Page 67 of Someone You Deserve

“And I’m ready to get down to business.” She follows me back to the couch and grabs the photo album from the cushion where I left it. “Taking a trip down memory lane this morning?”

“Yeah.”

“Out of guilt?” She casts a glance at me as she flips through the photos.

“Pretty much.” As soon as I take a sip of the hot liquid, I wrap my hands around my mug and sigh. “I’m a horrible human being.”

Willow’s eyes snap to mine. “No, you’re not. You’re an amazing, hardworking mother who’s allowed to have feelings, desires, and needs.”

“But Penn shouldn’t be the person I want to fulfill those things.”

“Says who?”

“Society?”

“We’ve been through this, Astrid. Fuck what anyone else thinks. Now spill. You said there’s something that Penn doesn’t know and it could ruin your friendship. What’s going on?”

I stare down at my mug and lower my voice so the kids can’t hear me. “Well, you know that Penn and Brandon were close, but I’m pretty sure Penn never knew that we were on the verge of a divorce before he died.”

Willow’s brows pop up. “Oh my God.”

“Yeah. Our marriage was over, Willow. We had so many issues and I told him I wanted a divorce a few weeks before he deployed. The timing was awful, but I couldn’t keep denying what my heart alreadyknew. He begged me to give it some time and wait until he got back to make the final decision, and I told him I would. But honestly, I was already done.”

Tears well in my eyes. “We were so young when we got married. I was nineteen and he was twenty. We were kids ourselves and I got pregnant right away. We grew into two different people and I started resenting him, and vice versa.” My eyes find the photo album, looking at a family picture from when Lilly was three, just before Brandon left on the deployment he never came home from. “Then he died, and I should have felt guilty, but I was angry. Angry I wouldn’t get the chance to live the life I envisioned after we divorced, one that he would still be involved in for the kids. How horrible does that make me?” I choke out.

Willow scoots closer to me on the couch and rests her hand on my thigh. “You’re not horrible, Astrid. You’re human.”

“My husband died, my kids lost their father, and all I kept thinking about was me. And then once I snapped out of that, I felt guilty for not loving him enough. I lost the man that was such a huge part of my life for so long. I grieved the relationship we used to have and the one that we could have had if I had tried harder. I felt horrible because he was upset with me before he died. Our last conversations weren’t always pleasant. We put on a good show for the kids, but after they left the room and we could talk privately, the animosity and frustration came out. Brandon was angry that I wanted out, and I was angry that he couldn’t see why.” Shaking my head, I sigh. “I didn’t feel like I had a partner. His job took him away, and I knew that was the sacrifice that we made, but I feel like it tookhimfromme, too. He wasn’t the same man I fell in love with, and he never supported me finding an outlet for myself.”

“That’s to be expected. Like you said, you guys were young when you got together.”

“Yes, but I also felt like he didn’t see me. I felt inconsequential, like he assumed I’d just always be there. I wanted more for myself, and every time I brought it up, he’d dismiss my dreams.”

“Like the bakery?” she asks.

“Yes. Baking was just a stupid hobby according to him.”

“I’m so sorry, Astrid. Thisisheavy. You’ve been carrying this around all this time?”

I nod. “Yes. The only person who truly knew what was going on was my mother, and I regret even telling her because it changed the way she saw him. That’s part of the reason I never told anyone else. Not only did I not want people in our business, but then Brandon died and I didn’t want his memory to be tainted by our marital problems.” I stare down at the photo album. “He was a good man, a loving father, and the boy that I gave all my firsts. But he wasn’t a great husband, and the last thing I wanted was for him to be remembered that way.”

Willow twists to face me, tucking her legs up underneath her. “So why does Penn need to know this now? After all this time?”

I asked myself this same question last night as I lay in bed, but I kept coming back to one issue. “I’ve only been with one man in my life up until two days ago, and for the past three years, I’ve done nothing but compare Penn to Brandon—how Brandon fell short where Penn rises above. And I feel so guilty. Will I always compare Penn to Brandon, or vice versa?”

Willow hums in thought. “I think that’s only natural given that they’re the only two men you’ve been with, Astrid. Give yourself a break. This situationis complicated.”

“Complicated is putting it mildly. I just slept with my dead husband’s best friend after lusting after him for years. How does that make me look?”

“Like a woman who finally realized she deserves to be happy.” Her words hit me square in the chest. “Who cares who it’s with? All I can say is it took me thirty-four years to find a man worth taking that leap of faith with, and I’m glad that I waited because I know what’s possible now with the right person. You already know what you want because you now know what youdon’twant. The question is, is Penn the person to give it to you?”

“He’s such an amazing man, Willow. I think he could be everything I need and it’s terrifying.”

“I understand that all too well.”

“But I’m so scared of what would happen if it didn’t work out.”

“There’s no way to tell the future.”

---