Page 16 of Christmas for Keeps

Chill. You know he loved you. Con can’t tell a convincing lie about someone’s haircut. There’s no way he faked loving you for so long.

Maybe he meant he neverstoppedloving me? That was an exhilarating prospect, but if it was true, why was he so afraid now? Shouldn’t he want to work things out as much as I do?

Get real. If he never stopped loving you, why hasn’t he so much as sent you an email in four years?

Good question, except for one thing. I haven’t been in touch with him either.

We had to discuss things so we could both understand what went down. If we couldn’t fix things between us, so be it, but at least maybe then I could move on.

CHAPTER5

Connor

My hands trembled uncontrollably,and I clenched them together in a futile attempt to still the shaking. Collapsing onto the bed, I growled in frustration. Zach and I had been doing so well, having fun, until the unexpected guest appeared.

Then Zach kissed me, and in a few seconds, I lost my wits. His warm lips unleashed an emotional whirlwind, rekindling feelings I had tried to bury for so long. To be fair, I responded with a kiss of my own. The way we clung to each other sparked a profound yearning for him, one that shook me to my core.

Bewildered and afraid, I asked him to talk. I couldn’t deny my desire for him, but we needed to agree on what was happening. As well as we were getting along, and considering our history, maybe we should enjoy a night in bed. It might provide the closure we deserved.

But as the conversation unraveled into a storm of fragmented sentences, raised voices, and tears, I doubted my judgment. We’d parted in such an incredibly messed up way, there was no wonder Zach was still wounded. I was hurting too, and having a physical relationship now might hurt us both again.

“I thought maybe you didn’t love me anymore.” When he said that, it surprised me so much I couldn’t respond. How could he eventhinkit?

Was it really so unreasonable after the way you shut him out?

But I wasn’t thinking clearly, and I didn’t want to make him miserable too.

My mind was trapped in a jumble of thoughts that wouldn’t translate into words, and when I said nothing, Zach assumed the worst. “So, I guess you didn’t?”

“I never—” Surprised, I caught myself mid-sentence. I’d loved Zach when things faded between us, and I still did, but would it help for me to tell him that? I’d barely admitted it to myself.

Back when he stopped trying to get in touch, I assumed he’d moved on. Still terribly depressed, I didn’t blame him. I didn’t try to contact him because, if he was happy, I didn’t want to interfere. I was also afraid to find out. If he loved someone else, I’d be truly alone, but if I didn’t know, part of me could hope things might change.

Tonight, I almost said all that, but I was too afraid—afraid of what might happen if I told him, afraid of learning how he felt, and afraid I couldn’t bury my feelings again once I said them out loud. After a night’s rest, I’d sort it out. He deserved to know what had happened, and I needed to apologize for hurting him so much.

* * *

“Con?”

“Mm.” Now he’s in my dreams again.

“Wake up, Connor.”

It’s either an insistent fucking dream or…I opened my eyes, and sure enough—looking better than any man had a right to in the morning—Zach was standing near the bed. “Huh?” I asked. “What time is it?”

“A little after ten.”

I rolled onto my back and put a hand on my forehead. “How is it that late? I feel like I just went to sleep.”

“Here, I brought you some coffee.” He stepped closer and set a mug on the nightstand. “I’ve got waffle batter ready in the kitchen. How about I go put on the bacon, and I’ll see you out there?”

“Yeah, okay.” I sat up, reached for the mug, and wow! After another sip, I said, “This is fantastic.”

A smile played across his lips. “Thanks. They roast it at a shop in town.” He jumped, as if suddenly realizing he was in my room—or in his room, with me in the bed. “I’ll uh…” He hooked a thumb toward the kitchen. “See you in a few.”

Closing the door, he left me to the coffee and my thoughts. The last time I’d checked, it was after three a.m. No wonder I felt like I’d barely slept. Memories of the life I’d had with Zach wouldn’t stop turning in my mind, and what had happened with him last night made me restless. On top of that, my chest had started hurting where the airbag hit.

Fuck, what am I going to do? Is it wise to stay here after last night?Obviously, I couldn’t go anywhere until my car was drivable, but maybe Zach would take me back to the resort. Sleeping against the wall in the lobby wouldn’t be any fun, but it would be better than hurting him more.

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