Page 12 of That Last Secret

I put a lot of pressure on myself and worry about things out of my control.

Working in the emergency room doesn’t help. The unknown causes me considerable anxiety before every shift. Even when I try to nap before work, my brain runs a mile a minute thinking about what we might see on shift.

Then, when I have to sleep after work, my brain runs through feelings of guilt for sleeping instead of studying.

I’m at the top of my class, but it hasn’t come without hard work. I put sleep, my friends, and my family all on the back burner.

I’m also the type of learner who has to study extra hours, read more material, and write things down. Then, to grasp the material, I have to find supplemental videos supporting what I just read.

Yet, all of that preparation still doesn’t ease my nerves.

Once a test is approaching or we’re about to dive into new content, fear crushes me like an elephant sitting on my chest, and I fall into a total panic.

It’s easier to deal with alone than have people asking questions.

Or worse, people treating me like a porcelain doll.

“But I’m managing,” I add before they can question me. “I can’t wait for spring break in a few weeks to get myself a little ahead so I don’t constantly feel behind.”

“You’re doing amazing.” Peyton beams with a smile. “I’m really proud of you, and I know Thomas is too.”

Just hearing her say that fills me with an overwhelming sense of pride.

She may not be my sister, but she’s the closest thing I have to one, being she’s engaged to my oldest brother. Knowing that she’s proud of me means everything.

“That means a lot.” I sigh, and change the subject before I get emotional. “Has anyone heard from Avery? How’s her mom doing?”

“She’s doing good,” Peyton answers first. “Her mom’s recovery is going well, and she says she should be back in the city by June. That’s her goal.”

“I miss that ball of energy,” Kali adds.

I laugh. “Speaking of balls of energy, I need to make it over to your place to see James soon.”

“You know you’re welcome anytime.” Peyton's smile radiates warmth, making me feel instantly at home.

I will always be thankful for stumbling upon a ‘nanny for hire’ ad that Peyton placed when she moved here, even though Thomas definitely didn’t want to hire someone. He didn’t understand that school would take over my life for a while and I wouldn’t be able to watch my nephew anymore, so I took it upon myself to find someone.

Peyton agreed to meet me one morning. When Thomas showed up to meet the possible nanny, it turned out that she and my brother already knew each other, which was wild to me.

Her getting hired led to the greatest thing that happened for both of them.

They are now engaged and will get married this fall. They even bought a house in New Jersey, right outside the city.

Every time I think about James or hang out with Peyton like this, I feel guilty for how I haven’t made an effort to get out there and see them as much as I’d like.

It’s mostly because I’m terrified of stepping away from the books.

I hate that I’ve let myself get like this.

“Once I get myself caught up with school, I am so making the trip to see you,” I tell her.

“Have you been seeing anyone?” Kali asks randomly. She holds up her hands in defense. “I know you’re busy with school, but we weren’t sure if there was… someoneelsekeeping you busy.”

I toss my head from side to side. “Absolutely not. I don’t have time for a relationship or seeing someone casually. Not to mention, the moment they find out what I deal with, they would run for the hills.”

“What do you mean?” Peyton cocks her head in confusion.

Shit.

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