Page 40 of Pageant

“Of course. I understand.”

Olivia is silent, and we both munch on our dry noodles. Finally, she says, “The quiet one. Elyah. He didn’t strangle you or break your arms despite all the things you said about him. You even mocked his manhood.” She makes a sound like she’s puffing her cheeks out in astonishment. “A proud man like that and you told his friends he can’t get it up? I really thought you were dead.”

I rub my forehead as I remember all the things I said. I was running on autopilot and desperately trying to cover my fear. Being the worst contestant was all that I could think about.

“Imani and I watched him stare at you for hours after they brought you in here unconscious. Does he…love you?”

“It’s not love. It’s obsession.”

“But maybe he did truly love you once?”

My stomach swoops like I’ve crested a roller coaster and I’m plunging down the other side. I can’t remember those final weeks as Mrs. Ivan Kalashnik without being eaten up with shame, anger, and fear. I never thought I’d see Elyah again unless he was putting a bullet in my head.

“I don’t know. It doesn’t matter anymore.”

“Trying to screw his boss’s wife. The man must be reckless, or very stupid.”

I turn until my back is resting against the wall and I stare at the uneven bricks on the other side of my cell. “You know who’s stupid? Eighteen-year-old me, because I thought that Elyah’s forbidden love was the most romantic thing that had ever happened to me.”

I should have never allowed Elyah to make me smile, let alone touch me. Attempting to seduce me while I was married to his boss should have been a massive red flag, but from the first moment I laid eyes on Elyah—handsome, vital, confident, more than a little dangerous, andveryforbidden—red was my favorite color.

“Maybe it was romantic. Dangerous men can have this weird pull on you. Goddamn pussy whisperers, some of them,” she mutters.

I laugh, but quickly cover my mouth in case the guards are standing at the top of the stairs.

“I’m guessing your husband awoke nothing in your pussy,” Olivia says.

I shudder, remembering Ivan pawing at me while I gritted my teeth. “Oh, God. Less than nothing. I hated… Anyway. I don’t know what it was about Elyah. He was different back then. Polite and sweet.”

“Sweet?” Olivia’s voice is filled with incredulity.

I struggle to find the words to explain. “He described his hometown and how desperate and poor he was as a boy. I knew he’d been to prison. I even knew he was a killer, but it was because he had to kill, not because he liked doing it.”

“Right. Much sweeter,” Olivia replies in a strangled voice.

Sometimes I forget that not everyone has aPakhanfor a father and that death hasn’t always been a way of life. We’d need hard liquor, not water and dry ramen, if we were going to unpack my whole past.

“Elyah was always giving me these looks like he’d cross oceans and climb mountains just to see me smile. I was so lonely, and then…” My eyes prickle with tears and I have to take a few breaths before I can go on. “I fell pregnant, but I lost the baby.”

Olivia’s voice softens. “Oh, I’m so sorry.”

I reach through the bars across to Olivia’s cage, and she takes my hand. How good it feels to hold on to her. A friend in this terrible place.

“Let’s not talk about the past,” I tell her. “I want to focus on the here and now. I’m going to get you all out of here, alive. I promise.”

Olivia squeezes my hand. “Yeah. We’re getting the fuck out of here. All of us.”

We say goodnight, and I crawl into bed and draw the thin blanket over me, praying for the oblivion of sleep. All’s not silent, though. Hedda is sobbing, and the pitiful sound wears on my already raw nerves.

Her crying goes on and on until Marija snaps, “Do you think you’re the only one who has something to cry about? Shut the fuck up!”

Hedda hiccups and sniffles her way into silence, until we have nothing left but the cold and dark.

8

Kirill

From the top of the stairs, I can hear someone sobbing.

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