Page 109 of Rum Sips and Salty Lips

forty-three

CARINA

I’ve always lovedthe water during storms. I’ve been through enough to know which ones to be concerned about.

This one won’t be a big deal. Not for us, at least.

I’ve done my storm prep. My house is secure. Sienna left for her mom’s place in Sarasota, and Haley is with her parents on the mainland. Both offered for me to join them, but I couldn’t.

I’ve been surrounded by people for days. I need some time in my own head.

I reached for Orion so often since I saw him last. I pretended he meant nothing to me. But he saw right through it. I have no one to blame but me.

I can do most of the preparation by myself. I have a hurricane kit. I can do this. But I can’t reach all the shutters on my own. I wanted to call him. He would have helped. It’s the neighborly thing to do.

I thought I understood what it meant to be alone. After Hamilton left, I didn’t have this aching sense of loss. My life continued the same way as it had before. But with Orion,everything has changed. This life I thought was fulfilling is empty. This time in my own head is teaching me one thing: I want Orion here with me.

But I don’t have any rights to him anymore. He needs to take care of the boats and his house, and I don’t even know if he’s staying through the storm. A lot of people leave. It’s less stressful that way. To not deal with the wind and the rain and the constant fear that something will go terribly wrong before it gets better.

So this is the worst I will feel. But I will never have it as good again as I did with Orion. It’s not that no one else could make me happy, it’s that no one else will ever push me and cherish me the way Orion did.

I fucked up. Worse than I ever have before.

I called Christian for help with the shutters. He’s always willing to assist and he’s the type of new Floridian who has his ducks in a row long before a storm comes. And Autumn can handle the grocery stores for anything else they need.

I can live on my own, but I don’t want to. I want Orion in my life. Not as my neighbor, but as my partner. I’ll get through this storm and then I’ll go to him and beg if I need to. I’ll admit I’m scared, that he scares me more than anything. I built these walls with the assumption they would protect me. I wanted to preserve my image at all costs. Now all I have is a friend who helps me with my shutters and my sandbags but doesn’t ask how I’m feeling. I shouldn’t have pushed Orion away in the first place. I should have admitted from the beginning that he could be everything to me.

No one besides Alex has said anything to me to indicate they have noticed a change in my relationship with Orion. But when we saw Orion in his backyard, Christian looked at me sympathetically before crossing to him. Does he know more than he’s letting on?

I stand on the beach as the waves crash over my feet. The air is sticky warm and electric in the coming storm. It’s not raining yet, just wind and waves and this body of water that I love so much, that has the power to destroy everything that matters to me.

“Carina!” Orion’s voice barely carries over the violent waves. “What are you doing?”

I could fight him on this. He’ll tell me I’m not safe. That I’m taking too big of a risk. I do take risks. Risks I completely calculate and have determined that the odds of success are great enough that it doesn’t feel like chance anymore.

Standing in one spot shouldn’t feel dangerous.

“I’m fine, Orion,” I yell back.

He comes up next to me and braces himself against the wind, his hair blown about. Mine must look just as messy.

“This isn’t safe.” He stands close to me so we can hear each other.

“I’ve done safe,” I say. “Look where it’s gotten me.”

He takes a deep breath like he’s steeling for an endless conversation about my feelings and my needs, and we won’t touch his feelings and his needs.

I’ve been so selfish.

“I didn’t think you’d stay,” I shout. He told me he never had before. Why would he sail through a storm if he could avoid it? I didn’t see our relationship as any different.

“We’re not under evacuation orders. I want to be here. Make sure everything is okay.”

“No, I meant with me. I thought you’d leave, and I’d be left here, and everyone would tell me I was an idiot for falling in love with the sailor who was always leaving.”

His eyebrows scrunch together and his arms cross over his chest. He’ll probably tell me I didn’t listen to him and then make sure I’m safe in the storm, because that’s what neighbors do.

“How many times did I tell you this is my home now? I’m staying here. And even if that wasn’t my plan at the beginning, how could I leave you, Carina?”

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