Page 64 of Love and Loathing

“Testing a theory,” he said. “But you’re probably right.”

She looked at him, her expression demanding more of an answer than that.

He gave a short, angry sigh. “If I took you to dinner… I’d probably order steak. I’d want to take you home to my house with its ridiculously overpriced leather sofa. I’d want to wake up beside you, but I’d want to drink coffee with real milk. I want to go to the job interview I have coming up and try my hardest to get the job, and if by some miracle I do, I want to go to it every morning without the guilt of the world on my shoulders. I wantto take you to work events and not worry that you’re going to throw a drink at my client, or my boss. I want tohaveyou on that leather sofa. I want you in my life. And my life doesn’t fit you.”

“Because I’m vegan?” she asked, incredulous. “I don’t expect everyone I spend time with to be like me. Hardly anyone is! And as for the job… You’ve left my dad’s company, you could choose to doanything, work for Roscoe—”

“He’s at least twelve months away from profitability.”

“Another place like it, then! You could work anywhere, you’re smart enough to do anything you want to.”

“It’s not that easy. I’ve spent ten years developing a highly specific skill set. There aren’t that many jobs available at my level. I have a mortgage. I’ll be thirty-five years old soon. I thought I’d be married by now. Have kids. Now I’m having to apply to jobs three rungs down the ladder from where I was, and it’s…difficult. I refuse to apologise for wanting to salvage the only career I’ve ever had.”

“I’m not asking you to!”

“But you’ll always judge me for it.”

“Is that what you think of me? That I’m so small-minded?”

He didn’t answer, but his dark eyes were very intense, as though he was looking through layers and layers—of her, of time, their past, their future.

“I think youwantme to sit there,” she said, “judging you for your steak. You want me to walk out in disgust. Because that’s easier for you, isn’t it? Easier than the thought of actually giving this a go, worrying that I’m going to break your heart like Liv did. It’s not like I haven’t been thinking about it, Aubrey—the way you just gave up when I found out it was you behind Domnall’s purchase of the garden. I’ve wasted so much time trying to figure out what the hell happened. At first I thought maybe it was because we’d already had sex, and that was all you wanted. ButI think the truth is that you were glad to put an end to it. That’s safer, isn’t it, than risking your heart?”

“Then why am I here now?”

“I don’t know. Why are you here, Aubrey? Why did you bother to come?”

“I think…” His voice was distant, as though talking to something inside of him. “It’s madness.”

“To try?”

“Madness that I can’t stop myself from wanting to.”

She let out a breath, not sure what she was feeling, only that it was strong, and it hurt. She turned blindly for her bike, propped against the wall by the door. But Aubrey gripped her arm.

“Will you forgive me for the garden?”

“Will you apologise for it?”

“I’d be lying if I did.”

She tried to pull away, close to tears. Aubrey kept his grip firm, but it didn’t hurt, she could have escaped if she tried harder.It’s madness…

“Evie,” he said, a note of urgency in his voice, “I’ll always be sorry if anything hurts you. I’m sorry you were sad. But I can’t apologise for doing my job.”

She tried to shrug his hand off again, but it was a weak movement, feeble tears swimming in her blood.

“Have dinner with me,” he repeated.

She gasped a laugh. “Youaremad.”

“Yes. When it comes to you…yes.”

TWENTY-SEVEN

Aubrey would have saidthis was not going to plan, but he’d never had a plan to begin with. Only a need to see Evie, the glimpse he’d had of her at Roscoe’s office pure torture. He’d been unable to resist torturing himself more.

He moved his hand down her arm, taking hold of her hand. She stood quite still except for a shaky breath, her eyes fixed on the ground, on a puddle of yesterday’s rain that was turning black and blue under the evening sky.

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