Page 77 of Catch a Wave

Mine. Something in my soul roars out the word.

I ignore the rush of thoughts about where this might lead. Instead, I place one more soft kiss on Mavs’ lips and then her forehead. And then I separate from her, because we are out here in public where anyone could see us. And we still haven’t decided what we’re doing. And Kai would probably kill me if he saw us together.

We may want one another with the same urgency and sense of belonging we always had, but we haven’t thought about what a relationship would really mean for us at this time—for her, especially. It would be so easy to slip back into this familiarity, the rush of our emotions, the tug of our chemistry. But I refuse to wreck Mavs’ life again—ever.

Once we’re back at the house, Mavs retreats to her bedroom and then I hear doors opening and shutting and the sound of the shower turning on. My mind is like a hamster on a wheel, only if that hamster decided he was going to try to run on the outside of the wheel and he ended up flying off the top and landing in a pinball machine during that last round when ten balls fire off and you can’t hit the buttons fast enough to fling those suckers at all the targets. Poor hamster.

I need to be on the water, which is crazy because I just came off the water. But I was teaching a lesson then. I desperatelyneed to find a night break and ride until my thoughts become dull murmurs instead of rapid pings.

I busy myself putting together a marinade of oil and balsamic with herbs and lime juice. Then I lay the salmon in a baking dish and pour the marinade over it. Food prep isn’t surfing, but it’s at least an outlet. I leave the fish in the fridge and go out back to light the grill. Shaka trails behind me. I’m putting my load of clothes into the laundry machine when Mavs comes into the garage.

“Are you okay?” She knows me too well.

Her face is etched with concern, but she’s not rattled. She looks like she just got a massage, or took a nap, whereas I probably look like I’m standing on thumbtacks while a rabid animal gnaws at my ankle and someone drops ice cubes down my back.

“I’m a crazy man, aren’t I? I blew it with you. You were everything to me, and I blew it. And then you showed up here, and all I could think about was how much we had, and how we’d lost it all because of me.”

“It wasn’t completely your choice, Bodhi. There were circumstances.” She doesn’t meet my eyes.

“Maybe not, but it feels like a better man would have found a way to make things work.”

She smiles softly “I’m probably not the person to tell you what you should or shouldn’t have done back then.”

“Yeah. You’re right. No matter how you slice it, I foolishly threw away what we had. It wrecked me even more to know I was hurting you.”

“That’s all in the past. We’re trying to move on. Or … I think we are. Am I wrong?”

“We are. And I should be … I don’t know what I should be. But confused isn’t one of the things topping that list. Why am I so confused? I should be stoked out of my mind.”

I look over at her. She’s got that peaceful, easy-going look on her face—the one she always had before life ripped us apart and tore our dreams to shreds.

“I am stoked. Don’t get me wrong.” I run a hand through my still damp hair. “Kissing you … I never thought I’d get to kiss you again. I just don’t want to mess this up. I meant what I said on the walk home. You need to heal. I need to stay out of your way. And I’d like it a whole lot if your brother didn’t kill me.”

“Forget him.”

“I can’t. He was there for me when everything went down. He stepped in, even though he knew I had hurt you. He’s my best friend. And I know you wouldn’t want me to just ignore his concerns or him.”

“Maybe not, but he’s always had too much say in our relationship. This is about us, Bodhi. Not him.”

“You’re probably right. Why aren’t you freaking out?” I lean back against the washing machine, studying her. As usual, I fight the urge to reach out and pull her toward me. You’d think a kiss would resolve all this tension and the need for such rigid boundaries between us. Instead, our kiss seems to have only amplified everything.

“Am I not freaking out? I’m a little freaked out.” She smiles like the most un-freaked out person I’ve ever seen. “But mostly, I’m buzzing with a sweet sort of anticipation. It feels like Christmas, when you’re sure your parents couldn’t afford the gift you really wanted. You stare at the box under the tree, hoping, but telling yourself not to hope, trying to talk yourself down from the possibility so you can accept whatever they actually gave you. More than anything, you want to show them you appreciate what they chose for you. Your fingers nearly tremble as you tug the ribbon and rip through the paper. A corner of the package shows underneath. Your heart rate kicks up. Are you really getting what you wanted more than anything in the world?When you tear through the rest of the paper and see that gift, you’re alight with joy and gratitude.”

She steps toward me, placing her hand gently on my jaw and staring up into my eyes. It’s not a romantic gesture. She’s grounding me, like I’m this live wire and she’s the completion to my circuit. A flicker of something passes across her expression, but then it’s gone and the sweet assurance is back in its place so quickly I wonder if I imagined it.

“Bodhi, up until today out in the water, I didn’t even know if you wanted anything but friendship with me. I had my suspicions. But I wouldn’t ask you. I couldn’t. If you rejected me, I didn’t think I could take it. Not now. Not after all we went through. Not with my future being so uncertain.”

She smiles up at me and I want to have my head examined. Why wouldn’t we just get back together? Nothing else makes sense but her. She’s everything.

“But when you kissed me, you said it all—all the thoughts and longings you hadn’t been expressing to me were in that kiss.”

Mavs’ eyes search mine. She steps in closer to me and stands between my legs while I lean back on the washing machine. She’s not hesitating, instead she’s backing up everything she said with an expression that looks like the Mavs I fell for years ago: so very free and yet, intently focused.

“Kiss me, Bodhi.” The words are a whisper.

She’s not asking. She’s inviting me to let go of every thought but her, of every path but the one that involves the two of us moving forward together. At least I think that’s what this is—an invitation for us to try to make a go at something romantic between us again. I hope I’m not misreading her.

I cup the back of Mavs’ neck with my hand and draw her toward me. She places her palm on my chest and dips near to brush her lips across mine. As soon as our mouths connect, all bets are off. I want her. She’s mine. She’s always been mine.And I’ve always belonged to her. Since the first day we flirted at Mavericks, no other woman could compete with her. I’ll do whatever it takes, face whatever obstacles, give her whatever space she needs.

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