Page 106 of Unexpected Redemption

Shaking my hands free, I collapse into his chest and throw my arms around his torso. Shudders run through me with a jarring intensity. I’m powerless to stop them, completely unable to control the twitching.

“Can I pick you up?” he asks, voice low and supple like leather.

I nod three times. Or at least I think I do. “Y-y-yes,” I force out in case my movements aren’t aligned with my wishes.

As soon as he has my verbal consent, he scoops me up and lays me on the bed, immediately tossing the blanket over me and spooning me from behind. With one hand skimming my hip lovingly, he presses his chest to my back, letting his warmth seepinto my flesh. His other hand combs through my hair in soothing strokes.

I’m glad I didn’t let him do a chest harness like he normally would. That would have taken far too long to get out of. He was right to protest that.

Not that we needed it anyhow. It’s not like we were going for a full-body suspension, which we agreed wasn’t a good idea during pregnancy. This was just a little test that I’d convinced him to try. All I wanted was to be standing with my arms attached overhead. I picked the position because I figured it would be the furthest thing from how I woke up in that house. For the same reason, I kept my bra and panties on.

In retrospect, it was foolish of me to think that standing or having my legs and feet free would be less traumatic for me.

I can’t do it anymore.

No more comforting ropes holding me secure like a hug. No more escape to shut off my mind. No more pleasing him in this way, bonding with him through something so comforting for us both.

It’s gone. Taken from me.

Tears stream down my cheeks, falling onto my pillow.

For a long time, we stay in bed. He never stops whispering words of devotion. Never stops comforting me. Or touching me with hands that have never been raised at me in anger. Only love.

Once I’m all cried out and my wits return, I grab his hand from where it’s making soothing circles on my hip and bring it to my lips. I kiss his knuckles, same as he’s done to mine so many times. “I’m sorry, babe.”

“You have nothing to apologize for, sugar. I’m the one who’s sorry. I shouldn’t have agreed to it.”

“Of course you should have. What type of partner would you be if you didn’t listen to my words? You did everything I asked.I needed to know if I could do it.” My chin wobbles as I release a lingering sob. “And now we know I can’t.”

He grabs a cup of ice water from the bedside table and offers it to me. “Here, sweetness. Drink up.”

As I gulp it eagerly and let the cold liquid coat my hoarse vocal cords, he flays me with a mournful expression. Every inch of his face is pulled down. It’s as if he’s burdened by more gravity than everyone else.

“Lettie, I never know the right call for things like this. I’m sorry I’m not better at that. Especially now when I need to be.”

Pulling the cup away from my mouth, I suck in a raspy breath to refill my lungs. “What do you mean?”

“Normally, when I think you can’t do something or it wouldn’t be a good idea, you prove me wrong. You’re constantly surprising me. I’ve learned to trust your judgment. Tonight, this still felt wrong, but I convinced myself that you wouldn’t ask if you didn’t think you could handle it. Now, I’m wondering if I fucked that up.”

I pass him the water to free up my hands. While he sets it down, I square my body with his. “Tomer, listen to me. I promise you did exactly the right thing. This was all on me. And I’m so damn sorry I can’t give you...” Tears overtake me again.

He tries to hug me, but we’re in an awkward position for this, so he runs his hands along my outer arms. “What are you apologizing for? And what do you mean you can’t give me something?” He kisses my forehead, thentugs my upper body so I’m lying on my side, facing him.“You’re perfect, Lettie. You give me everything just by breathing the same air as me.”

Unable to censor my words, my fears come gushing out. “I don’t think you’ll ever be able to tie me up again. I can’t imagine ever tolerating it. I’ll certainly never love it like I used to.”

“Then we don’t do that anymore. It changes nothing between us. Where is this coming from, sugar bear?”

“Because you need it. And I can’t give it to you,” I blurt out.

His face falls, but not with sadness. It’s more like shock or disgust.

“I’m sorry. I’ll keep trying,” I blubber through renewing tears.

“Stop it. No, you won’t. And that’s fine. Who the hell said I needed it?”

I press my finger to his lips to halt his objections. “You don’t have to say it for it to be true. I know bondage is something you need.”

He mumbles around my finger. “But it’snottrue.”

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