Page 66 of Fire & Ice

All in the name of, what?Getting off?

Sure, Tripp wanted something this morning, perhaps even needed it. That’s not in dispute. But Tripp always wants things, always needs them, and it’s notjustLeander’s job to deliver, it’s his damn obligation to do sosafely.And if it can’t be done safely, it shouldn’t be done at all. That’s supposed to be rule number one in his own damn playbook.

Admittedly, Leander got caught up this morning. Tripp does that to him, but it’s not an excuse.

Around four a.m., Tripp had woken up anxious and flailing around in the bed, very unlike his usual motionless sleep of the dead. Usually, he knocks out like a rock after they scene, hardly rolling over until morning, especially when Leander is curled around him, or vice versa.

Not today.

Most assuredly, Tripp hadn’t meant to wake Leander up, but with all of the huffing and flopping he was doing, that was probably inevitable. Some minor coaxing convinced areluctant Tripp to admit that he was stressed about the day ahead—mostly regarding his leadership role in the fire training scenarios, especially when it came to the new recruits. But that wasn’t all—those worries were also piled on top of the self-inflicted stress that comes with being the best brotherly support system he can possibly be, while simultaneously tiptoeing around the two assholes Beau insists on calling his best friends.

At the time, the solution to all of this had seemed obvious to Leander. And to Tripp, of course. Expending stress and anxiety is what he and Trippdotogether, it’s the major purpose their altered relationship serves in Tripp’s life. It’s what keeps Tripp coming back to Leander’s home and his bed, night after night.

And so what if they were pushing the window for decent aftercare? It wasn’t the first time. They’d risked a few casual scenes before this, times when one of them had plans to be somewhere else soon after. Although, when Leander reflects back, hedoesrealize that none of those scenes ended withzerocuddling, andmaybehe overlooked that, just a little, because it wasn’t convenient to his in-the-moment desires.

Selfish.

The bottom line is, Leander truly believes that he put Tripp at risk (again), whether Tripp agrees with his assessment or not. That knowledge makes him feel terrible, like the worst person in the world,especiallybecause of how much he loves Tripp.Especiallybecause of how he made the man specific promises to never take advantage, to never do this very thing.

The enormity of what he had done overwhelmed Leander. The feelings compounded and dragged him down into a shame spiral, one that made his need to see Tripp—to feel with his own hands that he wasaliveandokay,to hear with his own ears thatTripp stillwantedhim, regardless of whether that was right, or smart, whether he should or shouldn’t—impossible to ignore.

But once he wasthere, the whole concept of invading Tripp’s space at work, of showing up uninvited, of adding to the burden already on his shoulders, of embarrassing Tripp and humiliating himself, andeverything else—

It wasn’t good.

Hence, the folding and the isolation. Channeling his anxiety and rage at himself into something mundane and rote, away from other people but as close to Tripp as he could get for the time being. It worked, enough to get Leander through the fraught and endless hours until Tripp showed up, anyway.

And Tripp—sweet, intuitive, forgiving Tripp—was perfect. Leander is entirely certain that he can never repay him for this. One thing is for sure: if he didn’t already love Tripp with every fiber of his being,today would surely have sent him tumbling headfirst over the cliff.

Whether Tripp agrees or not doesn’t matter, because Leanderknowswith absolute certainty that he does not deserve this man. While he may get to keep him regardless of that fact, it doesn’t make it any less true, and Leander will spend the rest of the time Tripp gifts him with making that (and everything else) up to him.

As he crumples the empty cheeseburger wrapper in his hands, making sure there are no stray crumbs littering the otherwise pristine seats of Tripp’s vehicle, Leander can’t help but glance over at his friend. His heart races in his chest to find Tripp already smiling back, the lines at the corners of his eyes giving away that he’strulyhappy. He’s not playing for Leander’s sake, not simply acting because he thinks it’s what Leander needs right now (although, that’s not incorrect).

