Page 43 of Pretend for Me

“They’re simple,” I start, lifting a finger for each rule. “No kissing, no spending the night, and absolutely no heart-shaped feelings.”

I don’t vocalize the other unspoken rules—to never become someone’s priority or anything more than a delightful distraction. To never become someone’sanything, really.

Why? Because life had taught me that it was best if you didn’t have expectations. That the L-word was as dirty and foul as some of the worst four-letter words out there. It was both used and discarded often. So, the only L-words I care to stand by are ‘live,’ ‘learn,’ and ‘lasagna.’ Because let’s face it, lasagna has never let anyone down.

“They’ve worked in favor of all parties involved so far,” I assert, doubling down on my previous words. “And I’m sure they’ll work for me and Dev, too . . . should he choose to accept. Though, as of now, that doesn’t look likely, given his initial reaction.”Or lack thereof.

Nisha sighs, as if she doesn’t know how else to argue anymore. “So, what are you going to do?”

I shift on my feet, feeling unsettled. I’ve never had someone reject my proposal for no-strings attached sex, and while Dev hasn’t exactly done that, my ego still feels bruised.

“I don’t know,” I admit. “I don’t think I’ll bring it up again, though. My vagina will probably prune up in the next few weeks, revirginifying herself to look like that of a mummified woman unearthed from the depths of a forgotten tomb.” I shake my head, slightly panicked. “Forget getting a penis up in there; I’ll barely be able to get a tampon in without it feeling like an archaeological dig.”

“Wow,” Joshua deadpans. “That visual was exactly what I needed this morning. Thanks for that.”

Sarina tries to suppress a laugh while Nisha gives up whatever she’s straightening to head back down the hall to her salon suite, murmuring, “Oh, for God’s sake.”

“Whatever,” I grumble, heading back to the main desk to pull up my client list for today, when Vajayjay jumps up on the desk asking for attention. I pick her up, peppering her with kisses. “You understand, don’t you, my sweet puss? You haven’t had your lady bits loved in forever, either. Maybe never. We’re like two peas in a very sad, very shriveled up pod, aren’t we?”

In response, she jumps out of my hands, prowling over to the buttons, pawing at one repeatedly.

“I miss you,” says the robotic voice.

Joshua, Sarina, and I exchange confused looks before realization dawns on me. “Oh my God, I think she misses Dev.”

sixteen

dev

Five Schlongs Hen Party

Hudson Case

[Image attachment: The one ring to rule them all]

Garrett Meyer

Dude, did you go on a bank heist? You know the rest of us would have pooled our lunch money and bailed you out.

Hudson Case

I didn’t rob a bank, dipshit. This is a picture of Piper’s ring.

Garrett Meyer

Is this what we do now? Share pictures of women’s jewelry? Should we also discuss nail polish and the best ways to remove cuticles?

Dean Meyer

That’s pretty sexist, bro. I happen to have very healthy nailsand cuticles.

Maybe Hudson accidentally shared this pic on this group chat instead of the one he has with the senior ladies he met at the last Bingo night. The one he has named “Hot Flashes and Adult Diapers”.

Garrett Meyer

Classic Hudson Case, boomer moment. [Old man taking selfie with backward Polaroid camera GIF]

Hudson Case

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