Page 69 of Mother Pucker

A lump forms in my throat. “It’s nothing, little man. But remember, you can’t use it unless your mom is okay with it, and only when you’re better at skating.”

Kai wraps his arms around my neck. “Thank you, Rowan.”

I clear my throat. “So, are you going to show me the raccoons you’ve been telling me all about?”

I follow Kai toward the fireplace, kneeling with him in front of the meshed wire fence.

“That’s their mom, Junior.” He indicates with a pointed index finger. “And that there, with the brownish patch on hisback is Shadow, there’s Newton, and that one in the back is Slick.”

The mother raccoon eyes me wearily, while her kits chirp, nestling under her and ducking away for safety.

I’m just about to ask what the plan is for these raccoons when Beckett’s voice resounds behind us. “What the duck is that smell?”

I turn to watch a woman with fiery red hair walk into the room alongside Cortney Miller.

Rising to my feet, I introduce myself to both of them and learn that the woman’s name is Dylan–as in one of Shay’s best friends, who is now pregnant with Cortney Miller’s baby.

“Yeah, what the heck is that smell?” Dylan repeats Beckett’s question, sniffing the air.

Our faces contort in various ways as the stench of ammonia and something familiarly unpleasant hits our senses. If someone was to watch a silent footage of us with our heads in the air and grimaces over our faces, they’d think we were enacting hyenas in the grasslands, sniffing for prey.

“What in the world are you guys doing?” This from a red-headed teenager, shuffling in lazily while looking at us like we’ve all lost our marbles. We probably have. His eyes widen a bit in recognition when his gaze settles on me, and I notice the striking resemblance between him and Dylan. I have to assume he must be Liam, the kid Kai told me he felt close to.

The stench gets worse as Beckett and Cortney start to search for the source.

A clicking of heels that stops abruptly at the entrance of the family room has us looking over to where a tall, well-dressed blonde glowers at us, her expression mimicked by the two clones on either side of her. “What in the–” she gasps. “Oh dear God, what the hell is that smell?!”

“Mommy, you owe us a thousand dollars,” says one of the spawns, pinching her nose.

I’m just starting to wonder who else will follow their nose and join us to the epicenter of this stink bomb explosion when a boy with a buzzed haircut and an orange-and-black tutu–showing his early Halloween spirit–dashes into the room, holding a Nerf gun aimed toward me, like some sort of avenging angel.

A dark-haired woman I recognize as Liv, Beckett’s wife, and another girl of about eight or nine, rush in behind him and also come to a stop. Liv glances at me before looking at her husband. “What is going– Jesus Christ,what is that smell?”

“It’s coming from the humidifier,” Cortney says, visibly wincing as he turns it off. “It smells like . . . like–”

“He did it!” The boy in the tutu points at me like he’s ready to put me on a stake after an unjust witch trial. He shoots a few Nerf balls in my direction. They bounce off my chest and thighs, but I’m too stunned to even understand what the fuck is happening right now. Oh, and it still smells like ass in this room. “He did it! I sawed him!”

The raccoons inside the chimney scurry and chirp as if concurring with his accusation, and I lift my hands. I don’t know what the hell this kid is accusing me of, but holy crap, this is madness!

“Hey! Sorry I ran late, but Kai and I are ready to go. I wasn’t expecting the appointment to take so long, but–” Shay is the last one to join everyone in the family room, wearing a cropped white shirt and yoga pants, looking like my wet dream. Her concerned gaze finds me before she enters the room, and if we weren’t under cover–or in the middle of the strangest meet-and-greet I’ve ever experienced–I’d kiss those lips of hers until she told me to stop. “What’s happening here?”

The blonde bends down in front of boy G.I. Joe. “Finn, what did he do?” She aims a perfectly arched, accusatory brow in my direction. “What did you see him do?”

Finn looks at his toes and mumbles, “Peed.”

A hurried snort-laugh leaves Liam and Dylan while the rest of us try to put together what Finn just said.

Liv puts a hand on her son’s shoulder. “Finn, I’m pretty sure you know the rules about lying. Now, tell us the truth. What happened here?”

Finn’s face twists with guilt. “I wanted to sees what it would be like.”

“What are you talking about, Huck?” Beckett addresses Finn in what I’m gathering is the kid’s nickname.

Finn’s voice is barely audible. “Fine. I peed inside the humidifier.”

There’s a collective gasp in the room, along with all the little girls and some of the women saying their own versions of, “Ew!” while Dylan, Liam, and Kai crack up.

“You peed inside the humidifier?!”Liv looks positively horrified while Beckett pinches the bridge of his nose.

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