Page 69 of Pageant

And the hangman’s noose hanging from the ceiling.

I point at the judging table, which is a makeshift scaffold today, and she clambers up without a word. I get up there with her and stand beside her. With one smooth movement, I place the noose around her neck.

Lilia stares straight ahead as if I’m not there. I watch her closely, knowing I should give her one strong shove now. End this. Watch her dangle on the end of this rope until I’m finally fucking free of her.

But my hands stay balled into fists by my sides because I still crave to understand. “Do you know what happens to man’s skull when he is shot with high-caliber bullet?”

Lilia’s brow wrinkles with confusion. “I thought I was being hanged, not shot.”

“I told Ivan there were snipers, but he was too pig-headed to listen to me. His head exploded like watermelon right in front of me. You are like him, Lilia. If you had listened to me, we would not be here.”

“When should I have listened to you? When did I not listen to you?” she demands.

Hot anger pulses through me. She is cleverer than me. I can’t forget that, or she’ll have me twisted up in knots and chasing my own tail. “If you wanted to get out of your marriage, you should have trusted me, not the fucking feds.”

“What you mean is, I should have waited for you in your wardrobe instead of gathering up my dignity and taking myself home. I’m not sorry I decided to think for myself instead of becoming your fuck toy.”

I grab the front of Lilia’s dress in my fist and shake her. “It was not about fucking. I loved you and you treated me like dirt. I was lower than worm when I met you. Do you know how hard you have to work to make a man feel even lower than that?”

She still won’t look at me. “It wasn’t hard. I wasn’t even trying.”

I could fucking slap her.

She must feel my desire as she lifts her chin and angles her cheek toward me. “Go on. Hit me if it will make you feel more like a man.”

I’m not going to fucking hit her. I release her dress with a noise of disgust.

“Do you feel like a man yet, Elyah? Has Konstantin fed your ego by allowing you to bully a bunch of defenseless women?”

“He gave me my pride back when I lost everything, and I will show my gratitude with my loyalty until I am dead. This pageant is what myPakhanwants.”

Lilia’s lip curls, but I don’t expect her to understand what loyalty means.

“Just kill me, Elyah. Get this over with so you can help choose a bride for your precious boss.”

“No,” I growl. “There is going to be no easy way out of this for you. Tell me why you betrayed me, and I will snap your neck and give you a swift death. Stay silent, and I will push you from this table and you will strangle slowly. There is not enough rope for the fall to break your neck unless I do it for you.”

Pain, fear, and fury flash over her beautiful face as she struggles for self-control. “I won’t beg for mercy. You already have all the answers you crave. You’ve had them all along, and if you truly loved me, you would have realized the truth by yourself. I’m finished with my life. All I’ve done is swallow my pride and tried to appease everyone who has more power than me, only to be pushed into the dirt again and again. I’m at peace with death. I welcome it.”

But that’s not good enough for me. She claims I have answers, but I have nothing but questions and confusion. “I saw the photos of you sitting in the car with the federal agent. There is not chance in hell that you are innocent.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I never sat in a federal agent’s car. I have never spoken to a federal agent in my life.”

“But I saw you!” I explode.

She shakes her head. “I don’t know what you saw. You can believe me or not, but I’m not going to fight with you about it, Elyah.”

Frustration courses through me. But the photographs. What Vasily told me. The fact that she vanished into thin air while Ivan was being shot to death by the cops. Not just her, but her jewelry and clothes, too. She knew that Ivan was going to be arrested before anyone else did, and she fled.

“I can’t do this anymore,” she says, her voice cracking. “It’s too painful to be near you, Elyah. We have to end this now and say goodbye. The day we nearly made love was the second biggest mistake of my life.”

Pain stabs me through the heart. It’s my deepest, darkest secret, but I relive those precious moments with her every day of my life. I have so few happy memories to sustain me through the lonely nights, and even those are tainted with bitterness.

“And giving Ivan to the police and running away was the biggest,” I accuse.

Lilia shakes her head, and tears fill her eyes and run down her face. “You still don’t get it. All this time, I thought you were smarter than this. I thought you were the only man who would understand.”

“Understand what? Stop talking in riddles, Lilia.”

---