Page 106 of Abyss

“Nathan was my childhood best friend who died in an accident. An accident I still believe to be a murder, but there’s no way to prove that since it was always deemed an open-shut case of accidental death.”

My heart hammers as I process what she’s saying, but I stay quiet, letting her speak.

“He was more like a protective older brother to me than anything else.” Her lips wobble with a melancholy smile, and I know she’s in the midst of a loving memory. “Sure, we joked about marrying each other if neither of us found anyone, but that had more to do with how much we trusted each other than anything else.”

I clear my throat again, keeping my voice soft. “So these emails . . .?”

Kavi chuckles without humor. “My therapist told me to write to him as a way to cope at the time. But I still write to him, pretending that, in some dimension, he receives my mail. That perhaps he’s alive and well somewhere.”

She turns her head, inspecting the ground. “It probably makes me sound crazy, and maybe I am . . .” She shifts to study my reaction. “But I’m not hurting anyone. I know he’llnever come back; I’ve accepted that. But I suppose I rely on the comfort of his friendship, even in the afterlife, hoping he’s looking down on me, protecting me from wherever he is.”

Her eyes fill again as she tilts her head toward her open laptop. “What you read was a part of my diary. Letters to my dead best friend.”

“Kav—” Not able to hold myself back any longer, I rush to her, cradling her face in my palms.

Fuck, I had no clue.

I’m appalled at my own thoughts, my reaction, and my words. Not only did I think the worst of her, but I allowed some of those doubts to slip from my lips and become the reason for her tears.

My voice trembles, wishing I could erase everything about the past ten minutes. “I’m so fucking sorry, baby. So, so sorry. I based everything on my past experiences and thought—”

“That I was cheating on you,” she finishes for me as a tear slips from her lids. I wipe it with my thumb, hating the feel of it on my skin. She shakes her head. “I would never do that to you, Hudson. How could I when I’m utterly and painfully in love with you?”

The buzzing in my head comes to a full stop, along with my breaths as her words sink in.

She . . . loves me?

I don’t have a chance to process my thoughts or her statement when she wraps her hands around my wrists and pulls me back into her hypnotic gaze. “I would never do that to you. I’m . . .” She steps into me, straightening to ensure I hear her next words. “I’m not her. I’ll never be her.”

I nod, pressing my forehead against hers. “I know. I feel like an asshole for doubting you, even for a minute.”

She rests her hands on my chest. “We’re the products of our pasts, aren’t we? I mean, look at me. I still sleep withevery nightlight on, still shiver at the thought of being inside a small closet or an airplane.”

My gaze flicks to the scar on her arm. Somehow, I feel like she’ll finally talk to me. “Will you tell me what happened now?”

She hesitates another moment, but nods.

Before she can start, I pick her up—one hand on her back and the other under her knees—and carry her to the couch. We’ve both forgotten about the pizza and wine at this point.

She settles her head on my chest while mindlessly running her thumb over my scruff. Her voice is ragged against me. “Nathan and I both came from lower-middle-class families. We became best friends in kindergarten, and ended up at the same pricey private high school based on some donations from the wealthy community we lived in.

“Soon after we got there, we ran into a group of shitty kids—bullies, for the lack of a better word. We knew to stay away from them and, for the most part, we did. But Nathan’s family was met with financial issues when his deadbeat, drug addict dad ended up owing money to his dealer. And for reasons I still don’t understand to this day, Nathan decided to go to the leader of the bully gang, Vance, for help.”

Fuck.

A part of me wants her to stop, to tell her I don’t really want to know, while the other part needs this just as much as I think she does.

Feeling her body stiffen as she wades through the memories, I hold her tighter. She tells me about how Nathan couldn’t pay Vance back, and based on some bullshit rule Vance made up called the ‘darkness clause’, Nathan would have to carry out a dare of the bully’s choosing.

“I got a note from Vance’s friend later in the day, saying she knew of a way to help Nathan and wanted to meet me downstairs in the school’s boiler room. I knew I shouldn’thave trusted her, but I was so desperate to help Nathan, I followed her directions.”

Ice trickles into my veins.

My hair stands up at the back of my neck.

My molars grind as she walks me through what happened, and I’m shocked at the wickedness of some kids at such a young age.

“But when I got there, I was ambushed by three of them. They punched me and knocked me out before carrying and shoving me into a tiny, dark closet inside the boiler room.”

---