Page 101 of Rum Sips and Salty Lips

“I just fucking—” No feelings involved, my ass. I’m cut loose from my tether, adrift to the winds and the tide. She’s scared. Scared of everyone’s reactions and that I’ll hurt her. I’ve known that from the beginning. I’ve always known it would be worth it to jump with her. And we could get through this if she let her guard down a little bit more. She’s so close but she’s ebbing instead of surging forward. But I can’t argue. I can’t bait. I can’t devil’s advocate my way out of this. I can’t make a wall move. “Fine. If that’s what you really think is happening here, I’ll leave. But don’t expect me to come back to you. This is on you.”

I want to kiss her one last time, because she’ll never admit she’s wrong. I want to prove to her this is real. That what we have is lasting.

But I don’t get the chance, because she’s looking at me like she doesn’t care at all.

thirty-nine

CARINA

I thoughtmy world would end with the fabrics scandal. But then I saw how it is possible for wounded things to carry on. Nebula Athletics has a future. There is so much more for me to do and grow with it.

Orion and I have no future. It was always going to end. I needed to do it on my terms.

I knew exactly what I was doing yesterday. I saw what happened with Sienna and Beckett. Time was also running out for Orion and me. So, I took the things most sacred to us and lit them on fire. There is no saving us.

I burned it down. The taunting that made me feel seen. The jokes that made me safe. The sex that was the best of my life.

It’s gone.

He saw right through me even at my worst. But even he can’t right this ship.

I believe he thinks he loves me, but I can’t wait for him to figure out what that means to him. For him to realize we’re thesame as every other relationship he’s had—that sometimes love isn’t enough.

It’s over, and I question if I did the right thing. I could have held on longer. Nothing could hurt worse than this. Holding on longer would have given me more time with him. I’d be left with the pain, but I could have had more joy.

At least now no one knows. And no one will. The next few days are about Sienna and her breakup.

What kind of friend would I be if I brought up my own?

I feel hollowwhen I pick up Sienna from the airport in Sarasota. Haley and I didn’t know what to expect—if she’d be sad or mad—but she hugs us both tight at baggage claim. I can’t remember her ever hugging me before. At least not since college. Her long brown hair is disheveled and there are heavy bags under her eyes.

“That fucking bastard,” she spits.

“I know,” I say. “Fuck him.”

On the car ride back, she lists the signs she should’ve seen and every excuse she believed. “I didn’t think marriage would change him, you know? But I thought we were on the same page. And he fucking knows how much I hate my dad for what he did to my mom.”

Haley and I agree and nod and add in “fuck him” when appropriate. We never thought there was anything ever fundamentally wrong with their relationship, but we did want more for her, someone who would give her the attention she deserves. But this isn’t the time to tell her.

We spend the afternoon sorting through the vendors, canceling. We explain the situation, but most deposits arenonrefundable. I run errands, which is a mistake. I don’t want time alone in the car. I play a podcast to distract me.

I was reeling yesterday. The chaos at Paradise had been my worst fears come to life. I replayed my parents’ divorce in my head. The whispers I heard from my friends’ parents when they thought I couldn’t hear. Every time I doubt what I did, I remember why.

It was always better to fail in private than in public.

I don’t hold any of this against Sienna. She’s blameless in this. No one thinks it’s her fault Beckett strayed. Orion isn’t malicious the way we’ve learned Beckett is. But I would be held to a higher standard than Sienna. It would be my fault when he left.

I had to get out of the relationship before he left me. It was always ending, and I needed to do it on my terms. Before anyone found out about us. I thought I could save myself the public humiliation and the private pain.

But the private pain lingers.

No, it’s better this way. His love will burn out and fade. I desperately wanted to backtrack when he said it. I wanted to throw caution to the wind and leap into his arms. But it was too late. Love has never been anything but temporary.

And I’ve fallen in love with him. I fight back tears every time I accidentally let the thought cross my mind. I will hold on to this forever.

I thought about saying it when we were at the table at Paradise yesterday, the two of us. It wasn’t the post-sex haze. I reach for him every morning even when he’s not there. I worry about him when he’s out on the boat. I can’t imagine a day without seeing him smile.

I have to tell myself this pain is temporary, even if I don’t believe it yet.

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