Page 28 of Awakened By Love

But she won’t let me go. She clings to my arm and gently pulls me into the living room where she has me sit on her loveseat.

“Talk to me,” she says. “Don’t run.”

“I–this doesn’t feel right. I shouldn’t with you.”

“Why? Tell me why?” she begs.

“I can’t explain it. It just feels wrong.”

The hurt in her eyes tells me that I’m an asshole.

“Olivia, it’s not you. I know, it’s dumb, but it’s true. I have some shit in my head that won’t let me think straight. I would love to make love to you, but it has to be right, or it’ll be wrong. I don’t want to hurt you. Please be patient with me.”

She reaches up and strokes my face, running her delicate fingers down my jawline. “I’ll wait, but don’t make it too long.”

“Just give me some time. I want you more than you know.”

I gently kiss her lips and then bury my head in her neck, inhaling her sweet scent. I want to scoop her up in my arms and take her to bed, but it would be a disaster. My guilt would prevent me from worshipping her body the way it should be.

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” she speaks up, pulling away slightly. “Sleep well, Lucian.”

“Thank you, Olivia. You deserve the best, and I want to be at my best to give it to you. Do you understand?”

“Yes, I do.”

We rise and walk to the door. I kiss the top of her head and hug her once more; then I’m gone. The now cool air washes over my body. I’m heated and horny, so the uncomfortable walk does nothing to quell my passion. When I get up to my loft, I know what I need to do. I undress down to my boxers and put one hand against the wall, so I’m over the toilet before stroking my erection until I climax.

Feeling high, I’m not sure if I should feel any guilt for what I’ve just done, but I don’t. Cassie wanted me to be happy, right? After I clean up and get into bed, my night is filled with dreams of her. In sharp clarity, my subconscious pulls up one of the last conversations we had before she died.

“Lucian, I don’t want you to be alone after I’m gone.”

“You can’t ask me to do that,” I argue. “I love you.”

“I can, and I am. You’re still young. Find someone that will love you like I do.”

“No one will love me like you do. You’re my soul mate. How can I go on without you?” Tears welled up in my eyes, and I turned to look out the window so she couldn’t see.

“Don’t be silly,” she chastises weakly. “You have so much life to live, Luc. I know what you have to offer someone because you’ve given me so much during our time together.”

“Cassie, you’re my forever even when you’re gone,” I insist. “No one else will be able to compare. How can they?”

When I turn back towards her, she’s unconscious, her hand resting on the button to the morphine pump.

Jarring awake, I try to get my bearings. It’s still dark out. Cassie was right; I don’t want to be alone. I’m only thirty-six and have so much life to live. But I couldn’t see how I could do it without soiling the memory of what I shared with her.

Unable to sleep, I toss and turn until the dawn starts rising on the horizon. I’m exhausted, but I know what I need to do. Something I should have done months ago. I need to talk to someone, or my relationship with Olivia will never happen. She said she would only wait for me so long.

Grabbing my phone, I type ‘bereavement groups’ into it to see what comes up. People that have been through what I have will understand. In midtown, I find a walk-in group that meets on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I used to think these sorts of things were only for those that were weak—those who couldn’t handle death. But in my heart, I know that’s me. I’m that one that can’t deal with Cassie’s death and move on to a healthy relationship. I need help.

I spend my weekend immersed in taking better care of my body and mind. I found a couple of DVDs that Noah had on yoga. I popped one into my laptop and followed along. I’ve never been a proponent of it, but after I take some time doing the exercises and meditating, I feel good.

Sunday, I do the same routine after I work out as usual. Upon finishing, I find a peace that I haven’t felt for a long time. After a refreshingly cold shower, I sit on the terrace, enjoying the sounds of the city while I read a book. I resist texting Olivia because I don’t want to lead her on until I’m ready to go all in. She deserves that, and I want to give it to her.

On Monday, I wake with anxiety. Again, I follow the same routine: work out, yoga, shower, dress, eat a bowl of oatmeal, and fill my travel mug for the trip to midtown. During it all, a part of me keeps hoping that I don’t see Olivia; and so I plan to stay in my office for the entire day. Zane is supposed to be out the whole day for meetings.

I quickly slip into my office unnoticed since it’s early, but by then, I’m out of coffee and want a refill. I debate taking the elevator to go to the café across the street. It will take me by the programming department which I want to avoid, but I decide that I’ll take my chances. As I’m walking down the hall, I hear yelling.

What the fuck is that?I rush over to the programming department and find Olivia and Henry sitting in Paul’s office, being browbeaten by the little prick. I burst through the door, and all three look at me, startled, but the fear on Olivia’s face is clear. Henry’s is passive, and Paul’s is bright red.

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