Page 18 of Mother Pucker

“You said you loved someone’s sword. Who was it?”

I swallow. “The Witcher.”

Kai tucks his head into the pillow next to mine, and I take the opportunity to relish the scent of eucalyptus and ginger wafting in the air around me. It was from the dye-free, chemical-free shampoo I’d ordered for him recently.

“That makes sense,” he responds through a yawn. “He has a pretty cool steel sword.”

“And how would you know?” I ask, gently caressing the top of his cheek with my thumb. “You aren’t allowed to watch that show.”

He shrugs, his eyes closing. “Liam told me because he watches it.”

I hum. I love the bond between them, though I don’t know how I feel about them discussing the show. “I should have guessed. Did you have a nightmare, too?”

“No. I just wanted to be here in case you had another one.”

I stare at him, my heart and my eyes filling simultaneously.

This tiny kid, who wants nothing but to make sure his mom is okay. A kid forced to give up his own dreams because his mom said no, all because she’s too scared to let him chase them. That same kid still finds room in his heart to come check on her, to protect her in case she needs him.

“Mom?” His sleepy voice has me blinking away tears.

“Yes, sweetheart?”

“Have you thought about the ice skating classes? They’re starting next week.” When I stay silent, considering his request again, he continues, “I’ll be extra careful. I’ll even wear those ugly knee and elbow pads you got me–the ones I used to play catch with Uncle Cortney sometimes.” He yawns again. “He said he could teach me baseball if you were okay with it, but . . .” His downturned eyes plead with me. “I just want to learn how to skate, and when I get really good at it, then maybe you can think about letting me play hockey?”

My throat closes up, my heart at war with my brain.

How long can you keep him in a bubble, Shay?

How long can you protect him, keep him from experiencing the world?

He might reluctantly accept your decision now, but he’ll end up resenting you later. Is that what you want? For your only son–the person who matters more than anyone else in the world–to resent you?

You can’t shelter him forever.

I’m just about to tell him my decision, and how Rowan gave me tickets to watch his game, when I realize Kai’s eyes are closed and his breathing has evened. Poor kid couldn’t keep his eyes open another second longer awaiting my decision.

I slip out of bed a few minutes later, leaving Kai in the throes of deep sleep. As softly as possible, I open my nightstand once more, reaching further back where I’ve kept it hidden since the last time I used it a month ago, and pull out the second thing I was hoping to resist.

Throwing my robe over my pajamas, I stuff the white box inside my pocket and tiptoe out of my room and through the side door. During the daytime, my patients use it to come see me inside my home-office next door.

The early October chill makes its way down the back of my robe, ruffling my short hair, and I shudder, pulling my robe tighter around my body.

It’s only four, still too early for the house to be up or for the streets to be busy, but it’s the perfect time to relish in the quiet.

Taking a seat on the concrete steps, I pull out the white box from my pocket before looking this way and that to make sure no one is around.

Dylan already caught me smoking on the beach during our last girls’ trip, so I’m not too concerned about her, but no one else knows.

My chest feels heavy with the weight of my gruesome secret. A secret I’ve kept from some of my closest friends for the past three years, but a secret I’m not ready to divulge quite yet. I haveto believe I’ll kick this need before it gets worse, and by then, they won’t even need to know.

I’d smoked a couple of times in college after a late-night bar hop, but I hadn’t touched a cigarette from the moment I’d met Ajay. He hated the thought of anyone purposely filling their lungs with toxins, and I hated the thought of him thinking any less of me, so I put all my partying ways behind me and started anew.

But then he died . . . and so did a part of my purpose.

I had Kai to live and care for, but who was I besides a mother and a medical professional now that I wasn’t a wife?

One dark night bled into another, and I found myself finding comfort in the rush of nicotine as it hurried through my system. I told myself it was only temporary, until I found my bearings in a life without Ajay.

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