Page 20 of Chaos Demons

“That… actually happens? Spirits can return?” Would I be able to see my adoptive parents and apologize for how horrid I’d been as a teen?

“Yes, though humans can’t see them most of the time.”

“Oh.” But… I wasn’t human anymore. “Oh!”

“And yes, I don’t mind dropping by. The festival doesn’t mean much to me personally. We Greek daemons have a different celebration of the dead in mid-to-late winter. It involves a lot of wine and is a lot… rowdier.”

“Oh.” Still. “I really appreciate you doing this. You don’t know how much it means to me.”

“Well, I’m doing it for youandGrey. He’s still technically my boss, and I wouldn’t want him going mad.”

“Oh, yeah, right.” I drew in a long, deep breath. God, I could finally breathe. “Thanks again, for everything, I should probably go.”

Now that I could think, I wanted to spend some time pondering what Fen had asked me, about that list of things I knew about myself.

I got up and made to leave, but asked, “Do you mind if I stay in the lounge for a bit?”

Harmonia laughed. “Need a break before returning home? Yeah, go ahead.”

It was only early afternoon, and the bar wasn’t busy, the lounge was mostly empty. I sat and took a small notebook out of my purse, finding the page where I’d jotted down what I recalled from my conversation with Fen and where I’d added a few of my own musings to the list as well.

At the top of the page, I’d written: “I AM” in big bold letters. Below that, so far, I’d listed:

a mother

a lover / sex daemon

“beautiful” / sexy / “vixen” / “hot-as-hell”

a caregiver / servant / server (bartender?) / helper

healthy / a healer

That was allI had so far. Most of these I’d thought of because someone had called me something like that before in my life. So, I tried to think of other things I’d been called: ones that were generally positive.

I tapped my pen against my lips. Even with a clear mind… this was really hard.

I tried to think back to my school days. I hadn’t been good at much, but had there been anything I’d done well?

Oh… right! I’d been invited to do some plays, not because I was a good actor — I wasn’t — but because someone had said I was charismatic.

I jotted down “charismatic” next to “hot-as-hell.”

What else?

I was certainly doing a lot of arguing at home these days… which reminded me of times when my girls had been younger and been teased or bullied. I’d felt a righteous rage and fought for them, seeking justice and equality from her teachers and other parents. The girls had hated when I’d done that, but…

On a new line, I added: a fighter for justice and peacemaker.

Something about that felt… right. I smiled.

Still, after another hour of pondering, I hadn’t come up with anything else.

I put my notebook away and left. I had a few other errands I needed to run. The first… was to apologize to Ramsey for kicking him out yesterday. As much as his chaos had not helped the household in the least… he’d been right about one thing. I’d been avoiding him.

Things had been turbulent at home, and rough sex with him just didn’t have any appeal at the moment. But… I could at least talk to him now and try to explain things. And if there was some less-rough sex thrown in… well Iwasalover after all, so why not.

Yet, when I stopped by his place… he wasn’t there. The doorman knew me and let me up, but after knocking on his door for ten minutes, I figured I’d missed him. It was the middle of the day. He was probably at work.

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