Page 68 of Pageant

I head through to the bathroom and rinse my mouth with cold water and then use a towel to clean up the mess I made on the floor. Lilia’s words from the other day are ringing in my ears.You have to go on believing I’m a liar. Otherwise, you’ll have to face up to all the cruel things you’ve done to the woman you love for no good reason.

I hurl the dirty towel into a corner of the room. Lilia is a liar and a snitch, and it’s an insult for her to expect me to believe anything else when I saw the evidence with my own two eyes.

I shower and dress, and I step out into the cool morning air using the door into the garden. There’s a breeze coming off the water, and the sun is already high in the sky. We’ve fallen into the habit of sleeping late, and the time must be edging toward midday. No crows today, thank fuck. I remember what Kirill told me, that I’m an old woman when it comes to superstition. I think he must be right, and I push away the last cloying tendrils of my dream.

I find Kirill sitting at the kitchen table eating cereal and reading on his phone. “Where’s Konstantin?”

“Out for a run. He’ll be back soon.” Kirill pushes the cereal box toward me, but my stomach threatens to rebel at the thought of food.

An hour goes by and Konstantin doesn’t come back. Then another hour. I pace restlessly up and down the kitchen, wanting today to be over. I need to be free of the burning anger that’s plagued my heart for the past two years.

Lilia’s down there in the cells right now, strung up by her wrists. Whatever torment I experienced last night, she suffered tenfold. A thousandfold. I wait for the rush of pleasure at this thought, but nothing happens. My soul feels as empty and as wrung out as my stomach.

I push my hands through my hair and groan. I’ve never felt so dangerously cast adrift as I do right now. In this life, losing focus can mean death. Whoever Konstantin chooses as his bride, he’s going to need me to watch her like a hawk for any signs of treachery and protect them both from his enemies. Right now, I couldn’t protect a stray kitten.

I’m on the verge of going out to look for Konstantin when we hear footsteps crunching on the gravel outside. OurPakhanenters the kitchen wearing a tank top and running shorts, his face ruddy from exertion but glowing with happiness.

“I want to talk to you about today,” I say right away.

“Sure,” Konstantin says, but heads for the refrigerator, pulls out a sports drink, and swallows down half the bottle, clearly parched from his long run. He wipes the back of his wrist over his mouth. “What about it?”

“When you are done with Number Seven, leave the room. I want to be alone with her.”

There’s no need for me to say whoheris.

“Can we watch?” Kirill asks, a grin lighting his features.

“Knock yourself out,” I say, still gazing at Konstantin, silently willing him to hurry the fuck up so we can get on with today’s task. My chest feels like my lungs are going to explode. After eating a bowl of cereal and laughing and chatting with Kirill, Konstantin finally heads upstairs for a shower.

Thirty minutes later, we’re in the judging room and Number One is being called in. There are four women ahead of Lilia, and the buzzing in my ears is so loud that I can’t follow what anyone says to each other. A few minutes later, Number One is sobbing on the floor. She’s been eliminated.

Numbers Five, Six, and Seven make it through the task, and my heart is racing so fast that all I can hear is the blood pounding in my ears. I shoot to my feet as soon as Konstantin presses the intercom, impatient for them all to get the hell out of here. MyPakhangives me a long look before he leaves the room, but I can’t meet his gaze. I can feel how much he wants the old Elyah back, the resolute, ruthless wall of muscle who scents danger on the wind and savagely puts down anyone who dares cross the people I care about. I want to be that man again, too.

Ineedto be him. That’s my worth. He’s all I am and all I will ever be.

Konstantin follows Kirill and Number Seven into the room that contains the two-way mirror and the speaker, and the room is mine.

I roll my shoulders and take a deep breath, flexing my head from side to side. I made the preparations last night, so all I have to do is climb up onto the judging desk and attach what I brought in with me to the ceiling.

I could use the intercom to call her in, but I don’t want guards to fetch her. This is personal. I pull open the door and find Lilia standing directly on the other side. There are shadows beneath her eyes but other than that, you wouldn’t have guessed that she spent a night filled with suffering. Her hair is combed and cascades down her back, and the white dress she wears clings softly to her slender frame.

She lifts her chin and gazes up at me with those sea-green eyes, and I’m fiercely reminded of all the times that we stood opposite each other in a doorway. My heart thunders just like it used to at the sight of her. Lilia smiles sadly, as if she’s remembering the exact thing that I am.

I squeeze my eyes shut, a wave of pain and regret slicing through me. When I open my eyes, I want to be dressed in a pressed black shirt, my jaw freshly shaved, and wearing cologne picked out just for this woman. I’ll sit at her kitchen counter, and for those few minutes as she bestows her attention and smiles on me, I’ll be truly alive. I should have taken her the day she was discharged from hospital after her miscarriage. It would have been easy enough to claim that Ivan had sent me to collect her, knocked her out with some roofied hot chocolate, and driven away with her. She would have been mine. I could have made her happy—

A door slams in my heart. If she’d wanted that, she would have reached out to me, not the feds. We can never go back, and it’s all Lilia’s fault.

I open my eyes and snarl, “Do not fucking smile at me. Get inside.”

I reach for Lilia, but she brushes past me and steps into the judging room. As she sees what’s hanging from the ceiling, she stops dead. Her left ankle starts to tremble and her hands clench and unclench at her sides.

I remember the first time I was tested. I reacted the same way Lilia is now. My insides were in turmoil, my guts spasming so hard that I thought I would lose them all over the floor, but I would rather have slit my own throat than show it. I had just joined my first crew, and I had to kill a man in cold blood. I was only seventeen, and though I had already killed my sister’s boyfriend, that was in the heat of the moment. I didn’t know my target and it sickened me that I was going to execute him without the consolation of hating him first. But I killed the man, and I came out on the other side stronger and harder than before.

Lilia presses her foot against the floor to stop her ankle from trembling. With effort, she relaxes her shoulders and straightens her spine, ready to face this test and pass through it to the other side.

But there is no other side for Lilia. This isn’t a test. This is the end.

She glances around the room as if looking for Konstantin and Kirill, but we’re alone. I’m not giving her the chance to play us off against each other like she has been all this week. There’s just me and her.

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