Page 74 of Mother Pucker

“Are you planning on telling him about you and Rowan?” Dylan asks.

“Eventually, yes, but as it stands now, I don’t even know where this leaves me and Rowan.” My chest tightens as I replay my words to him last night, knowing I hurt him. “I sort of just left his apartment in a state. I told him I didn’t know where we stood or how I wanted to proceed.” I wince, remembering our conversation. “I even told him at one point that we were just friends with benefits.”

Dylan and Liv make separate, but equally uneasy, noises.

“Yeah, that must have hurt.” Liv states what I already know; what I’ve beat myself up over practically all night.

The look on his face–defeat mixed with a hope that I would choose the correct answer–when he told me he was ready to go all-in with us. He didn’t have to say it; I know he was hoping I would feel the same way.

I left with a roller coaster of emotion inside my stomach.

He wanted more.

A commitment. A promise for something real and long-term.

Something I hadn’t given to anyone since Ajay.

My second chance at love . . .

And while my heart gave me a shove to follow its lead and jump into his arms, even in that moment, while leaving behind my doubts to the wind, my brain kept me on a short leash.

What if you and Kai get attached and he breaks your hearts?

What if something happens to him and you have to face loss again?

What if it doesn’t work out for the sheer fact that you can be a loonie-bin sometimes and not everyone can handle you?

“Is that how you really feel?” Dylan asks, following my lead as I straddle my legs out into a wide V and bend forward in the middle. “Like you’re still just friends with benefits?”

I shake my head vehemently. “No. I haven’t for a while.”

“Then he deserves to know that, Shay.” Liv removes a dry autumn leaf that blew onto her mat. “As for this whole PR thing, I know it’s stressful, but it’ll get sorted out soon, if it hasn't already.”

I nod, mulling everything over in my head, and hoping she’s right. I bend to my right with my arm over my head, feeling the stretch along my side. “Did you know Beckett invited Rowan to ourtraditionalHalloween barbecue in a couple of days? When did we start having traditions? And, of course, he told Kai that his favorite hockey player was taking him trick-or-treating. Kai was so ecstatic, he couldn’t breathe properly when he told me earlier.”

Even if I was thinking about messaging Rowan to hold off on coming to Halloween, I couldn’t, knowing it would break Kai’s heart.

I look at Liv, who seems to be overly interested in our dead grass. “Liv, do you know anything about it?”

She places a hand on her chest. “Who? Me?”

“No, Beckett Langfield’sotherwife,” I sass back. “Of course, you!”

She rubs her nose. “Nope. I have no idea.”

Dylan and I exchange a look before she says what I’m thinking, “Yup, the nose rubbing was a dead giveaway. She’s lying.”

I’m just about to start another round of interrogation on my secret-keeping friend when Delia stomps over, waving her finger at all of us. “You bitches!”

My phone buzzes inside my pocket, and I turn my wrist to scan the message that came through my watch. I make it a habit to not check my phone when I’m working, but I’ve been waiting for an update all morning.

Rowan

Hey. All incriminating pictures and reports have been removed, so I think we’re in the clear. I had to tell my agent the truth about us, but the team has made a firm public statement holding the line on our strictly professional relationship.

I exhale out a relieved breath before sending him an automated,Thanks!back since I can’t type out much more. Once I get a moment, I’ll send him another message, wishing him good luck on the game he’ll play against New Jersey tonight.

I’m just about to walk over to where my patient is folding himself down to the gym mat lying in the corner of my room when another message lights up my watch.

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