bite my lower lip, trying to avoid her gaze as I pour milk into my coffee.

“That good?” Kelly whispers in awe, waiting spellbound for my detailed report, which she definitely won’t get.

“More than that, and that’s the problem,” I sigh.

“You’ve tasted the forbidden fruit, and now you don’t want to give it up, do you? Understandable because he’s a real treat,” she gushes about Ezra as if she doesn’t see the problem with all this mess.

“I’m married, Kelly!” I hiss.

“Yeah, that’s right. Just like Thomas was when he cheated on you—how many times? Five, ten, twenty? Cora, I’m not telling you to leave your husband because you’re far too decent for that, and you’d never do it because of June, which is perfectly okay. You don’t want to take away your daughter’s happy family and allow her to continue studying. I understand that. But you’ve been given a gift, darling. You know it won’t last forever. So have some fun with him, and then focus on your husband again when it’s over. You’ll feel better because, on the one hand, you’ll get back at him, and, on the other, it’s nice that you’re doing something just for yourself.”

“That’s your version of doing something for myself? Couldn’t you have pushed me to find a new hobby or something?” I ask her incredulously.

Kelly shrugs her shoulders with a grin, which makes me grin, too. Crazy girl…

“So I’m supposed to lie and cheat on my husband, and then what? I’ll be no better than him, and my marriage is truly over.” I try to talk myself out of it, which would be my best friend’s job—thanks for that…

“You’re better than him, Cora. If only because you care. How do you know he’ll still be faithful to you? Why should you always have to give up everything and take the beating? And yes—I mean it exactly as I said it. I’m your best friend, and I’ll say the ugly things to your face. It’s not right to cheat on your husband. But it’s also not right to give up everything for him and always come away empty-handed.”

How could I be angry with her when she is the only one in my life who tells me the truth, not to hurt me, but so that I can reflect on myself and find the right path—my path?

“Thomas wants to have dinner with me tonight… and yesterday… He was angry with me because I hadn’t been in touch and haven’t been myself lately. I’m so confused and don’t know what to do.”

I pull my hair and look at her in despair.

“Doesn’t he have a better grip on himself by now? At least I thought so,” she asked, questioning what I’d said, and I could hear the disapproval.

“He has. He… didn’t touch me; he raised his voice a little… I’m not making it easy for him right now, Kelly,” I try to excuse my husband’s behavior, as I have done for so many years.

It’s almost like an automatism. I hardly notice when it happens. But Kelly’s eye roll and snide snort make it abundantly clear that I’ve done it again.

“Then you’ve already got your answer, sweetheart. So why are you still trying to talk yourself out of it? You want to save your marriage and defend your husband—that pig—as usual? Then, end things with the sexy neighbor—end of story. Thomas never has to know, and you’ll ride off into the sunset together again after a little detour,” Kelly replies with a shrug, but I can still hear the sour undertone in her every word.

Once again, I avoid her gaze. Yes, it could be so damn easy. It could be a one-off slip-up, and my husband would never have to know about it because he wasn’t infallible in our marriage either. I could chalk it up to a tiny bump on our long journey together and never have to think about it again. Yes, it could be that simple…

“Cora,” Kelly’s reprimanding voice rings out, but I avoid her gaze. “Cora, don’t tell me you’ve got a crush on him?”

My head jerks up, and my cheeks burn as I shake my head vehemently.

“NO!” my far too high-pitched voice shrills, and I hear for myself how ridiculous I sound. “No. I… don’t know. I don’t even know him. We haven’t had a proper conversation yet. He’s just… He sees me, Kelly. I’m not a ghost to him, and I’m not something he takes for granted. I know I shouldn’t be so attracted to him and that this behavior is not like me at all. But… he makes me feel good. I feel like I’m seventeen again and still have my life ahead of me. I love my daughter and my husband… but… sometimes, I wish I could have taken more control if I had fought more for what I wanted. Ezra gives me this feeling that everything happens on my terms. That’s… nice. It’s what I need right now, even though I know how wrong it is. I want to work on my marriage. I want to make love to my husband. But I also want to keep feeling the way I do with Ezra. At least for a little while,” I confess my feelings to her.

Kelly leans forward, grabs my hand, squeezes it once, and smiles gently at me.

“Then you should do what makes you happy. You deserve to be happy, sweetie. And if you need help, I’ll always cover for you. You’re allowed to make a mistake once in a while, Cora. Life is too short to always do the right thing.”

She gives my hand another firm squeeze and smiles encouragingly at me. I nod gently. I don’t know whether I should really feel better now or whether her words are making the spinning top in my head spin even faster. But at least I don’t feel quite so bad anymore. Maybe it’s okay to indulge in one mistake in an otherwise perfect life.

“I’m heading to the bathroom real quick, and then I’m going to get us some champagne, and we’re going to have a fantastic time today. All right?” Kelly asks me as she stands up and grins goofily at me.

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