Page 109 of Unstable

“You know he’s slowed down. Probably taking his time getting back from wherever he was sniffing around. I’ll go find him.”

“I’m coming with you.” I actually beat him out the door. “You take your truck, check all the barns. I’ll go on the Gator,” I yell, already climbing on, hand ready to turn the key.

He nods, so I fire it up and take off, knowing exactly where I’m headed first.

Again, I wouldn’t say I believe in anyone, let alone me, being psychic, but I drive straight to where I know I should, and find exactly what I knew I’d find.

My sweet, loyal Bourbon, already gone, having taken his last nap under “our” tree. The one I’d climb while he waited at the bottom. The one I got stuck in and he never left, standing guard until I was rescued. The one under which I will bury him.

The enormity of yet another loss hits me all at once and my whole body starts to shake, wracked by sudden, violent sobbing. I cry for another goodbye I didn’t get to say. I wail up at the sky for another loved one leaving while I wasn’t around to hold them, be by their side as they transitioned to somewhere bigger than this Earthly existence.

I spin around frantically, looking for something, anything, to kick, hit, or destroy. And just as I’m about to ram my fist into the tree trunk, I stop myself cold

I can’t punch “our tree.” It means too much—a blameless, beautiful piece of nature that holds so many memories I refuse to desecrate.

Bourbon would not like that.

And just as quickly as boiling anger raged up inside me, it burns out, leaving nothing but ashes of complete sorrow.

I suck up my tears, wipe my face and take several deep breaths. Feeling somewhat in control of my emotions, I sit down beside the body of my dog and slowly stroke his fur, letting the words leave my mouth with no concern on whether or not they even make sense.

“They say it always happens in threes. Well, I’ve now lost all three of you,” I croak out, letting more, now gentle, tears fall without shame. “But I know you’ll be okay, because I don’t believe the crap about separate Heavens for humans and animals. I mean, God made both and put them together for a reason. Why keep them apart for eternity? Wouldn’t make sense. No,” I wipe my nose on my sleeve, ‘cause I don’t have a Kleenex or a fuck to give at the moment, “I know you’re in the right Heaven, with them, Hadley and Mom. Go find ‘em boy, sniff ‘em out.”

And oddly, I feel a hint of a smile tug at the corner of my mouth, picturing that reunion.

“Probably wouldn’t have been fair to keep you all to myself I guess. It’s been a lot longer since Hadley’s seen you. She’ll be so happy. And now, you can all three look down together, laughing at me and cringing for me as I fumble my way through life down here, ‘til it’s my turn.”

“Oh baby, I’m so sorry.” Keaton sits beside me and wraps his arms around me. I’d heard him pull up but didn’t look, no need, he found his way over just fine.

“Yeah, me too.” I rest my head on his shoulder. “I’ll miss him so much. What a great dog he was.”

“The best,” he agrees.

We sit in silence for a long time, his arms staying tight around me—all I need from him. He doesn’t rush me or move an inch, even though I know the ground has to be getting uncomfortable.

After a while, Bourbon’s body starts to get stiff as I continue to pet him, and I know it’s time.

“Goodbye, Bourbon. I love you very much and will miss you every day. You were the best dog a girl could ask for, and I’ll never forget you. I’ll see you again one day, buddy.” I kiss my still trembling hand and place it on his head, then stand, taking one final moment to gather myself.

Keaton stands too and says his farewell to the dog he knew almost as well as I did, then turns to me. “What do you want me to do, baby? I could…” he pauses, “build him a nice box. Or we could take him to the vet and…”

“No, none of that. If you will, could you just bury him here, under the tree? Right in the ground, no box. I don’t want him caged in, want him one with the Earth. This land. I’ll make him a cross or something…” a sob catches in my throat, “to mark it. And let Bri and Mike know so they can handle it should Brooke stumble upon it. Also, tell them I’ll be coming to visit. Often.”

“Anything you want, I’ll take care of it.” He kisses my forehead.

“I’m gonna ride back home while you…uh…finish up here. Thank you.”

“Henny, are you gonna be okay? I could come with you and do this later, after you’re asleep or before you get around tomorrow. Don’t really want ya alone right now, baby.”

“I’ll be fine.” I muster up a weak smile. “It’d mean a lot if you’d do it now. Want him put to rest.”

“Hen…”

“I said, I’m fine,” I cut him off. “I’m all grown up now and knew it was coming,” I soften my voice. “I’ll see you in a bit?”

“Yeah,” he compromises in a concerned tone. “I’ll be right up. If you need anything though, call my cell. I mean it. And I love you.”

“I love you too. Bye, Bourbon,” I say one last time and turn to head home.

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