Page 101 of Pretend for Me

Don’t be a fool! Look at what that kind of love did to Mom. Look at what it did to Nisha and Sarina. How can you not see that you’ll end up the same way?

Dev’s arms gather me up as he lays down behind me, my back to his chest. His hand splays over my belly and his lips brush kisses on the shell of my ear, the nape of my neck. “You’re so fucking beautiful.”

I place my hand over his, hoping to wave off my growing anxiety.

“What happened today?” I ask, trying to steer my mind in another direction. “I mean, it felt like you were somewhere else at the beginning. Like you were upset, or I don’t know . . . lost?”

He’s quiet for so long, I wonder if he’s just not going to answer. But then his fingers play with his mother’s ring on my finger.

“I was lost,” he murmurs. “I’ve been lost for a long time. But today was . . . just a lot.”

I give him a confused look and watch his throat bob.

“I went to see my mom. I wanted to convince her to try a new clinical trial. ”

“Oh.”

He shakes his head. “She’s intent on giving up.”

I turn around in his arms, my hands cupping his face instinctively, while our bodies stay aligned. “She’s not giving up, Dev; she’s letting go. She wants to live out the rest of her life with a smile on her face and seeing a smile on the faces of the ones she loves. There’s a difference.”

He shuts his eyes, and I know he’s hoping to keep his tears at bay. “I can’t sit back and just watch her go. I can’t do it.”

My thumbs skate over his stubble. “It’s her wish. And isn’t that what you’ve always wanted? To fulfill her wishes?”

His eyes open to lock with mine. He’s quiet for a beat, perhaps accepting what I’ve said or filing it away to think about later.

“She also wanted me to make amends with my dad,” he says, taking a long breath. “We’ve had a . . . complicated relationship for some time.”

I huff, giving him a mirthless smile. “Believe me, I know all about complicated relationships with dads. Did you try talking to him?”

He lifts a shoulder. “I got a few things off my chest. Our relationship can’t be one-sided. He has to decide he wants it, too.”

“Does he have a strained relationship with Deena too, or just you?”

“Mostly me, but I wouldn’t say he and Deena have an exceptional bond. He’s always been hard to please.” His fingers run down my back and he parts his legs so I can place mine in between them. We’ve woken up quite a few mornings tangled in the same way.

“What about your dad? Was he as much an asshole to Rowan as he was to you?”

I shake my head. “He was always hard on Rowan, but there was a level of respect there for him?—”

“Because of hockey,” he adds knowingly.

I nod. “I didn’t have any such talents, nothing he could tote around like a badge of honor.”

“And yet, here you are. The most talented and incredible woman I know.”

I shrug, and we lay there looking at each other until I can no longer hold back what’s trying to break free.

“Dev?”

“Mmm?”

“What you said earlier . . .” I clear my throat, my heart picking up its pace. “About loving me?—”

“I meant it.”

A heavy weight sits on my chest and I take in a short breath, pushing against it. “I’m just . . .” I pause to take a breath and try again, but the air feels thin. “I’m really?—”

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