Page 58 of Dash

“Distant. Mad. Frantic. Haunted.”

I’d felt all of those things and more, trapped in a nightmare and unable to wake.

“As for me, I was battered by grief and down for the count.” She fidgeted with the rings on her finger. “I didn’t fight for us when it mattered. I gave up. I hate to say this, but you were right about some of the things you said.”

Another surprise. “I was?”

“Yes, but not for the reasons you think.” She moistened her lips with another sip of water, then licked the liquid from her mouth and chewed on her lips until all her lipstick was gone, driving me insane. “A new fear had taken root, one I didn’t understand then.”

I set my horny aside and focused on listening. “What fear?”

“The pain of losing Nix was so intense, so unbearable.” She drained the last of her drink. “I didn’t know if I could handle something like that ever again. Looking back, the lack of trust you felt coming from me was not something you imagined.”

Unable to say a single word, I reached for the bottle and refilled her glass.

“It was real,” she acknowledged, staring into the glass. “But you misunderstood it.”

I returned the bottle to the ice bucket. “I don’t follow.”

“I didn’t lose confidence in you, Dash.” Her grimace deepened the lines that cased her mouth, adding to the sadness darkening her eyes. “I lost confidence in myself. Nix’s death taught me I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was. I hovered at the edge of my endurance. I was afraid that, if you went on another mission and something happened to you, I was going to lose my mind.”

“I’m not tracking.” I sensed the depth of her pain even before I could understand it.

“Being a soldier’s partner is hard,” she offered, haltingly.“While you guys were away, I had to find ways to go on, deal with Father, and handle the anxiety of knowing that bad news could knock at my door at any time. You guys were deployed for so long and so often. Eventually, I got used to your teams’ successes. You and Nix always came back whole and hale. That is, until the mission went sideways, and Nix died.”

“You were… disappointed,” I concluded, feeling miserable about it.

“Yes, but I wasn’t disappointed in you.” She settled her flute down in the glass holder. “This is where our disconnect spans oceans. I was disappointed to discover that I was such a frail creature. I felt weak and afraid, unworthy of your strength.”

I was stunned. She’d felt as I had, like a failure and a farce, inadequate in every way. There was a kicker to that. I’d been lost so deep inside my head, so intent on punishing myself for failing Nix, that I hadn’t even noticed that Thena was drowning right next to me.

I cleared my throat. “Why didn’t you say any of this to me?”

“There was so much going on.” She slumped her shoulders. “You were so busy taking care of your team. We had no time to talk.” She ventured a glance at me. “If I’m going to be honest, I didn’t think you wanted to talk to me.”

She wasn’t wrong. I could now see that I’d emotionally distanced myself from her and everyone else to cope with my own grief. I’d refused to face off with my emotions. Instead, I got busy. I withdrew from Thena and left her isolated and alone in her sorrow. What a piece of shit partner I’d been when she needed me the most.

“My father struck at the perfect time.” Her eyes perused the dark countryside as it rushed by the limo. “Those pictures had such a devastating impact on me. Nix was dead and you looked like you were dead on your feet as well. When I saw thephotos, I felt as if my world had ended.”

For the first time, I tried to put myself in her shoes. What would’ve happened if the situation had been reversed? If the pictures had shown her going into hotels with another man?

The righteous dumbass in me cried out that I would’ve believed in her as she should’ve believed in me. That I wouldn’t have judged her the way she did me. However, the man emerging from the haze of years of sorrow and regrets wasn’t so sure anymore.

“I thought you didn’t love me.” She studied her clasped hands. “And if you didn’t love me, what was there to fight for? What was the point?”

“You were wrong about that,” I choked out.

“So you tell me now, but back then, I had no idea.” She stared out at the night sky.

“Here’s what I don’t understand.” I couldn’t stand her beating herself up and yet I had to know. “You believed your lying, cheating, scheming father. Not only did you boot me out of your life based on his lies, but you stayed with him, abandoned all your dreams, and worked for him. I find it hard to wrap my head around that. You chose him over me, over your sisters, over everything.”

“Looks that way, doesn’t it?” Bitterness twisted her face. “You probably won’t believe me, but I never chose him over you, or over my sisters.”

I had to temper my voice. “How so?”

“By the time I agreed to work with Father, you were gone and I had a huge hole to fill in my life.” She hesitated. “There was also… something else.”

“What?”

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