Page 75 of Broken Ice, Mended Hearts

I stood in my hotel room, glaring at the mirror and wishing it would answer, but no such luck. Ever since Sven hung up on me, I’d been trapped in a whirlwind of pissed-off confusion. Half of me wanted to crawl under the comforter and hibernate, but the other half felt like carving figure eights into Sven’s stupid ego. We never put fences around each other before, so why the hell had he done it last night?

When he said he loved me, the words brought a smile to my heart but also unleashed a storm of uncertainty about my own feelings. Did I love him?The answer seemed buried under a pile of what-ifs and maybe-I-dos so thick it could take all winter to dig it out. My feelings for him had deepened since we became partners, making the separation even harder. Every day dawned bright because I’d dreamed about him, but the happiness crashed when I remembered how long it would be before I could hold him again.

Fuck it. I didn’t even know what love might feel like until Sven showed up, all blond hair and heart-stopping smiles. I’dthought I loved Ella, but compared to Sven, that fiasco was like lukewarm water compared to molten lava. With her, I’d had to spend all my energy trying to be what she wanted, but with Sven, everything was different. I could be myself and know he’d accept me. At least, I thought so until last night.

I’m a hard-headed jock sometimes, but his words made me realize it was time to figure out if I’d found love at last. Why couldn’t he have understood enough to give me a day to sort through my feelings? Now, things were such a fucking mess I might never know, and even if I did, we’d probably never have the conversation that could change everything.

With less than three hours before the team had to be at the arena, I shut the curtains and crawled into bed. Since I’d hardly slept last night, getting some rest seemed like a good idea. Detroit was a powerhouse, so tonight’s game wouldn’t be easy.

I was about to fall asleep when someone knocked on the door.Tabarnak de calvaire, j’adore crisse!“Be there in a minute,” I yelled. I got out of bed, stomped to the door, and yanked it open. “This better be fucking important.”

Cleevs stepped backward. “Shit, Gags. Are you going to hit me?”

“What is it?” I snapped, in no mood to be hospitable. But as much as I loved Nick, Cleevs was my best friend on the team, and I was being an asshole. “Sorry.”

“Can I come in? You’ve looked like shit all day, and I think I know why.”

I stepped aside, and after closing the door, felt self-conscious. He was wearing workout shorts and a tank top, while I only had on boxers. We saw each other naked all the time in the locker room, but this was different. “Wait while I get dressed.” I found a pair of sweatpants and put them on, along with a T-shirt.

Two chairs sat around a table in the corner, and I flopped down in one and scrubbed a hand through my hair. When hedidn’t move, I pointed at the other chair. “Sit down. I don’t like people standing over me.”

He did as I asked, then looked me in the eye. “I talked to Drew. He sat with Sven on the plane back to DC and said he’s in terrible shape.”

“Yeah? Fuck him. He doesn’t want to talk.”

“I don’t think that’s true, but whether it is or not, you need to talk to him.”

“Fuck that. He hung up on me, so let him call if he has anything to say.”

Cleevs narrowed his eyes and raised his voice a notch. “Are you kidding me? You spent practically every day together all summer, and now you want to have a dick-measuring contest with the man you’re probably in love with?”

I jerked my head back.Why is everybody talking about being in love?“Not that it’s any of your goddamn business, but do you even know what happened?”

“I know what Sven told Drew, and I’d like to hear your side of it.”

“What’s the point?” My voice cracked as all the things I should have told Sven spun through my mind. “I’m pretty sure it’s over.”

Cleevs leaned across the table. “We’ve played together for years, Gags. Gotten drunk more times than I can count, laughed our asses off at least ten times a day, and beaten the shit out of other players to protect each other. You’re like a brother, and I want to help. Are you sure you wouldn’t like to talk about it?”

I stared at him, trying to decide where to start, and almost lost it when my eyes teared up. “Fuck, I screwed up so bad.”

“Don’t be too hard on yourself. Unless I’m delusional, Sven loves you, and whatever happened can be fixed.”

Once I opened my mouth, I couldn’t shut up. Starting with our hockey fight, I told Cleevs the saga of Sven and Gags. I talkedabout how Sven had helped me find myself again, and how much he meant to me. “He turned the sunshine back on in my life,” I said, “so why don’t I know how I feel about him?”

“I think youdoknow, buddy.” When I didn’t answer, Cleevs asked, “Am I right?”

“How can I know if I love him? I don’t know what it feels like.”

“The fuck are you talking about? You were married, and after that fell apart, you galumphed around like a zombie for a year. I started wondering if I’d ever see you smile again, and then you did—with Sven on your arm.”

I scoffed. “He’s never been on my arm.”

Cleevs quirked up one side of his mouth. “What body parthashe been on, then?”

It took a few seconds before I laughed. I was so full of emotion I cackled like a crazy man while Cleevs grinned. When I quieted down, my mind had cleared a bit. “Fuck you, Cleevs. You’ve always been able to get me out of my head.”

“I do my best.” He waited a beat before asking, “Why did you say you don’t know what love feels like?”

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