Page 15 of Christmas for Keeps

“But I stopped talking a long time before you stopped calling.”

I couldn’t let him take responsibility because he’d been wrapped up in grief. “I’m smarter than that, though. At least I thought I was. After what you went through, I should have been more understanding. When you didn’t want me to visit, and you wouldn’t come to New York, I didn’t know what to think. I wondered if…”No, I shouldn’t say it. It’ll make me sound like a total asshole.

“What?” He sat up and tilted his head. “You wondered…?”

Fuck, no! I won’t ask. I don’t want to know if it’s true.

“Tell me.” He widened his eyes. “Please.”

I looked into the fire and spoke softly. “I thought maybe you didn’t love me anymore.”

“Oh.” He said nothing else.

“So, I guess you didn’t?” I looked at him, and my heart sank because he was shaking his head. “Con, was it because I wasn’t with you when—”

“I never—” He stopped, raising a shaking hand to cover his mouth. His eyes were huge and round, and when a log crackled in the fireplace, he nearly jumped off the couch.

“You never what?” I asked.

When he removed his hand from his mouth, it was shaking more than before. He stared at me, still wide-eyed, but his lips were trembling so hard he couldn’t speak.

Breathless, I was barely able to push out a whisper. “You never—”

“I never meant to hurt you. I’m sorry.” He paused, clenching his eyes shut while I tried to make sense of what he’d said. When he opened them, he worked his lips into a haunted smile. “Can we… I’m so tired, and… Can we talk more tomorrow? I need to go to bed now.”

What the fuck? Just when we were getting somewhere.I’d never known Connor to act this way. Even when his dad went into the hospital the last time, he hadn’t seemed so undone. I’d acted like a clueless jerk after his dad died, but I wouldn’t make that mistake again. “All right, give me a couple of minutes to change the sheets.”

“You don’t need to. Show me where they are, and I’ll do it.”

Gazing into his eyes, I realized he was afraid. Even more reason to be careful about my reaction. “Okay. Come with me.”

In the bedroom, I took two blankets and a pillow from the linen closet. Looking over my shoulder, I said, “The clean sheets are in here.”

“Wouldn’t you rather sleep in your bed?”

I turned to face him. “We settled that, remember?”

“If you’re sure.” He managed a little smile. “Don’t you need to use the bathroom?”

“No, I’ll go upstairs to wash my face.” I walked toward the door, but he called my name, and I turned.

“Thank you for being so understanding. I promise we’ll talk tomorrow.”

“I hope so. I’ve waited a long time to figure out what happened, and I want to know anything you feel like telling me. Nothing will ever make me stop caring for you.”

“Thank you.”

“Goodnight. Let me know if you need anything.” With that, I left the room and closed the door behind me. Whatever he had to say, he needed to do it in his own time.

After I settled on the couch, sleep wouldn’t come. Out on the road, I’d been shocked to see Connor, but the surprise had settled once we were laughing together. After we got home, we fell into an easy rhythm probably made possible by the closeness we’d once shared. The kissing and sexual excitement were unexpected, but they’d felt natural. But just when I thought we might find a way around our four-year impasse, something had spooked him.

Maybe jumping right back into bed wouldn’t have been the wisest thing to do. In retrospect, he was probably right to stop us until we had a chance to talk things out. Emotions had been high, understandably, but once he heard I was afraid he’d stopped loving me, he went from emotional to terrified in a second. Was he afraid to say his love for me had died?

“I never…” he’d said.

What words were coming next that frightened him so much? He never meant to hurt me, like he’d said when I pressed him? That didn’t tell me much, because I didn’t think he had, whatever had happened.

Did he mean he’d never loved me? My stomach bunched in a knot because if he never loved me, everything we had was a lie. Love hadn’t simply been something we talked about. It was the foundation of our relationship, and if Con never loved me, we wasted four years on a fantasy.

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