Page 152 of That Last Secret

“I love you, Em,” he whispers.

“I love you too, Tommy. Thank you.”

And with that, I leave and hope like hell he’s right.

It’s done.

All the hard work I put in during classes and all the late nights studying are behind me. We graduated, and now the biggest exam of my life is done.

I felt an overwhelming sense of pride when I walked out of that building. Because I did it without letting my inner thoughts win. Before going in, Marc talked me down before he even knew I was on the verge of spiraling.

The support system surrounding me makes me feel guilty for not speaking up sooner about everything.

Now, I have to wait and see if I actually passed.

My issue right now is I’m sitting in this cold, dark hospital room, waiting for Logan to wake up, and I have nothing to keep my mind off this mess in front of me.

Because of that, my mind wanders.

What if Logan were to wake up right now and decide he doesn’t want me in the room? Or that he tells me to get out?

I rise from the chair in the corner, only to sit down on the one next to Logan’s bed. I know deep down he can hear what I have to say, and there are just some things I need to get out without fearing what he might say back.

“Hey, Logan.” I take his hand in mine, looking from his face down to his limp hand before looking back up at him. “I took my boards today. I hated leaving you, but I wanted you to know I only left because I needed to get that out of the way. Marc drove me there. You would be proud to know I didn’t have a panic attack before I walked in. I remained grounded and focused. I thought of you and everything you’ve always told me. I picturedyou telling me I could do it. That I can pass the test and the voices in my head telling me I can’t are just a bunch of liars. I don’t know if those are the exact words you’ve said to me, but I pictured it anyway.”

I look down at his hand, squeezing it and hoping he grips mine back.

“I miss you so much, Logan. You have no idea how much I wish I could hear your voice. There’s so much I want to tell you, but I can’t tell you like this. I thought I lost you that night they brought you in. The steady ring of your heart in a flatline is why I can’t sleep. When I close my eyes, I’m right back in that room. Standing in the doorway and watching my best friend do chest compressions while the man I love lay there without a pulse.”

Tears form in my eyes as I bring myself back to that moment.

Right before the world around me went dark.

“I’m so tired, Logan. I feel like each minute that passes, the voices grow louder and louder. They tell me I should leave, that you wouldn’t want me here. Butmyvoice is telling me there’s still a chance for us. You left my apartment without another word, but after this… after almost losing you this way… I can’t lose you again. I don’t understand why this is happening to you, and I don’t think I ever will.”

I continue to talk as if Logan is actually going to respond.

My heart breaks with each word out of my mouth, knowing he’s not going to say anything back. Knowing he’s not going to move in this bed.

“Do something,” I whisper. “Say something. Please. Tell me you’re here. Tell me you hear me. Give me some sort of sign.”

Nothing.

I take his hand between both of mine as I lower my head and rest it on the edge of his bed. Letting the tears flow like a steady stream for the first time all day.

The door to his room flies open, and two nurses rush in.

My head snaps in their direction, and I stand up quickly because they look worried.

“Is everything okay?”

They both stop dead in their tracks and offer me a soft smile and nod. “Everything is great. We just saw some activity on Logan’s heart monitor and wanted to make sure everything was okay.”

I look up and see the heart on the monitor beeping and his pulse reading just over one hundred.

“We silenced it for you the other night so it didn’t bother you while you were resting,” one nurse said.

“Were you just talking to him?” the other nurse asks.

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