Page 146 of That Last Secret

They both enter the room and take a seat on the opposite end of the hospital bed, angling their bodies to face me as I sit higher in the bed, crossing my legs.

My head falls, and I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt for hiding this for so long. “You will never know how sorry I am for not saying anything.”

“None of that,” Peyton says, pulling my head down to her chest and wrapping her arms around me. “I’ve never had a panic attack, so I can’t speak about what you went through, but I can only imagine it was hard for you to deal with. I’m sad I couldn’t be there for you, but we’re here now. We know now. And you’re not alone ever again. Do you understand?”

I nod.

“This one I had last night was the first one I’ve had in a long time,” I tell them honestly. “Logan has been helping me make them easier to deal with.”

“We’re just happy you had at least one person in your corner for this,” Peyton says.

“I should’ve seen the signs.” Brooke wipes a tear from her eyes. “You always got so distant the day before exams and even the morning of. Like your mind wasn’t there. I should’ve known.”

“I made it so no one would find out. Don’t beat yourself up,” I tell Brooke before looking at Avery and Peyton. “None of you should. And right now, I’m so happy you guys know. It’s a massive weight lifted off my shoulder.”

For now.

I’m telling them one secret only to hide another. Brooke is the only one in this room who knows, and that’s how I’d like to keep it until Logan wakes up.

Ifhe wakes up.

“Have you guys seen Logan?” I ask.

Peyton shakes her head. “We came to you first.”

“Have you?” Avery asks.

My head falls again. I look down at my hands as I wring them together nervously. I want to see him more than I need to breathe, but I’m terrified to see him that way. I’m scared to death I’m going to walk into the room, and he’ll choose that moment to stop breathing. I’m not ready to lose him. I can’t lose him.

“I’m scared,” I finally admit.

“We can go with you if you want,” Peyton offers.

“That’s a good idea,” Brooke adds. “Better than your brothers.” She looks at Peyton and Avery. “No offense to you guys.”

“None taken.” Avery holds her hands up in defense. “You are so right.”

“Do you think I can go now?” I ask.

“As long as you’re ready,” Peyton says.

I nod.

Even though no part of me is ready for this.

I feelmyself falling apart before I’m even in the room.

My palms are sweating, and I want to throw up again. But I hold it back. I know there’s nothing left in me, anyway.

Standing outside his door, I take a deep breath before looking at Peyton. She gives me a silent nod and a single squeeze of my hand before she sits in the hallway chair outside the room.

Opening the door, my heart breaks more than I knew was possible.

The room is dark, and Logan is hooked up to so many machines I don’t know where to look first.

My eyes land on the monitor lit up with a few colors showing his vital signs. The wires connected to it travel to the machine next to his bed that beeps for each breath it’s giving him.

The machine that’s keeping him alive.

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