Page 34 of Pretend for Me

I’ve asked myself the same question no less than a hundred times as I’ve crawled through every room and inspected thespace under every piece of large furniture, playing hide-and-seek with the horrible creature masked as an adorable rabbit: What the fuck was I thinking when I asked her to move in?

No joke, her fucking rabbit literally hopped through every one of my downstairs rooms, and for a while, every time one of us tried to catch her, it seemed we were breaking or toppling something else in the process.

It was Rome who finally found her behind a box of blankets in the guestroom closet—the room I planned to have Piper stay in. It took a bit for Piper to catch the beast, but thankfully, she got her back inside her cage. She placed a make-shift cardboard barrier between the furry savages to keep them away from each other for the time being.

“There’s no way Jackass Thumper and Asshole Roger are staying in my house,” I growl from my perch on the sofa across the overturned coffee table in my previously pristine living room.

Two gasps resound inside my ears.

“Mr. Dev said bad words!” Rome says, sounding both astonished and impressed.

“Their names are Kevin and Natalie Nutbottom, and they are staying where I am staying. So unless you’ve changed your mind about me living with you, they’re staying right here.”

That from my tornado of a fiancée.

I lift my head from my hands, glaring at her across the overturned coffee table in my previously pristine living room. “Peter, I swear?—”

“Remember that legal paperwork you made me sign yesterday?” she asks, interrupting me.

I slow blink, trying to stay calm. “Yes.”

She examines her fingernails as if suddenly concerned with the magenta polish on them. “I might have added a little amendment in there while your lawyer was using my bathroom, indicating that my pets are allowed to live in your homeas part of this arrangement.” At my gaping mouth, she adds, “And I may have initialed and dated it, too, you know,” she shrugs, “for consistency’s sake. I’m nothing if not consistent and law-abiding.”

I run my hand down my face as Piper high-fives Rome. And even in that movement, it’s not my impending demise I note, but the way her pink shirt drops further down on one side, revealing more of that silky skin and the lacy strip of fabric underneath.

I place my head back inside my palms.

God, I’m so fucked.

A few seconds later, Piper’s giggle has me lifting my head from my hands once again. Her hand covers her mouth as she shakes with laughter, tears running down her cheeks. Her gaze darts between me and Rome, and when he sees her laughing, the tension melts away completely. A smile stretches across his face and before he can help it, he bowls over, joining Piper in laughter.

I’m glad someone finds this funny.

Although, even as I shake my head, not wanting to acknowledge the past hour, I recall the way we were all frantically running through the house looking for her damn rabbit, and I find myself chuckling under my breath, too.

Jesus Christ, what have I gotten myself into?

Piper wipes the tears from the bottom of her lids, a smile still stretched across her face, while I struggle not to let those plush lips assuage my irritation. “I was going to ask for a house tour, but it seems we don’t need one anymore.”

I manage to keep my tone neutral. “How very fortunate for me.”

She composes herself, her eyes narrowing. “Oh, and since I was forced to vacate my home for this dump, I think it’s only fair I get to have my pick of rooms.”

I take a deep breath. “Let me guess . . .”

She lifts a hand. “No need. I quite loved your spacious bazillion-dollar closet and bathroom, not to mention that enormous bed that could comfortably fit a family of elephants. So, when Ralph comes in with the rest of my stuff, I’ll just ask him to leave it all in your room.”

My jaw ticks. “There are eight other rooms in the house. You can’t just?—”

“Oh, but I can, can’t I, dear husband-to-be?” she interrupts, resting her chin on her intertwined fingers. “Because what’s mine is yours, and what’s yours is mine. Isn’t that how marriage works? But don’t worry, I’m not kicking you out of your space. I’m happy to share it with you, and you’ll be happy to know, I don’t bite.” She winks before dragging her teeth over her bottom lip with all the innuendo. “But I do like to swallow.”

thirteen

piper

You Make My Brain Melt

Unknown Number

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