All too soon, Tripp has to turn his gaze back to the road, but Leander can’t stop looking, can’t stop marveling at howunbelievablylucky he is to have someone like Tripp in his life. Something twists in his gut, enough that he physically has to put a hand on his stomach. From the moment Tripp walked into the bathroom, to the sweet dancing moment they shared in the shower, to Tripp’s kisses and their unexpected exchange of “I need yous” back in the bunkroom—Leander might be crazy, might be dreaming, might be straight up seeing what he wants to see, but somethingfeelsdifferent.

It doesn’t help him sort out that question to know that Trippwasquite obviously giving everything he thought Leander needed to pull him out of a major drop. That is definitely true, and itcouldexplain away the entirety of Tripp’s behavior and all of their affectionate interactions. On the other hand, following his gut is something Leander hasalwaysregretted not doing when it comes to Tripp, both today and any other time that he’s resisted or second-guessed himself.

And his gut says something is shifting between them. Something good. Something Leanderwantsmore than he can put words to and is afraid beyond measure to name, at least where it concerns Tripp, and howTrippfeels abouthim.

If itistrue, then Leander needs to tread carefully, slowly. Much of his relationship with Tripp, even before they added the BDSM and the sex, was one step forward, two steps back. That’s just how Tripp is, and it’s taken Leander years to learn how to handle him. This—thischangein whatever’s happening between them—can’t be treated any differently.

One agonizingly slow minute at a time, then onto the next.

On a lighter note, Tripp looks positively stunning right now, behind the wheel of his car. Despite his impossibly long day and evident exhaustion, he’s beautiful. He’s alsosurprisingly bright, his five o’clock shadow looking intentional and roguish, the tight fit of his button down perfectly accentuating his lovely body, even under his (notweather-appropriate) leather jacket.

Of course, Tripp always looks beautiful, but tonight, Leander can’t pry his eyes away from him. So much so that he’s nearly gawking as Tripp exits their vehicle, stepping out into the evening chill and the dim light of a nearly-set sun looking like a model at a photoshoot.

They’re parked at the curb in front of the ornate church where Bri and Beau are tying the knot tomorrow afternoon, and—likely due in part to the near-freezing temperatures—no one is waiting outside to greet them. In fact, the street itself is oddly quiet, traffic low and slow and no one walking on the sidewalks. Perhaps it’s the negligent risk that makes Leander brave, but reason aside, when the urge strikes him to reach out and slip one hand into Tripp’s, he doesn’t think twice.

The residual static in Leander’s head, the whispering ghosts repeating that he’snotgood enough,notworthy, poof and evaporate like dust in the wind when Tripp turns his face towards him andsmiles.

Blinding, absolute sunshine, and the light at the end of Leander’s sometimes very dark tunnel, he finds himself barely able to breathe with that look directed his way. Whistling and happy as a clam, Tripp fails to notice anything off in his demeanor, and plows ahead. Dragging Leander determinedly up the stone steps of the church, Tripp pulls open one of theveryheavy wooden double doors and sweeps him inside ahead of himself without pause.

On the other side of the door, Beau, Bri, and their squads of bridesmaids and groomsmen are gathered in the lobby. Leander scans faces and accounts for all of their friendsplus Bri's parents. The elder Baileys are lingering off to the side of the main group, standing with Mickey Miller and Reina Harrington. The latter pair are standing in for father and mother of the groom, respectively, and Leander knows personally that Beau is both grateful and proud to have them do so.

Still holding Leander’s hand, Tripp waves and grins at everyone, echoing greetings and one-arming hugs, first with Bri and then Beau, angling his body so that he doesn’t have to let go. Watching that happen and feeling Tripp’s grip only tighten around his palm nearly has Leander losing it all over again. He truly does not deserve someone sogood,so considerate and constantly giving of himself.

Tripp isn’t even wearing his collar, nor did they negotiate anything like this ahead of time. He’s just…Tripp,holding Leander’s hand, because he wants to.

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